Page 5 of Getting the Grinder
Domestic violence cases can get messy. It’s a department I hoped to work in one day, but it seems too soon. Domestics are a lot different from traffic. But with the hiring freeze the office has been under for more than two years now, flexibility is now a job requirement.
“I’ll do my best,” I promise.
“Of course you will. And you can always speak your mind to me, Mara. I know you’re used to keeping your head down and getting along, but I want your opinions. Even if I can’t unfuck this place most of the time, I still want to hear about the issues, okay?”
I nod, holding in a laugh. Gayle doesn’t even know. I keep my head down and get along here because I want—need, actually—to keep my job. But in my personal life, I’m slightly...feistier.
“Fuck that guy, and fuck his long dong silver, too,” I say. “I’d bet my savings account it’s more like average dong silver.”
That evening, I’m at trivia with my friends Suki, Lainey, Dex and Harry. Our team, the Smartinis, is slaying the Men Behaving Badly category. In law school, one of my professors did an entire unit on Clarence Thomas’s Supreme Court confirmation hearings. That’s how his comments about his dick were unfortunately seared into my brain.
“You’re willing to wager forty-one dollars on his peen?” Dex cracks.
I laugh. “And thirty-seven cents, baby. Fight me.”
Suki orders us a round of waters as the trivia host starts reading the next question.
“This ironically named New York congressman got busted for lying about a photo of his?—”
“Weiner,” Dex whispers, cupping his hands around his mouth. “Anthony Weiner.”
“Damn,” I say. “You beat me to it.”
“Was it on the tip of your tongue?” Lainey quips.
Suki grins. “The jokes are just falling out of the air on this one.”
When the trivia round is complete and the host is doing rounds to check answers, we order some food. I get potato skins because there are literally no bad combinations of potatoes, cheese and bacon.
“How’s the Bash-elor party going?” Harry asks Lainey. “Has anyone been arrested yet?”
“Oh, it’s at the other end of the spectrum. They found a dog and her litter of puppies under a tree in the woods and they’re taking care of them.”
“No shit?” Dex asks.
“Apparently Carter’s bringing one home,” Suki says.
“A puppy?” I do a little clap of excitement. “Puppy bellies are one of my favorite things in the world. They’re so warm and soft.”
“Just like the head of a penis,” Dex says, a dreamy note in his voice.
We all turn his way. My brows are lowered in question, and I’m sure everyone else’s are, too.
“How did you...?” Suki struggles to even form a question. “You know what? Let’s just move on.”
“No one leave him alone with the puppy,” Harry says.
“You guys are dicks.” Dex rolls his eyes. “You know I’m right.”
It’s been months since I touched a penis. Wait...I do the math. It’s actually coming up on a year. I’ve swiped right on two guys since starting my new job, but they were both just meh first dates and nothing more. With the hours I’ve been working, I don’t have the time or energy for even a hookup.
A man approaches our table and taps Lainey on the shoulder.
“Excuse me, I don’t mean to be forward, but you’re so beautiful.”
“Thanks.” She smiles and shows him her left hand. “My fiancé thinks so, too.”
His face falls with disappointment. “Lucky guy.”
