Page 51 of Chase
I feel as uncomfortable in my skin as I’ve ever been. I ignore the continued knocking along with the world outside. My favorite people are on the other side of my door, but I still feel lonely. My body’s throbbing and the hurt in my heart is enough to have me curl up in a ball on top of my bed in my folklore inspired dress.
Chapter Twenty-Three
I’M PACINGthe length of the outside wall of the auditorium clutching the crap outta my phone while Taylor Swift sings the same song Sloane just sang to me. It wasn’t hard to find, I googled,this is me trying, and there it was.
I’m already working on memorizing it. I want the lyrics carved into my bones. I want each word to float and flow through my bloodstream. It’s been on repeat since I was thrown out of the building by security.Davis can get fucked for that.
I’d take my Birdie singing all day, every day, even over Taylor Swift. It’s hypnotizing. It sent me into a trance-like state and altered every cell in my body. She was an out-of-this-world siren singing me a song.
She was drop-dead gorgeous and gave me fucking heart palpitations when she opened up her mouth to sing. My lungs seized right up when she pursed those sexy lips together and blew me a kiss. I’ll never be the fucking same.
She was every bit the songbird I envisioned her to be. That microphone looked as natural in her hands as I do in skates on the ice. When she secured it into the mic stand, she looked fucking fierce. When she lifted her chin to the crowd, her silver feather necklace glinted under the stage lights. She looked like she was about to take flight when she lifted her arms at her sides and sang, It was like I saw her spirit animal or something. It was crazy beautiful.
Her voice spread like a lightning bolt through my system and shocked my fucking heart. If Monroe had reached over and felt for a pulse he’d no doubt start chest compressions. I was fucking stunned. I was in a goddamn catatonic state. This girl, this gorgeous girl, she stole my heart and my breath.
Just thinking about her up there in that green dress has me reaching down to squeeze my dick before readjusting myself. My cock was a steal fucking pipe in my pants watching my dream girl sing and has barely calmed down.
I swear to Gretzky, I need to see her. I gotta talk to her. I gotta tell her that I’m ready to try too. I have to set shit straight. I think she may have misinterpreted my shocked state when she sang, and I’m pretty sure that’s why she slammed the door in my face.
That’s when the campus security that was working the event showed up. Fucking Davis told them that she didn’t want to see me and they threw my ass out. That’s how I ended up stompingaround pacing under the shadow on the side of the auditorium building.
I’m so fucking angry. I tear my hat off my head and stuff the brim into my mouth and it does fuckall to muffle the scream that rips from my chest as I pull on my hair. I keep fucking everything up with her.Not anymore.
I stare up at the night sky and watch puffy gray clouds move through at a crazy-fast speed. I catch glimpses of stars and planes above and make the same damn wish over and over again.Don’t let me be too late.
I roll the back of my head back and forth against the outside wall trying to shake away the heartbreaking thoughts of her rejection, but it’s hard. Really fucking hard. I wasn’t surprised that I had a panic attack earlier and feel another one coming on.
The intrusive and negative commentary that flows through my head is downright disturbing. The air around me thins out and I feel a tightness in my lungs thinking about earlier. My heart hurts. It feels like my chest is caving in.
I’m alone this time when it hits. My siblings aren’t here to hold me up, to drag me away, to make sure I fucking breathe. I have to save myself all on my own. I have to crawl out of this hell myself. For the first time in fucking months, maybe years, I feel like maybe I can.
My sister may have slaughtered some demons tonight, but there are still several I need to slay on my own. I’m so fucking tempted to just throw my whole skull back and smash it into the red brick to make sure B’s forgiveness and acceptance really stick this time.
She’s given them to me before, but tonight was different…and I think therapy, even that one session, had something to do with it. I was ready to hear her this time.
I feel the little air I have trapped in my throat. It takes every bit of strength I have to focus on getting my breath back undercontrol. My fingers are fucking shaking and I’m still gripping my phone, that song playing on a loop.
I reach into my hoodie pocket to see if I have something else to hold and focus on. I usually have hockey tape scraps or a pen to fidget with.
My fingers curl around the papered edges of the program and I pull it out. I stuffed it in my pocket when the usher gave it to me earlier and didn’t bother looking at it. I flip through it and find her name. I try to focus on each letter and it helps me take steady breaths.
I find her bio and can’t read the words fast enough. The few paragraphs are full of stuff I didn’t know and I want to fucking know everything. My Birdie wants to be an editor. I knew she worked at the Havenwood Harold but I didn’t know what she did there.
Just seeing her name makes me feel all warm inside. Fuck, I hope I haven’t managed to ruin everything before they even had a chance to get started.
I was able to get my panic under control but I’m now nervous as hell. I used to do this thing to keep my hands busy when I would feel this way. I rip away the page of the program that has her name listed and start folding it. I haven’t done this in ages.
My mom did an online origami class during Covid to help her relax. I’d sit with her and we’d do it together. Mine may have always looked sloppy but they reminded me that I was in control. That I could shape and turn nothing into something. A plan piece of paper into a folded crane. I inspect each line and fold, making sure the little bird is perfect.
I jerk my head up when I hear the metal doors to the auditorium swing open.There you are, gorgeous girl.I watch her and fucking Davis start down the path toward the center of campus. I hang back for a few minutes before gingerly placingthe crane back in my hoodie pocket next to a chewed-up pen and pieces of tape from my stick. I keep my distance but my eyes are on her the entire walk back to her building.
She doesn’t look back but she feels me. I know she does when those sexy as fuck hips sway a little more and she flips her hair over her shoulders more than once. Her little hands are balled up into tight fists and I can’t decide if I want to unfurrow her delicate fingers with my own or gather all that fire hair into my fist and pull her beautiful body into mine.
I’d whisper the lyrics of our song into her ear while I held her stunning face in my hands. I’d stare into those honey eyes, drink in their sweetness, and recite that line of the song that’s been vibrating through me since I heard her sing it.
??It’s hard to be anywhere these days when all I want is you.??
And all I want is her. She enters her building and charges toward the elevators with her brother hot on her heels. I give her some space and wait by my tree keeping my eyes trained on her.
