Page 65 of Begin Again
It’s simply magical. I hadn’t exactly forgotten that, but I’ve been hyper-aware of it since we’ve been here in Maui.
I also am aware that watching someone else eat is a bit weird, so I look out the dark window instead.
“I realized something about my mom tonight,” she says and I turn back to her as she puts another chip in her mouth.
“Oh yeah?” I ask, curious to see what she’s learned about her mom.
Annie nods. “I realized that I’ll never be like her. She continues to date men, one after the other and she always has. I always avoided relationships because I was so worried I’d be like her. But I’m not like her, because she hates being alone.”
I nod, not quite understanding where she is going with this.
“Ever since Dad left, I don’t think she’s been single for more than a week. And Dad left when I was six. That’s twenty-two years of horrible relationships all because she doesn’t love herself. But I’m not that way. I’m comfortable in my skin—mostly anyway—I’m learning to love myself again and let myself be loved.” She looks up at me as she says these words and I reach across the table and take her hand in mine.
“I’ve still got a lot to work through, but I’m not my mom,” she says and then she grins. “So maybe the marriage thing will work out for us. If we can move slowly.”
“I hope so,” I tell her. I could have told her a long time ago that she’s nothing like the woman who raised her. That she’s kind and gentle and loving in a way her mother never will be. “And we can move as slow as you need.”
“Thanks, and I hope so too.”
“Call me if you need anything tonight.” I don’t want to leave. Now that we’ve agreed to be whatever this is—dating and already married—I don’t want to leave her side, especially after the conversation we just had about her mom and what she realized. But I already promised I’d stay with Noah tonight. Plus, he doesn’t know about us yet.
“I’ll be fine,” Annie promises, but her voice is tight, like it always is after she spends any time with her mom. “I’ve got a book.” I glance at the nightstand and see her worn copy ofEmmasitting there.
“I should have brought my copy,” I say.
She laughs, a sound that eases some of the anxiety I feel about leaving her alone tonight.
“What is it about you and that book?” she asks.
“I could ask you the same thing,” I shoot back and look at her. Her eyes have that familiar gleam in them, the one that always means that teasing is coming.
“You really have liked me for so long,” she says, her voice soft and in quiet awe—like she’s finally just letting this realization sink in.
I take a step toward her and sit in the empty chair as she eats her nachos.
“You have no idea,” I tell her. I've told her the truth, for the most part, but it’s still terrifying to have my confession out in the open.
There’s a moment of silence. “Thanks for the food,” Annie says. “I really was starving. They didn’t give us any food to eat at the spa, saying something about how we need to watch what we eat right before the wedding. What a load of garbage. People need to eat.”
“I mean, to be fair, you did have a little food before you went to the spa.”
She swats her hand at me. “A granola bar does not count as dinner.”
I see the pale pink of her nails. “You got your nails done.”
Annie closes her fist and puts her hands under the table. “I don’t think they've had any sort of polish or gel on them since I was in high school.”
“They look nice,” I say. She has always been self-conscious of her hands. She said she couldn’t ever paint her nails because she had too many freckles and adding another color would just draw more attention. I can’t remember now if she told me that before or after she dated Mitch, but it must have been after, when she started to lose her sparkle. When she dimmed herself because for some reason she thinks a dimmed version of herself is better than just being her. I want to show her how much I love her, herwhole self. That she can do anything she wants and I’ll always love her.
“Just call if you need anything,” I say again.
“I will.” She smiles at me. It’s soft and sweet and I just want to melt in it. But I also know that if I kiss her now, I won’t want to stop. So I stay where I’m standing across the table.
“Well, I should get back. Noah said we’re going to watch a movie or something before bed and I told him I wouldn’t be long.”
“Have fun,” Annie says. “And really, thanks for the food.”
“Anytime,” I answer. She stands and wraps her arms around me. “I’m really glad you’re here.”
