Page 48 of One Little Kiss
Or before then…
My mind rushes to call up memory after memory. Noelle on my bed in her little black dress. A sleep-tousled Noelle wearing my T-shirt. Noelle cuddling up in my arms while we’re watching movies like it’s the most natural thing in the world.
“Ugh,” I grunt. “I don’t even know when this started. But I was better off before I realized what this is.”
“Are you sure about that?” Leah’s voice is so gentle, but her words are probing and I lash out.
“Yes, I’m sure, Leah. I don’t want to feel this way. If I could magically make it disappear, I would. But I don’t know how to do that. It’s not like I can stop being her friend. I don’t want to stop being her friend, but…”
I trail off and Leah lets me sit there in silence as I get my thoughts in order.
“What is it?” she finally asks.
I really don’t want to talk about this anymore. I hate this conversation, and I can’t stand what it’s making me realize. But mostly, I hate the regrets that are so strong they feel like they’re choking me.
“The worst part is…” I shake my head and exhale roughly. “It’s making me a bad friend. I mean…” I squeeze my eyes shut, regret and shame gnawing at my gut. “I’m acting like a jealous idiot, and I know it. But I can’t seem to stop myself.”
“Because you like her,” Leah says softly. “Maybe if you just explain that to her…”
“No. No way.” I shake my head, meeting Leah’s stare with an outright glare. “And don’t you say a word about this to anyone. Please,” I add belatedly.
She mimes zipping her lips, and honestly, I’d trust Leah to take any secret to the grave. But it still needed to be said.
“Why won’t you tell her?” Leah asks. “Maybe if she knew how you felt…”
“I’ve made things awkward enough as it is. If I tell her…there’s no going back, you know? It’ll always be there between us. And I hate the thought of her walking on eggshells around me or acting different.” I trail off with a shake of my head.
Leah surprises me with a little huff of laughter. “Like she’s not acting different already?”
I blink in confusion.
Leah arches one brow. “You think you’re the only one acting weird?”
I shift in my seat as a mix of hope and terror makes me unable to sit still.
She’s not saying…
Noelle couldn’t…
The possibility is…terrifying. I don’t have any other word for it.
“What if she does feel the same?” Leah asks. “That would change things, right?”
Yes. No. I have no idea.
“What if she doesn’t?” I say instead of answering.
Leah stares at me for a long moment, clearly giving me time to process. And I need time, because I can’t sort out what this mix of emotions is, but it’s overwhelming, to say the least. It’s fear and hope and…
“What the hell would that even look like, anyway?”
Leah doesn’t seem surprised by my admittedly random outburst. Her smile is way too knowing. “I’d think that’s for you and Noelle to figure out.”
“Yeah, but…I don’t think she feels the same.”
I wait for Leah to argue the point. And I’ll admit, I’m more than a little disappointed when she doesn’t.
“Fine.” Her right shoulder hitches. “If you’re not willing to admit how you feel, or ask her how she feels, then what is it that you want?”
