Page 64 of Begin Again
Holly snorts. “She’ll never admit it, but so was she.”
“I’ll admit it,” Tally says. “The first time I saw him I imagined a whole life with him, which sounds a little nuts, and it probably was. But I was eighteen and have you seen him? He’s gorgeous.”
“I mean, he’s my brother so I don’t think he’s gorgeous.”
Holly and Tally laugh with me.
“Do you think you’ll ever get married?” Holly asks me. She’s got a shiny ring on her left hand, a new addition Noah said.
“I always thought I wouldn’t,” I say honestly. “But lately, I don’t know. Maybe.”
Is this a lie? I’m already married, at least legally. But I have been thinking about what a marriage a life with Sam would actually look like. And I don’t hate what I’m imagining.
“Ooo, are there any men you’re interested in?” Holly asks. I laugh.
“Sorry about her, she’s a little love-sick right now. She just got engaged last week,” Tally tells me.
“It’s okay,” I say. “And yeah, there is one guy. He’s my best friend.”
Holly puts her hand on her heart like I’ve just said the most romantic thing in the world. “That’s so sweet!”
I smile, unsure of what else to say. While I do like Sam—I love him, if we’re being technical about it—but there’s still so much we need to work through, that I need to work through. I just hope he’ll keep being patient with me and sticking with me even if it takes awhile for me to fully embrace the life he wants. The life I want now too.
I’m not sure when it changed. When I went from swearing off marriage to picturing what our future house will be like. But somewhere along the way with Sam, it changed. I changed. And now I want something more.
I’m exhausted by the time I get back to my room. I hate that I’m disappointed when I find it empty. I turn on the TV, just so I don’t have to be alone with my thoughts. All I want to do is curl up in bed and not see my mother for another six months to a year, but I have to see her tomorrow, and I’m already dreading it.
I findThe Officeplaying on one of the channels and let it play while I change into my pajamas. My face feels fresh and cleanafter my facial and I’m not sure what to do. I know Sam is going to stay with Noah tonight, duties of the best man and all, but I hate feeling alone.
My phone vibrates on the nightstand and I reach for it slowly. My heart beats faster when I see Sam’s name.
Sam
You up still? Or back yet? I have some food for you.
My stomach grumbles in response. I text him back.
Me
I'm up. And I'm starving.
The door swings open a few seconds later. He walks in with the room key in one hand and a bag of food in the other. I have to restrain myself from jumping up too quickly. Sam came to see me. I don’t hug him, instead I move to the small table in the corner and watch as he starts to unload the contents of the bag.
“I got you some nachos and a burger, because this was probably the best burger I’ve ever had and I needed you to try it and I know you love nachos.”
I nod greedily. “Nachos are the food I'd like to have as my last meal.”
“That's a tad bit morbid,” he says.
I shrug as I pull off the lid and am hit with the smell of melted cheese and spicy salsa. “But it’s true.”
He laughs, and my belly flips. All of this feels so normal, I just hope it will stay that way.
34
SAM
Watching Annie try new food is one of my favorite things in the world. Most people I know eat mainly because they have to, because we need to eat in order to survive. But Annie? She seems to savor each bite. It’s like watching a kid see snow for the first time when she’s eating good food.
