Page 26 of Begin Again
“It’s good to see you too, Grandma.” I smile at her. I can breathe easier here, away from New York City. But I ignore the thought because for the past ten years of my life, I’ve been dreaming about opening my own restaurant in New York City and I’m not going to let my terrible ex ruin that dream for me. Ican’t open my place yet, because I don’t have any money saved. But someday, someday, I’ll be free from Mitch and living my dream in the city that I love.
“I’ve missed you,” Grandma Marsha says and I look away. Noah visits more than I do. I haven’t made time for it in the past few years.
“I’m sorry it’s been so long,” I tell her truthfully. “Work has been keeping me busy.”
“Tell me all about being head chef. Is it everything you hoped it would be?” Grandma smiles at me and I relax a little. She’s missed me, but she’s not mad that I haven’t come to visit in so many years.
“It’s the best,” I say, and then, like usual, I get lost in telling her about the dishes we’ve been making and how I’ve been able to have more freedom and experiment with the menu a bit, which has been fun. I don’t tell her about how Mitch still hangs around a lot, even though he told me in my interview that he’d give over the reins to me by now. I try not to let it bother me, but it does. Instead, I tell her about my plans for opening my own restaurant, once I can save enough money, which isn’t exactly easy to do in New York City. I make decent money, but most of it goes to rent and food. I put any extra penny I have into my savings, but it’ll be a few more years before I’m able to do anything on my own.
“How’s Sam?” Grandma Marsha asks after a beat too long.
“Fine,” I say, which I assume is true. He seems fine from what I’ve seen on his channel. Plus, he and Noah are still doing their yearly trip together and that seems to be going well. At least Noah still has Sam.
“You don’t see him?” Grandma asks as if she knows more than I’ll ever tell her.
“Here and there.” I keep my answer simple. Truthfully, it’s easier that way. “He’s not in New York much these days. Busy traveling and all.”
“Hmm.”
“What?” I ask, shifting uncomfortably under her gaze.
“You love him,” is all Grandma says.
“What? No.” I mean, yes I docareabout Sam, but I could never be with him, we don’t want the same things and that wouldn’t be fair to him to make him a fling or something short. He’s looking for a lifelong commitment and I’d rather not have him at all romantically if I can’t give him all that he wants. Mitch was a reminder of why I don’t date. And while Sam is nothing like him, I won’t be dating anyone ever again.
Grandma Marsha smiles at me. “Just don’t wait too long to tell him.” My eyes bug out. Are we having the same conversation? Grandma waves her hand. “But enough about boys and cooking, did you see the newEmmamovie?”
I’m grateful for the change in conversation, but my mind won’t stop swirling about what Grandma said about Sam.
13
SAM
July 2021 - Sam is 26, Annie is 25
“You have a bruised rib.” The nurse who’s dabbing my bleeding chest with a rag tells me. “But the doctor will confirm that. He’ll also give you something for the pain.”
I grunt in response.
I’d rather feel this physical type of pain than the ache that I constantly feel in my heart. I grit my teeth and push away the heartache that comes along any time I’m reminded of Annie. Though, how a bruised rib did that, I don’t have a clue.
“And my friend?” I ask, wondering how Noah is doing, and where he is. My heart is still pumping fast and I’m sure my ribs will hurt a lot more when the adrenaline wears off. But for now, I’m alive. Is it bad that I kind of hate that?
First, a bear came into our camp and was digging through the food that I forgot to tie up. Then we were in that dang tree for who knows how long before I woke up on the ground, my ribs hurting like crazy and a fire burning close. Noah said he remembers seeing the lightning, but I don’t remember anything.
Thankfully, we’re in Colorado—a place that I’m familiar with—and I was able to drive us down the canyon and to an emergency room, despite the pain. A near-death experience will do that to you I guess.
“He’ll be fine.” The nurse tells me as she puts the cloth she was using to clean off my blood on the tray next to me. “I think he has a broken arm, it’s a miracle that the two of you are even alive.”
I give her a tight smile.
Alison, who’s on my film crew, recently asked me if I had a death wish since some of the tricks I’ve been trying lately have been getting a little bit riskier. I laughed it off and was able to convince her I was fine. And I am fine, but the adrenaline I feel, the fear that comes from jumping off a cliff or out of a plane is much more manageable than the hole that I seem to have in my heart.
I never worried about Annie finding someone, because for so many years she told anyone and everyone who would listen that she was never going to date because she didn’t want to end up like her mom. But then she did date. And she picked him. The guy who makes her brother mad when he comes up in conversation. I’ve never met him and I don’t plan on it. If I did, I’d probably punch him right in the face and she would probably hate me forever.
So I keep my distance, which makes my heart ache. But it’s better than the alternative.
Maybe. I’m alive, but the woman I love is in love with another man.
