Page 38 of Begin Again
“Good,” I say, but it’s not true. Not anymore. Being a chef at Austen’s hasn’t been bringing me the same joy it used to. All it does is bring me stress and make me feel tense. But I can’t tell Sam that, because then he’ll convince me that I need to quit—because I do—and I don’t know what I’ll do if I do end up quitting. I don’t know how to take the next step in my life without more planning. “How was your day?”
He shrugs, and then lifts a take-out carton, “I got Indian food from that place down the street that you like.”
I touch my hand to my chest. “You know the way to my heart.”
He smiles at that as I sit down beside him on the couch. This is how it’s been for the past two weeks. It’s almost like we’re tip-toeing around each other because we don’t know how to act now that we’re married. His back doesn’t hurt him at all these days, which means his surgery worked. It’s only been six weeks since his surgery, but he seems to be recovering well.
He also hasn’t gone back to work yet and when I asked about it a few days ago, he said he was just going to wait the twelve weeks that the doctor told him he should take it pretty easy—meaning no tricks—before traveling again.
“So, what did you do all day?” I ask at the same time he says, “Would you want to come on a trip with me sometime?”
I blink at him slowly and feel my face grow warm as he watches me. I glance away and take a bite of the spicy tikkamasala before answering. “I’m not really into some of the adventures you go on.”
“I know,” he says, “I was just thinking it could be fun. I could take you to some of my favorite places in Europe or we could go somewhere by the ocean that has a resort and a pool.”
I lick my lips and look at him, trying not to picture the romantic getaway he didn’t even describe. At least, not directly. “That would be fun.”
That would be fun?That would be fun?That’s all I can say? I actually agreed to it? He smiles again.
“I’ll start planning something, then.”
“Sam?” I ask and he shifts slightly so his knee brushes against mine. “What is this, what are we?”
This is not the conversation I planned on having today, but it feels like something we should talk about. I want to ask if he’s felt the shift between us. I want to tell him that I love him, that I’ve loved him for a long time and that I didn’t marry him only so he could use my insurance, but I’m too afraid to say the words.
He meets my eyes. “What do you mean?”
“Us. Like, what is this between us?”
I watch his Adam's apple bob as he swallows. “You and me, Annie, that’s who we are. And what’s between us? I’m not really sure at this point, but I’d like to find out.”
“Yeah?” I ask.
“Yes.” His phone rings before I can reply. “It’s Noah, I should take this.”
I nod, because he should. We still haven’t told my brother that we got married. Partly because I wasn’t ever intending to stay married to Sam, but now I don’t know what’s going to happen. But if we do decide to stay together, and try for real, we’ll have to figure out a way to tell him.
20
ANNIE
October 2023 - Annie is 27, Sam is 29
I pace back and forth in our apartment, glancing at the front door every single minute, hoping that Sam doesn’t burst in at any moment. I know he’s at a meeting with his team, so he probably won’t be back anytime soon, but I need to tell Emily my news. I’ve barely been able to hear a word she’s said about her latest pregnancy. I have to tell her my news before I burst. She’s my best friend, my longest friend, she needs to know.
She’s talking about how she’ll need to buy more baby onesies when I finally interrupt her. “Emily, I’m married.”
There’s a stunned silence on the other end of the line.
“Um, you’re going to have to repeat that, because I could have sworn you just said that you’re married and the Annie Jones I know has been promising anyone and everyone for all her life that marriage was one thing she was never going to do.”
I walk into my bedroom and sink down onto the bed. Sam and I might be married, but things are the same as they were before we got married, except all of the awkwardness that came after we went to city hall is gone.
“I married Sam three months ago,” I tell my childhood best friend and have to pull the phone away from my ear as she starts squealing. We may not talk all the time, but Emily is still the person I want to tell everything to. I can’t believe I waited this long to tell her about what I did.
“Finally! Tell me all the things. What’s it like being married? How’s the sex? I bet he’s good…”
“Emily!” I shriek to cut her off. “It’s not that kind of marriage.”
