Page 39 of Chase
When I shut myself in my car I feel a moment of deja-vu. The last time he was in my car we held hands while I drove us all to General Hospital to wait on news about Edison and Evie. The urge to take this broken boy’s hand again is something fierce. Instead I white knuckle grip the steering wheel with both hands.
“I, uh, didn’t know that Max was gonna call you. Sorry about this. You can just drop me off here and I’ll walk the rest of the way home.” He sounds distant even though he’s sitting inches away from me. He’s staring out the window and he looks stiff as a board even though his body is slumped against the seat.
“I’m not dropping you off anywhere but home, ya hear? ” I tell him trying to sound both stern and sweet.
“It’s no big deal, I can use the fresh air, I don’t mind walking.”Of course ya don’t, you stubborn man.I roll my eyes and sit idly at a red light. The drive is quick and easy yet he’s making things impossible.
“Is it really that bad to be sitting here with me?” I blurt out loudly and with a bite.Oh my soul I totally meant for that to stay in my head.
This man whips his head around at me so fast I slam on the brake and the whole car jolts forward. I’ve pulled onto Jock Row and thankfully no one is behind me. I crawl the car up to his hockey house before slowly turning to face him. Those chocolate brown eyes are melting into me. They’re full of so much and look like they have so much to say.
“Bad?” he scoffs and shakes his head while his right-hand reaches and rests on the door handle. He’s ready to jump out and put more space between us. “No, sitting here with you isn’t bad. It’s fucking torture to sit this close to you and know it’s as close as I’ll ever get.” He searches my face before ducking his chin toward his chest, “Goodnight, gorgeous girl.” And then he’sgone. Outta the car and up the path toward his front door leaving me stunned in my SUV.
“There doesn’t have to be any space at all,” I say out loud and send the not-so-silent plea up to the stars above and drive away feeling more resolved than ever to sing my heart out tomorrow.
Chapter Sixteen
“GET YOUR ASS UP,we gotta go, C. Rise and fucking shine, sleeping beauty.” My brother yells from the other side of my bedroomdoor. I peel one eyelid open and check my phone.That jerk woke me an hour earlier than when we had to get up.
“Go away, asshole.” I’m not ready to get up yet. There’s no morning skate today and I wanted to just lay here for as long as possible before I have to face today. If I’m still asleep then it’s still last night.And last night, I was with her.
It was sweet torture. Ten whole minutes of beautiful torment. I couldn’t breathe while I was in her car for the short drive from the arena to home. I kept thinking about the only other time I was sitting in that passenger seat.
When she held my hand and kept me calm when I felt like my world was splitting apart. I don’t usually give up opportunities to stare and to get my fill of her. But I couldn’t do it. I knew I’d break.
I’d look over at her, we’d lock eyes, and I wouldn’t be able to stop that invisible thread from reeling me in. This time, if she touched me, I’d be anything but calm. My world would surely split open again. I’d be swallowed whole and I’d take her with me.
I felt her for hours after I fled her car. Her intoxicating scent stayed in my nostrils and her pretty voice echoed in my head. I felt high after a hit that strong. Every cell in my body was fucking buzzing.
I was hyper-aware of the devil basking in his post-Sloane daze and the angel patting me on the back for not reaching across the center console to pull her into my lap.I deserve a damn medal for showing so much damn restraint.
Just like I do now. My brother is being annoying as fuck and kicking my door over and over again. He’s gonna put his big foot right through it if he doesn’t stop.
“I’m about to kick this door down if you don’t get your ass up and into the shower. I swear I can smell you from here.” I roll myeyes at his bullshit. He won’t leave without me and I need just a few more minutes to keep the world at bay.
I stifle a yawn, throw the comforter over my head, and shut my eyes. I’m exhausted. I didn’t sleep much last night after I ran up to my room and locked the damn door. No one was home for me to keep out. I was keeping myself locked in. I knew if I had given myself permission to leave, I would’ve run straight to her.
My stomach is growling and I curl into myself. I didn’t eat much yesterday. Before I passed out I found a sleeve of crackers and an old glass of orange juice that I must have left on my desk and ate that. I didn’t bother leaving the room. I ignored the constant text messages, calls, and knocks on my door.
“Fuck it, I’m coming in.”
“Great, first B and now you. Just come right in like it’s your room.” I mumble out thinking of my sister busting in here last Saturday before dragging me to that party. A rips my comforter off my head and ruins my cocoon.I swear, he’s the goddamn worst.
“You could let me sleep instead of waking me up an hour before we need to get up, you know,” I glare out at him. I just wanted to shut my eyes and relive the few minutes I had with her. Go over every second of being in that car. The heavenly hell of sitting next to the girl of my dreams.
“I don’t want to be late for Amy and I need to water and feed you. You’re looking skinny and you smell like shit still.” He says and dramatically crinkles his nose. He points his finger at me and scoffs, “And I’m burning that fucking sweatshirt when your ass is in the shower, there’s no saving it at this point.”Rude.
“Fine, I’m up, I’m up,” I tell him and stretch my arms over my head. I’m sore all over even though I didn’t play last night. I feel like I was hit by a car instead of sitting inside one. I begrudgingly grab a towel from a pile of laundry and sidestep my brother to get to the hallway. He lingers in my room and islooking over everything. “Don’t touch any of my stuff,” I remind him.
“Like there’s enough fucking time for me to hunt down a hazmat suit and a dumpster because that’s what it would take for me to touch any of the crap you have in there.” He’s being an ass and I flip him off while walking away. I’m about to shut the bathroom door when I hear him say,
“You want ham or turkey bacon on your egg and cheese sandwich?”
“Ham and hot sauce,” I tell him and he nods. I lock myself in the bathroom and take a long look at myself in the mirror. My skin is colorless, there are dark shadows underneath my eyes and my hair is shaggy looking. My face has thinned out and I look tired… on the inside and the outside.Maybe I do need some help.
It actually felt pretty good to shower and put on fresh clothes. I eat my breakfast as we walk the few blocks over.
My mind can’t focus on all the shit that’s happening today and before I know it, we’re in front of the shelter doors. I feel anxious as fuck.How am I supposed to get through a meeting with my new therapist and see Sloane tonight in the Winter Showcase?
