Page 30 of Chase
“What the actual fuck?” I screech out.
“Figured we’d join you this morning,” Jake says while rolling out his neck.
“It’s not a group run,” I tell him and push through their big bodies to get to the sidewalk.I bet I can outrun them.
“It is today, sunshine,” Monroe singsongs. He looks ridiculous with a neon reflective headband holding his long hair off his face and a blinking light around his neck.
“Like hell it is,” I take off and they scramble to catch up as I dart down Jock Row. I don’t want to fucking run with them and I definitely don’t feel like talking.
I just want to run for a while, go to morning skate, and then report to my volunteer hours. We have a game today but I doubt I’m playing after my meeting yesterday. I still haven’t decided if I’m going to do therapy. Just thinking about it makes my head fucking hurt. I just want to fast forward through this fucking dayso I can go see her later. Standing outside of her building with a direct view of her room has become the only few hours of the day I give a shit about.
“I love tag!” Monroe yells while blinking, reflecting, and laughing like a fucking idiot.Jesus, who thought it was a good idea to let this lunatic out of the house?
“Slow the fuck down,” I hear my brother shout from behind me.
“I don’t want company,” I shout over my shoulder picking up speed.
“Too fucking bad,” Max yells back. “I can’t believe you dragged me out of bed for this. I thought you said we were gonna walk and talk, not run a goddamn marathon before the sun is even up.” I hear him say with a huff.
“He’s being stubborn per usual, he’ll slow down eventually,” Jake tells him.
“Awwww, you missing your cuddle time?” Monroe teases in between making dumb kissing noises.
“You have no fucking idea,” Max grumbles out. I can already tell this conversation is gonna end up with Monroe getting smacked in the head and me getting pissed off.
“Dude, the walls are thin, we all know why you love cuddle time so much.” I don’t have to turn around to hear Jake smack Monroe in the head and for Max to growl at him. “At least while your ass is out here, poor Evie can get some rest for once,” he says while laughing his ass off. I try not to puke in my mouth.
“Go away, you’re all pissing me off,” I yell and try to get that image outta my head. The last thing I want to hear about is my sister’s sex life. I’m glad she’s happy and in love and all that, but no.Just no.
“Not until we talk, we’re out here at 4 AM because we’re worried about you,” Jake shouts back.Great, a fucking intervention.It makes my blood boil to think of them all sittingaround, talking shit, and planning this. I abruptly stop before turning around and watch them all nearly topple over one another.Good. Fuckers.
“Can we go back home and talk? We’ve got some time before morning skate and this seems to be the only time of the day that you’re not locked away in your room and we’re not on the ice. It’s also fucking cold out here,” Max asks and it hits me right in the heart.Damn.
“We’re all concerned, man. We wouldn’t be out here if we weren’t. Come on, let’s go home and talk this out.” Monroe seems genuinely concerned for someone who usually avoids serious conversations. “I’ll make a pot of coffee and a cup of that hot chocolate you like.”
“Fuck, sorry I’m late, I slept through my alarm and then had to track Max’s location to catch up to you guys.” Drew’s voice booms over the guys heads and he shoulders through. He’s taking in gulps of air while folded over with his hands on his knees. “You okay, man?” He asks when he catches his breath. His words are wrapped up with so much sincerity it nearly has me walking back to the house.
“Come on, C, let’s go figure shit out,” it’s my big brother’s cracking voice that has me caving. He takes a tentative step toward me and holds out his hand and I eye it with apprehension churning in my gut.
It’s hard for me to admit what’s been going on and talk about the guilt that’s eating me alive. It’s not fucking easy to wake up every day and face who I’ve become. I hate myself and I’m nervous they are gonna hate me too. I swear I hear him whisper,pleasein my head.Damn triplet-speak.
I smack his palm and he pulls me into a hug. “I can’t watch you do this to yourself anymore,” he whispers in my ear before releasing me.
These guys are my closest friends on the planet. I love them all and don’t want to let them down even though I really don’t want to talk about the shit I’ve been dealing with. I feel so damn small with them all watching me while they wait for me to make a move.
“What’s it gonna be? You ready to face whatever this is with us by your side or you gonna keep trying to go at it alone? I don’t think that’s working out too well for you though,” Drew says.
“I appreciate your concern, but I don’t need it; I go for a run every morning to clear my head,” I tell him and the rest of them frown. I mean A is always frowning so that’s nothing new.
“What? I’m fucking fine. Why are you guys looking at me like that?” I ask and stomp down the sidewalk to lead us back home. I don’t want to fucking see anymore of their pity stares.
“Thank fuck, I’m freezing my balls out here, how the fuck does he do this everyday?” Max says from behind me.Because I feel nothing but guilt and shame over my sister who happens to be your girlfriend. Oh, and a longing that will end up killing me over her best friend who happens to be off limits.
I could take off but they’ll just end up right behind me. I roll my eyes knowing that they will just ambush me at home if I don’t hear them out now. Once they get an idea in their heads it’s game over.Persistent, caring, jerks.
I don’t have the energy to fight them on this anyway. They’ll give up when they see that there’s no point to any of this. No point in trying to get me back to who I was.He might as well be dead. This is me now.
We make it up our walkway and I stick the key in the lock. A is jammed up close behind me and I look over my shoulder at him. He hasn’t been this close to me since we were in utero. “What the hell are you doing?”
