Page 71 of Inevitable Love
The hurt and guilt I’ve run from for a decade slam into me. I half expect Maggie to run away screaming. Hell, if I were her, I would.
“That’s why you became a firefighter?”
I can only nod, because suddenly my throat has closed off entirely. I can barely breathe. But she’s talking to me again, so I need to keep going.
“At first, yes. I fell in love with the job, but I couldn’t forget the vow I made to myself. I wish like hell that I could go back in time and change things. I’m so fucking sorry I couldn’t save him. If I’d been able to, your life would’ve been so different. Hell, maybe you’d be married with kids and a house, picket fence and all that.” That mental image doesn’t sit right with me either, but nothing I’m saying makes any sense. I’m lost in a swirl of emotion, ripped open and shredded and waiting for her to blame me like I deserve. I can’t make heads or tails of anything besides Maggie. She’s my gravity.
“Or…” She plucks the mangled blade of grass from my fingers and smooths it flat. “Maybe he would’ve left and chased his dream of being a wildland firefighter, and I would’ve been an unhappy corporate attorney.” Silence falls between us, the forest sounds returning, soothing the raw edges of my soul after that confession.
“Jax, you can’t live by what-ifs.” Her voice is quiet but certain, and I draw strength from it.
“I feel like that’s what my whole life has been since he died,” I whisper, but she doesn’t respond. Shit. I’ve gotten all the way off track of where I wanted this conversation to go. Something else I need to share with her.
“I’m also sorry I didn’t tell you all of this sooner. I’m sorry I wasn’t man enough to stick around when realityreared. I’m sorry I ran instead of explaining my version of that night.”
The blade of grass slips through her fingers, now flattened, but the edges I’d been picking are smoothed and appear less frayed. Just how she soothes me.
She glances at me, a question in her gaze. Oh, I said that out loud.
“Just like you’ve smoothed out that rough blade, you have the same effect on me. Smoothing my edges, helping me work through the rough shifts just by being yourself. Always there, the one foundation I could count on. The soft place to land when I needed it. It was inevitable that I’d fall in love with you. I was just too reckless and foolish to realize it until it was too late. I’m so sorry for leaving like I did.”
Her fingers grow still on the blade, and I feel the shift, the sudden loss of her arm touching mine as she turns to face me. My whole foundation has been cracked wide open, so much that I can’t keep anything inside.
“What did you say?”
Her words come out so softly spoken they barely register.
Moving slowly, giving her time to pull away, I take a chance that she won’t slap me, and cup her beautiful cheek. “I’m so sorry for leaving you.”
“Not that, the other part.”
I brush a thumb over her cheek, wanting to taste those perfect lips, her perfect skin. “I love you, Mags.”
Tears well in her eyes, and her lips part on the tiniest gasp. The effect draws me closer until we are sharing a breath. Could this be real? Does this mean she forgives me? Is she letting me back in? My every heartbeat hinges on how she replies. But she’s not responding as I try to lean closer. If I could just kiss her, things would be okay.
Delicate fingers press against my chest, halting me. “Oh, you’re so good. So smooth, you almost had me.” To my horror, she stands, brushing off her pants as she straightens. I jump to my feet as she gathers her pack. Fuck, this isn’t how this was supposed to go down at all.
“Thank you for the lovely snack. Thank you for explaining things. But now I need a little space.”
She’s slipping the straps on, straightening her ponytail, and avoiding my gaze once more. “I know it was hard for you to tell me about that night. And I appreciate the effort you’ve made. But I’m going to head back and catch up with Kate.”
She’s leaving? After all that, me laying my heart bare, she’s leaving? Deep, dark, intense terror washes through me. This can’t be happening.
“Mags…”
Another hand to my chest halts me from crowding her again. “Please.”
Her soft command makes me freeze. Shatters my heart into a million pieces. What the hell do I do?
“Please understand. While you’ve been gone, I’ve had to pick myself up. Keep going, when all I wanted to do was stay in bed, wondering why I wasn’t enough to make you want to stay or even talk to me. And then after my mom and sister came in, I realized I don’t need that validation. I am enough just as I am.”
“Mags, please. I’m so fucking sorry. Please give me, give us, a chance. You’re absolutely right that you are more than enough all on your own. I just want to be in your orbit. You ground me. This isn’t about you being or not being enough, this is me telling you that I love you, I want you. Ineedyou.” The words tumble out, torn straight from my soul.
She cups my cheek, rises on her tiptoes, and presses akiss to my cheek, then spins away. I watch her back endlessly, noting the way she wipes her cheeks as she steps from the field back onto the trail.
I stare in stunned silence as her steps pick up, until she’s running away from me. Fear slices through me. She’s not a trail runner. What if she trips and falls or hurts herself? Mindlessly, I shove the entirety of the picnic into my backpack and sprint after her, almost tripping myself as I struggle to secure the load. I race until the trail becomes narrower and more treacherous, but I never catch even a glimpse of her.
“Did I miss a turn?” I mutter as I glance at a trail marker and realize it’s a different blaze than what I’d been on.
