Page 43 of Chase
A younger woman with a warm smile meets me at an open office and introduces herself. She leads me into her office and motions for me to take a seat.
She starts off with some basics about the office, scheduling, and Coach’s call. ’m trying to listen but it’s fucking hard when all I can think about is the mountain of shit there is to shift through.
Do I tell her that I’m adopted and have significant fears of being abandoned that I didn’t realize were even there until recently?
Should I tell her that I’ve let my sister down and as a result she’s been brutally attacked twice?
What about my obsession with said sister's best friend?
Or maybe I should tell her that I hate myself. That’s always a great fucking way to lead off a conversation.
“I can see you thinking awfully hard over there,” she says and eyes me through her glasses.
“I don’t really know what to say,” I tell her and shrug my shoulders.
“Start with why you’re here today and we’ll take it from there.”
So I do. I end up telling her everything. I let it all fucking hang out. I don’t stop once I start and it’s like some form of verbal diarrhea.
Ninety minutes later I’m walking out the door with an appointment for Monday and head toward home. I’m too mentally wrung out to go to class and I need to run. I’m fucking desperate for it.
I start to jog down the paths of campus and force myself out of Havenwood and onto the sidewalks of town. I run for ninety minutes straight. One minute for every minute of therapy.
When I make my way back home I’m a hungry and exhausted mess. The adrenaline rush of the morning is crashing down on me and I just want my bed.
No one’s home, but that doesn’t stop me from moving around the house as quickly as I can. One of them is probably assigned to check in on me soon. I love those assholes, but I can’t share anything else today. I’m all talked out.
I make four peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, grab some bananas, and as many water bottles as I can carry and head upstairs. I nearly drop it all when I open my bedroom door and am hit with the undeniable smell of lemon and disinfectant.What the fuck?
My entire room is full of bright sunlight. The blinds on my two windows are pulled up high and each window is open, letting fresh air pour in. My bed is made and looks clean. The piles of clothes on the floor are all folded in the laundry baskets that are usually full of garbage or flipped over as makeshift surfaces for me to stack dirty dishes on.
All the trash has been taken out. My desk is organized and looks like it’s been wiped down. There’s two plug-ins stuck into outlets on either side of the room and I can see my carpeted floor which looks like it’s been vacuumed.Holy shit.
This has B written all over it. I place my food and water bottles on my desk and dig my phone outta my joggers. I didn’t want her to see how bad things had gotten. I didn’t want her to feel like any of it was her fault.
ME:
Thanks for what you did in here
It must have taken you all morning to clean up my mess
B:
Max and Drew helped
I want to do more for you, let me help you
ME:
You’re the best sister in the world you know that?
B:
And YOU don’t have to go through this alone anymore, DO YOU KNOW THAT?
That’s what family is for Chase
I carefully lower myself down on top of my fresh bed, not wanting to disturb the fresh and crisp comforter. I feel like I’m laying on a cloud. I’m engulfed by the plushy blanket and stare at my ceiling for a while, letting the high emotions of my morning sink into the cotton along with some damn tears that leak out of my eyes.
