Page 39 of Begin Again
“What do you mean it’s not that kind of marriage? That man is gorgeous.”
“He needed back surgery. I have great insurance. We both knew I’d never marry anyone else so it was the perfect solution.” I tell her the facts, I can stick with the facts, but I will not tell her about how much I wish it was a real marriage but how I’m too afraid of what will happen if I let Sam in on that little fact.
“Annie, you’ve been in love with him for years. Are you sure this is a good idea?”
I ignore Emily’s words. “Too late for that now.”
“Sweetie,” Emily says in her motherly voice. “I don’t want to see you get hurt. Have you told him how you feel?”
I sigh. “No.”
“You should tell him. Imagine what your life could be like if you told him. The man adores you.” Emily sighs as if she’s in love with the idea of me and Sam being happily married and in love.
“Not gonna happen,” I say.
“But you do love him still, right?” Emily was the one I called when Sam first got a girlfriend after we moved out to New York. The first time I realized he was seriously trying to get over me and not just date around. I poured out my heart to her and she told me I was being an idiot, that I should have just told him the truth instead of hiding from my feelings. It’s been years and every now and then she bugs me about it, saying I shouldjust get everything out in the open, but I don’t want to ruin my friendship with Sam.
Plus, I hate how much I regret hiding from my feelings, because hiding from my feelings for Sam led to me dating Mitch. But I still can’t tell him.
“Yes. I’m not ready.” I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to give my heart to another person the way I did with Mitch, even if that person is Sam.
“You’ll be ready someday,” she says as if her words settle the matter. “I just hope Sam is still around when you finally get there. But you really married him? And he had to have back surgery? I feel like I missed an entire chapter of your life. Tell me everything.”
So I do, tell her everything. I just leave out all the feelings but Emily knows me better than that. We both know what I’m not saying.
“I can’t believe you got married without me,” she says after a few moments of silence.
Guilt squeezes in my chest. “I know, I’m sorry. It just kind of happened really fast. He needed insurance so I suggested we go get married later that day.”
“Well,” she says. “If you two decide to make it official official, I’m going to throw you a huge party. You’ll have to come to the middle of nowhere Nebraska so I can throw you a party, because I can’t travel, but we’re going to make it happen.”
“You really think I should tell him.” It’s not a question.
“Of course I think you should tell him,” she tells me. “I think you’re being stupid by not telling him.”
“Gee thanks.”
“Annie, you know what I mean,” she says.
“I mean, I guess.” I bite my lip. “But what if it ruins everything?”
“But what if it makes everything magical? What if the two of you get a fairytale romance, don’t you want that?” Emily married a guy we went to high school with straight out of college. She’s happy in her life as a wife and mother, but I don’t know if I’m ready for that.
“I don’t know.”
“Don’t you want Sam?”
My cheeks burn. “What do you mean?”
“I mean,” Emily says, “that you’ve loved that man for a long time. You’ve lived with him for just as long. You’ve kissed him, and if I recall you once told me that it was the best kiss in your entire life. So what I mean is exactly what I said, don’t you want Sam?”
I think of his soft hands on my cheeks and neck as he kissed me at our wedding ceremony. My toes curl. I’d love to kiss him again. “Well, yes.”
Emily laughs, a sound that breaks something open in me.
“You should tell him. Or just kiss him and see what happens.”
“Gah.”
