Page 77 of One Little Kiss
“I can’t be a…a girlfriend. Or, like…romantic or whatever. I don’t know how. It’s like there’s two of me, you know? There’s the meyouknow. The friend me. And then there’s my mother’s daughter. And that’s how I am with guys.”
I’m babbling now and I’m fully aware of the intensity of his stare once he pulls over in front of my house and parks the car.
“And how are you with guys?” He sounds confused, and that kills me.
I feel smaller than small inside, and that’s not how I ever feel around this guy. I’ve never in my life felt so shallow and ridiculous and…
And I really am my mother’s daughter.
“It doesn’t matter,” I say. “It’s just…no one expects anything from me, you know?”
The silence feels like an actual weight, invisible but unavoidable as it presses down on my shoulders and makes my body feel like it’s made of lead.
I finally turn to face him and see his brows knitted, his eyes narrowed. He’s studying me like he stares at his phone when he’s working on one of his apps.
“You’re smart,” I say. Because apparently my shake up in the car earlier has rattled my brain and is making all kinds of stupid truths tumble out of my mouth.”You create apps for fun.” I let out a desperate little laugh. “You can do anything. Go anywhere.”
“And you think you can’t?”
“I…” I can’t say this truth aloud. “No one expects me to. No one expects anything from me but a pretty face.”
He doesn’t argue, and his silence hurts.
“And…and I can’tnotbe friends with you,” I barrel ahead. “Because you are my favorite person in the world. And I don’t feel dumb or less than when I’m with you. And I don’t know how to do anything but be friends. Not with anyone, not for real. But definitely not with you.”
When I’m done, all I can hear is my breathing. I sound like I just ran laps or something because it’s harsh and uneven. I go to reach for the door handle, but he stops me with a hand on my knee.
“Noelle, wait.”
I freeze.
No…I burn.
I can’t move, but I am keenly aware of the heat of his hand on my leg, of the warmth that flows from him and makes me want to turn and burrow into his strength.
But I can’t bring myself to turn and face him because I’ve never been more exposed. I’ve been naked and skinny dipping and felt less exposed than this.
After a moment when he apparently realizes I’m not turning around, he says, “If you don’t want to be like your mom, then don’t be like her.”
I frown, slowly looking over my shoulder. “I am like her—”
“No. You’re not. I love your mom, but you’re nothing like her. You’ve never intentionally treated guys like they’re stepping stones. And you’ve never used your beauty or your sexuality to get your way.”
“That’s not true,” I say, spinning to face him. The bitter truth of it burns on its way out of my mouth. “I use it all the time with guys and you’ve even called me out on it.” I arch my brows. “My uncanny ability to get a ride home when it’s cold? Being given credit for scavenger hunt wins that I barely participate in? You know me. I may not always mean to, but I have a power when it comes to my looks. Just like my mom. I just… I wish that wasn’t all I had.”
His fingers touch my chin, and he turns my face until I’m looking at him. “It doesn’t have to be. That’s not you. You don’t have to be that way.”
I shake my head but he doesn’t let go. “You just think that because I’m not like that around our friends. I’m not like that with you.”
My mind instantly calls up that moment in the parking lot when I’d challenged him to a kiss. I’d done that. I’d gone on a weird power trip. I’d seen his attraction and…and I’d liked it.
I’d used it to win a stupid argument and make my petty self feel better.
I jerk my head away this time, and he lets me go. But just as I go to reach for the door handle, his voice stops me, gruff and uneven. “You say no one expects anything from you but a pretty face?”
I can’t move. There’s so much emotion in his voice I can’t help but turn back and sneak a look at his expression.
His jaw works and his eyes flash. “I expect everything from you,” he growls. “You are the only one of my friends who I expect to show up even when I’m not throwing a party. You’re the one I expect to call me out when I go too far. You’re the one I expect to be there when Leah’s off with Ben at college and the rest of our friends are busy chasing their dreams.You’rethe one I expect to see at my side.”
