Page 54 of Begin Again
But I do want to move forward with him, even if it’s slow. I’m glad he’s letting me take it slow.
“I am if you are,” he says.
I nod. “Let’s do it. I could use a relaxing day.” Understatement of the year, honestly, but when in Maui you should relax, right? Plus, I feel like a huge weight was lifted now that I know he’s not going to pressure me into anything. Not that I ever thought he would, but it’s nice to know we can move at my pace.
“Then a relaxing day is what you’ll get.” We make our way back to the hotel room, where he lets me get ready first. I pull on my two piece swimsuit, the first one I’ve felt comfortable in in years. That’s another thing I’m learning, that it might take years for me to feel comfortable in my own body again. Mitch’s words did so much harm that it’s hard for me to be in my own skin. Igenerally like to hide under baggy clothes or my chef’s uniform. Hiding under my clothes means that people don’t look at me. Wearing a two piece swimsuit—even one that has pretty decent coverage—is still way out of my comfort zone. I want to take back my body and I know this is one way I can do that.
Hannah and Emily would be proud. Chiara would probably be proud too, but I don’t talk to her as much right now. She told me she’s building a case against Mitch, which I think is great, but I also can’t handle it right now so she and I haven’t talked much since I left New York beyond her telling me about what she’s doing.
I pull on shorts and a T-shirt before heading out into the main room where Sam sits at the table, waiting. “It’s all yours,” I say.
I almost tell him that I’ll head down by myself to find some lounge chairs for us, but in the end I sit on my bed and scroll through Instagram while I wait for him to be ready.
We end up a little ways away from the pool, but we can see the ocean from our chairs, so I’m happy. “I’m going to go walk by the beach for a minute.”
He hesitates a moment. “Do you want me to come with you?”
I shake my head. “I’ll be back in like ten minutes.”
“If you aren’t, I'll send out a search party.”
I bite back a smile. “You would do that.”
“Gotta know where my wife is if she doesn't come back when she says she will.” His words hit me straight in my heart. I want to tell him I'm sorry for staying in Colorado, for not going back to New York like I said I would once I found myself more. But I can't bring myself to say those words. Because I don’t think I’ll ever go back to New York and even though he gave me the reins, I’m not sure I can push past the guilt I feel about asking him to come back to Colorado with me. New York is his home now.
“I’ll be back,” I promise him, and this time I mean it.
Once I hit the sand, I slip off my sandals and hold them as I walk toward the water. There’s a family playing frisbee and a couple of men throwing a football. But it’s still pretty early, so there aren’t many people out on the beach yet.
The water is cool as it rushes against my ankles, covering my feet. But it feels good. I close my eyes and relish the feeling. There’s something about the ocean that makes me feel so incredibly alive. I open my eyes and watch the waves for a few minutes, letting my mind clear.
I wish I could do this every day. Visiting is nice, it’s healing, but I probably couldn’t live by the ocean all the time. It’s big and vast and while incredible, it also freaks me out if I think about it too much. I stand there for the rest of my ten minute walk, just relishing in the feel of the water against my ankles, the fastness of the ocean, and how calm it all makes me feel in this moment.
I’m still a little jittery from my weird panic moment I had earlier. I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to this—feeling anxiety—but maybe I’m not supposed to get used to it. Dawn told me that it was going to take time before seemingly random things didn’t trigger me as often, if at all. But it’s part of the healing process.
I take a deep breath. I’m okay. I’m more than okay. Sam is here and I have a therapist and good friends and a new life. I’m okay.
I make my way back up to the resort, even though I want to stay by the water. I don’t want Sam to worry about me.
“Ah, back with one minute to spare.” Sam grins at me. He’s got his shirt off now and I flush, remembering this morning. “How was the water?”
“It was perfect.” I sit down in the chair and ask, “Promise me something?”
“Anything, sunshine,” he says.
“That you’ll bring me back here every year, even if things don’t work out between us.” I don’t want to sound like apessimist, I’m just trying to be realistic. Sam is going to wake up and realize one day that I can’t give him the life he wants and he’ll leave.
“Every year,” he promises. “Even when we’re old and gray.”
I smile at him. “Thank you.”
“No, thank you,” Sam says.
“For what?”
“For everything.”
Before I get a chance to ask what he means, a waiter comes by and gives us the poolside brunch menu. “I’ll be back in a moment to see if you want anything.”
