Page 66 of Begin Again
An ache that’s been in my body since Annie left New York disappears as I wrap my arms around her and hold her against me. Like I’ve been holding onto it, waiting for her to run, but instead she’s coming to me. I never want to move.
But slowly, I let her go and step back. “I’ll see you in the morning, unless you need anything.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow Sam.” She squeezes my hand and follows me to the door.
I want to say more, but I don’t. Instead I leave and head down the hall to her brother’s room.
The new action movie ends and Noah falls asleep almost immediately after the lights go out. I flip my phone over and over in my hand, waiting for a text from Annie, but in my gut I know that she’s not going to text me. She doesn't ever want to seem weak, because her mom would say something about it. She always acts so strong, even when she doesn’t have to.
But I still want her to need me. I feel like she needs me tonight, but I don’t want to seem protective and overbearing, so I’ll wait for her to need me. As if reading my mind, a text comes through and my phone vibrates.
Annie
Help
The one word has me up in a split second. I’m pulling on a T-shirt and sprinting down the hall before I realize I’m not wearing any shoes. But it doesn't matter. I scramble out a text to Noah, telling him Annie needed something—at least that’s what I hope I sent—before I use the key to her room to enter.
I find her curled up in the middle of the bed, her arms are wrapped tightly around her legs and she’s got that hollow stare she had when I found her in the shower, fully clothed, all those months ago.
My heart seems to stop and time slows. What happened to make her this way this time? Last time, she didn’t talk for hours after I got her changed and into bed. But that time she’d seen Mitch. The TV is still playing quietly on the dresser, like it was when I brought her food. The food has been cleaned up and her hair is ruffled like it is after she sleeps.
I move to her, my arms coming around her and she shudders.
“You came.” Her words are barely a whisper.
“Of course,” I breathe back.
Then, she falls apart and I hold her while she cries.
It might be minutes or hours later when Annie shifts in my lap to look up at me. Her eyes are red and exhausted.
“Hi,” I say, it’s becoming a thing between us—greeting each other while we’re already together—and I like it.
“Hi,” Annie says.
“You okay?” I ask, even though it feels like a stupid question to pose because obviously she isn’t doing okay.
“Better now,” she says softly. I want so badly to ask her what’s going on in her head but I don’t want to push if she doesn't want to talk. “I fell asleep and had a nightmare. I felt like I couldn’t breathe when I woke up so I texted.”
“I’m glad you texted.” I give her a squeeze, pulling her closer to me. “Do you want to talk about your nightmare?”
She shakes her head.
“Okay.”
“I mean…” Annie sighs. “I want to, but it isn’t your burden to carry. I don’t want to put all of this on you, Sam.”
Her voice isn’t full of its usual confidence. She sounds timid, worried about what I might say or do if she dumps this on me. But it wouldn’t be dumping. I’ll happily carry this for her.
“You can tell me.”
She is quiet for a long moment. “It’s always the same dream. I’m always somewhere with Mom and then Mitch appears and they both start talking. At first to each other and then to me. It’s not bad at first, some comments that sting a little like how they don’t like my dress or hair or something, but then it gets worse.”
She closes her eyes and I reach over and lace her fingers through mine, letting her know that I’m here once she’s ready to tell me more.
“Then all I can hear is Mitch yelling the vile things he used to say all the time and Mom is cheering him on, like she’s proud of him. It makes me sick every time. I know she probably wouldn’t do that in real life, but the way her words make me feel sometimes are the same feelings I get after these dreams, nightmares. Whatever.”
“Have you talked to someone about this?” I know she mentioned a therapist, but I don’t know how any of that works beyond what she’s told me.
