Page 48 of Begin Again
If it wasn’t so dang expensive, I would come here for every vacation.
“Sound great,” he says as he matches his pace with mine.
“How was your flight?” I ask. I also want to ask him what he’s been up to these days, where he’s traveled, and how his vlog isdoing. I haven’t let myself look him up at all since I left. I don’t feel like that’s my privilege to know anymore. I left him.
The shame of it all washes over me—again—and I try to push it down. I knew he’d be here in Hawaii and I already planned to apologize. My therapist told me it’s a good first step. She also told me—several times—that I need to tell him how I feel. I’ll get there. I hope.
“Fine,” he says. “Both were long, the layover in Los Angeles was fine, but that airport has way too many people.”
“Which is exactly why I had a direct flight,” I say, laughing a little. “I do not like dealing with layovers.” I don’t say I have to deal with one on the way home, I’ll deal with that when I have to.
“How was your flight?” he asks. He knows I hate flying pretty much more than anything. Noah offered to buy me a ticket if I wanted to drive to Utah and fly out with him, but honestly, traveling with other people stresses me out way more. I’m then anxious for myself and for what they’re going through. Are they mad that we’re slightly delayed? Are they uncomfortable but just keeping it to themselves until something bigger happens and they blow up on me? I should probably talk to my therapist about these fears—the anxiety I feel for other people. It’s probably related to Mitch and not knowing how he’d ever react to anything. But for those reasons, I like traveling alone, even if I hate traveling.
“Fine. I took a sleeping pill and slept the entire time.”
“Good.” Sam shoves his hands into the front pockets of his shorts, like he doesn’t know what else to do with them. It’s a habit he’s always had and I want to reach over, pull his hand out and hold it. But I am too focused on breathing right now and not making everything awkward.
We fall into a semi-comfortable silence as we walk to the food trucks. I only know they exist because of Hannah. She’s stayedat this resort before and told me all the best places to go eat and what to do while I'm here.
“Tomorrow we’ll have to make sure everything is ready for the wedding,” I say. “Noah asked if we could do that and I said yes. But that should only take an hour or so, then we can hang out by the pool or hike or whatever.”
“Did you just offer to go hiking, sunshine?” He grins at me.
I flush. “I mean, I know you probably don’t want to hang out at the pool all day.” There I am, being what Taylor Swift called a pathological people pleaser. That’s me.
“Actually, sitting by the pool sounds kind of nice. I brought a new mystery novel to read. It’ll be nice to relax a bit before all the wedding craziness starts,” Sam says.
“Only if you’re sure.” My heart squeezes. I don’t want him to miss out on a chance at exploring the island simply because I’d rather sit by the pool and read.
He gives me a look that I can’t quite read. It’s like he knows what I’m trying to do, but isn’t sure he wants to call me out on it. “I’m sure, sunshine.”
27
SAM
I silently curse myself for using my nickname for her right now as I watch her cheeks turn pink. I’m supposed to be mad at her, at least, I was for a few days after she left. But then I just missed her.
I’ve spent the past six months getting my life in order in case she called. I officially quit vlogging and while people are still less than thrilled that I quit YouTubing, I know it was the right call. It wasn’t ever going to be the same, not after I had back surgery. I found everyone on my team a new position, it was the least that I could do. I just moved out of my apartment in New York and last week I drove to Colorado. I’ve been staying with my parents, not knowing that Annie was in the same state.
But I can’t stay mad at her, I can’t even pretend to be mad at her. I think she expects me to be mad, but I’m not. She looks stunning, light, and free—a version of herself that she hasn’t been for a long time.
“There’s pretty much anything you could possibly want to eat,” she says as we walk to the field full of food trucks. In the end, we try a Thai place that ends up being fantastic.
“I could eat this every day,” she says in delight as she eats her mango chicken salad.
I bite my cheek to keep from laughing. “I forgot how much watching you eat good food makes me happy.”
She freezes. “Why does it make you happy?"
“You just unapologetically love the things that you love, and I love that about you.” Yup, there goes my plan to pretend like we were just friends. I should have known it wouldn’t have been possible. I can’t be friends with her, especially not now that she’s my wife.
She glances away as her cheeks and chest turn pink.
“Anyway,” I say, I know that I need to change the subject. “What should we do after this?” The sun is slowly getting closer to the horizon.
“We could sit on the beach and watch the sunset,” she suggests. “I did that last night and then promptly went to bed because I was so tired. But it was nice.”
“That sounds like a perfect idea.” And romantic, but I’m going to take this slow, show her that I’m going to be here for her in whatever way she needs.
