Page 36 of Getting the Grinder
Mara: I think it looks good on him.
Mom: I just don’t understand why he didn’t want a sweater that fits him. It’s winter.
I change the subject.
Mara: How’s Dad?
Mom: He’s good. We’re excited about seeing you for Christmas. Will Leo be joining you?
My stomach flips nervously at the thought of Leo meeting my parents. It’s too much. Suki has met them, but she’s my best friend. I don’t want Leo seeing the filtered side of me I reserve for my family.
It would get their hopes up too much. Dad already watches every Cleveland Crush game because Suki’s husband is on the team. I couldn’t handle getting pictures of him in a Crush hat, celebrating Leo’s goals.
I wish I could give my parents that kind of happiness, but I’m not much on relationships. I know I’ve got sharp edges and I’m a lot, and I’m okay with it. I don’t need a man trying to tame me into his ideal partner.
Mara: No. It’s not serious or anything. We’ve only been on a couple of dates.
Mom: I don’t understand kids these days. Vicki’s daughter has been “hanging out” with a man for more than six months now. What does that even mean? Your father and I were engaged five months after we started dating.
I’m fighting sleep. I can’t wait to put this day behind me, so I end the conversation with my mom.
Mara: I’m going to bed, Mom. Love you. Tell Dad I love him too.
Mom: I will. We love you.
I get up from the couch and walk into my kitchen, looking at a photo of me and Suki on the front of the fridge. With only the dim glow of the microwave light illuminating the room, I can’t see much, but I can see our smiles. The picture was taken after we did a charity mud run together, and we’re both caked in mud.
Suki and I used to share this apartment, and I need to give it up and move somewhere smaller and more affordable since it’s just me and I don’t have a six-figure salary anymore. I’ve dragged my feet on it because I have good memories of us here.
She’s moved on to the stage of life she always dreamed of reaching: marriage and kids. A beautiful home. Hosting friends and family. She was made for all of it.
What am I made for? I thought I knew, but now I’m not so sure. I saw myself slaying in corporate law. Putting in endless hours and making a name for myself. Getting myself and my parents out of debt. Traveling. Volunteering for causes I believe in.
The grind of law school was supposed to be the end of my struggle. Instead, I’m just drifting. I don’t have a direction. I like my job and I love my friends, but at the end of every day, I’m alone.
Maybe I need a pet or something. Dex is happily single. We’ve talked about living together, but it wouldn’t work. He’s a neat freak whose dishes all face the same direction. I like my home to feel lived in, with blankets and pillows on the couches and chairs and books and plants stacked on every empty surface. We’d drive each other crazy.
It feels good to crawl into my bed and burrow beneath the warm covers. I’m setting an alarm on my phone for morning when a photo text comes in from Leo.
It’s a meme that says, “When you find a serious leek under your sink.” There’s a stalk of leek beneath a kitchen sink with a frowning face drawn on the vegetable in marker.
Leo: Tomorrow will be better.
There’s a slight burn in my eyes. I already know I’m done hating him. He judged me without knowing me well, and I did the same thing to him.
I needed a friend after my horrible day at work, but I didn’t even realize it. His hug and words of wisdom took a weight off my shoulders.
Even though I knew I’d tried my best with Libby, I still felt guilty. And humbled. I was so arrogant that I really thought I could accomplish something Bruce couldn’t.
Leo said exactly what I needed to hear, and then he gave me the space I needed. He understood how I felt. I’m embarrassed about all the times I’ve insinuated—or even outright said—that he’s not smart. Called him a caveman. Said he’s the emotional equivalent of a black hole.
I say I’m too much for some people, but I feel like too much even for myself right now. I hope he’s right and tomorrow will be better.
I text him back.
Mara: Thanks. Want me to come to your game tomorrow night with Suki?
Leo: If you feel like it, sure.
