Page 36 of Chase
“That’s a losing man’s bet, it always has to do with her when his face is like that.” Monroe sticks his pointer finger in my cheek and I swat his hand away. He just can’t fucking help himself today.
“You assholes know I’m right fucking here, right?” I glare at them both before taking a sip of my water.
“Yeah but this is way more fun, seriously though, what’s up with you?” I think about my answer and it’s fucking ridiculous, that kiss on the check was one of the most innocent forms of affection there is. It’s fucking irrational that I’m pissed at Jake, but she makes me fucking crazy.
“Fucking Sloane kissed Jake on the cheek.” These assholes fucking laugh. Monroe wipes away tears and my brother is laughing so hard he tumbles to his back.
Their laughter gets the attention of Jake who’s been working out with a trainer.Great.
“I hate you both,” I mumble out which only encourages their antics when he walks over and makes himself comfortable on the mat.
“No ,you don’t. You're pissed at me and if you need to get something off your chest go ahead and say it, I can take it,” Jake says while starting to stretch out. Even when he’s mad, Jake’s still the nicest fucking guy in the world. This alone makes me feel like a dick. He doesn’t deserve this from me.
“It’s nothing man, we're cool.” I tell him because if I admit why I’m pissed I have a feeling he’ll put me on my ass about Sloane. They’re friends and I know their exchange before was a hundred percent platonic. This shit is all on me, it’s not on her, or Jake, or anyone else. I’ve put her and I in this position.
Jake sighs and runs his hand over his face. He’s now got the attention of the entire goddamn room, because if Jake Terrenzio takes any form of the spotlight, you fucking watch and listen. He’s that commanding, it’s just who he is.
“Daddy’s about to let you have it,” Monroe whispers before laughing like an idiot.
“Look man, you're playing fucking games with Sloane and I’m not going to watch her get hurt just like I wouldn’t watch you get hurt. That’s what this morning was about and that’s why we’re all fucking here now…because you’re hurting yourself.”
“I’m not hurting my-,” I try to interrupt him but he cuts me right off.
“I’m not fucking done,”Okay then.
“She saw you talking to that girl and she’s well aware that you say nothing, do nothing and act as if she means nothing to you. Even though everyone fucking knows that it’s the fucking opposite of the goddam truth. It upset her and I told her that those girls had nothing on her, that they aren’t fucking comparable, and that you sure as fuck know that. I should have told her what a goddamn idiot you are but I think she knows thatalready.” He doesn’t waver. He doesn’t squirm under my steely eyes. He just crosses his arms over his chest and lifts his head to me. I don’t say a fucking word.I am a fucking idiot.He holds out his fist for me to bump and I do.
“Let that marinate in your thick skull for a little bit. I’m fucking hungry, I gotta go eat,” Monroe says and smacks me in the head with Jake right behind him.
“That girl could be the love of your fucking life if you stop trying to ruin yours,” A adds while popping up to his feet.
“I didn’t know you were such a fucking romantic,” I yell at his retreating form.
“And I didn’t know you were such a fucking dumbass.” He counters without giving me another glance.Okay, that stings a bit.
I finish up in the weight room and I’m no longer angry, if anything I feel like an idiot. Jake is right and I saw several heads nod in agreement when he called me out. I would actually use more colorful adjectives to describe myself and there isn’t a shortage of names that accurately account for my behavior towards Sloane.
My brother’s right; she’s a once in a lifetime kinda girl and I’ve got feelings for her that run fucking deep. But I’ve also got deep rooted guilt over the unimaginable pain and suffering I’ve brought to my sister. And I’m fucking disgusted with myself over my choices and actions.I really am a worthless piece of shit.
I’m not discounting other siblings and their blood and bonds, but A and B are my triplethood. We’re multiples of each other and even though we’re individual people, our connection to one another is on a whole different level.
The fact that I failed her twice, and she’s been hurt to the degree that she has, wounds me in a way that feels unbearable at times.
I know A feels this cavernous wound as well. Him and I are bleeding out even if he’d never admit it. That’s what it feels like, even though we’ve done some substantial healing as a family it’s not enough.It’ll never be enough.It’s because of this that I can’t have her. It’s because of this that I won’t overstep and take her from B. Sloane belongs to my sister.
They’re best friends, the friendship that B deserves to have. She deserves the fierce loyalty, security, love and empowerment that their friendship gives her. I wouldn’t want to get in the middle and mess that up for either of them.
I’ve ruined plenty of friendships for B in the past. I’ve benefited from girls pretending to like her who really liked me. A has too. We kept taking and taking and taking from her. I love my sister, she is a third of me, and I’ve been a terrible brother and person to her. I’m paying my dues and trying to be better for her, our relationship, and for our triplethood.
I just have to keep reminding myself and everyone else who pushes me to shoot my shot with Sloane that I don’t deserve the beautiful, kind, and true-hearted woman that she is.
She deserves more than I am, more than I have shown her, and more than I can ever be.
So I’ll continue to do what I always do. I’ll keep my distance and watch her from afar, I’ll dream of her and all that could be if I wasn’t me, and I’ll remain fucking mesmerized by the woman she is. She just can never be mine.
We’re having a team meeting before we suit up for our game. I still have no idea if Coach is gonna play me or if I’ll be a healthy scratch. I’m trying to find it in me to give a shit either way.
I slouch down in my seat and listen to Coach go on and on about the next few games we have. Coach glares at myteammates, including A, who are enrolled in tutoring and slams his fist on the table when talking about academic eligibility and maintaining good GPAs.
