Page 21 of Chase
“She looks real pretty tonight, if she didn’t have that boyfriend hangin’ off her, I would’ve made a move,” he says with a smile as I smack him in the chest. “You girls like your hockey players around here, huh? Must be somethin’ in the water,” he says with a smirk while we walk out of his room.
“Yeah, must be,” I mumble to myself thinking about that damn handsome devil who’s making me madder than a wet hen with all the dilly-dallying he does.
Davis locks his new bedroom door and we silently decide to keep all the heaviness and all the secrets I have behind that door for now. I text Evie to let her know I’m headed to the living room to find the showcase girls and dance. I shake out my hand and a shiver shoots up my spine, reminding me of how screwed up tonight is going.
I’m curious to see him when he’s drinking and to find out if alcohol is the turnkey to him letting his guard down. Part of me wishes I wasn’t feeling this way, especially after Davis shed light on the foundational cracks I’ve been pretending don’t matter. But feelings aren’t facts, and the facts are firm. I don’t really know him because he won’t let me in. My feelings for him can’t fill those gaps no matter how strong they are.
When I walked in here I wanted to feel his eyes warm my skin and have him make things right even if it was for right now. I knew he wouldn’t come to me but in the back of my mind, I thought I may be able to draw him out. I would bet all the money in my purse he would find me, he always does.
Before tonight I was fine with just having his eyes on me. Taking the pieces of him that he was willing to give. But now, it doesn’t feel like it’s enough. If he doesn’t want to move forward with me, then I may need to let him go like Davis is suggesting and move on. Maybe it’s time to wave the white flag and quit whatever games we’re playing before I lose.Because you can’t lose somethin’ you never really had to start with.
Chapter Seven
I’M WALKINGbehind my brother and I’ve got a choice to make as I follow Davis deeper into the house. The party swallows us up when we hit the living room and I can either make a run for the door or I can stay and try to salvage what I can of this Saturday.
If I head home, I know I won’t be able to stop myself from cutting. I’ll reach for my razor before I even kick off my shoes if I go home right now. My hands are shaking just thinking about it. My emotions have been riding a rollercoaster all night andthe noise in my head is louder than the bass vibrating through the house. My brother did a bang-up job of poking holes in my feelings tonight. He shed light on some hard-hitting facts that I’ve been making every effort to ignore.
I don’t make a habit of admitting this freely, but Davis has the uncanny ability to be right a lot of the time. He’s now in my head and the self-doubt seeds continue to be in full bloom. When I’m this bent outta shape, I end up making mistakes. I end up cutting too deep and press the blade into swatches of skin that scar and are noticeable and harder to explain. I’ll go for thin skin that bleeds too much. I could do some damage and I really don’t want tohurt hurtmyself.
It’s probably best for me to stay here and find Evie. She makes me happy and I need a dose of sunshine right about now. I bet if I dance and sing I’ll feel better and can salvage some of the night. It’ll keep me from replaying every god-awful moment of the day on repeat. At least for a while.
I roll my shoulders back, silently telling myself to get it together and split off from my brother. I’m gonna make it my mission to shake off the rocky start to my second college party at Havenwood. It’s been an awful hour and I want to have a better night. I need to turn this around. I need to dance out the tension, get lost in a song, and sing my heart out. My best friend and brother are here, there’s a new semester starting, and the showcase is next weekend. These are good things.Best for me to remember that.
I pull out my buzzing phone and Evie’s name flashes across my screen letting me know that she’s headed this way in a few minutes with Max. I continue to roll my hips to the beat of a pop song, throwing my hands over my head and singing as loud as I can.
One of the showcase girls hands me a hard seltzer and it goes down easy,too easy, and I’m given another as soon as I shakethe can indicating its empty contents. If I drink, I never have more than two, but tonight may call for three or four under the circumstances.
Evie taps me on the shoulder and I wrap her up in a hug before stepping back to take a good look at her. She looks great, less anxious than I thought she would be. She squeezes my hands and I’m instantly reminded of my nail digging. It’s less intrusive than cutting but still not something I want her to know about.
Especially not tonight, she did it, she checked off going to a college party off her New Year's resolution list and I’m so proud of her for it. She’s brave and tries hard every day to heal and to be strong.I can’t even manage to go a few hours without breaking my promise to not be so self-destructive.
I keep a happy smile on my face and hug Max as well. Another hockey girlfriend snags Evie’s attention and whisks them over to where some of his teammates are standing. She gives me a wide-eyed and sympathetic look over her shoulder and I wave her off, encouraging her to go. She can do this.She doesn’t need me to hold her hand, mine aren’t as strong as she thinks they are anyway.
The girls and I start moving towards the edges of the room and away from the heart of dancing bodies when I feel eyes on me. It’s a familiar warmth that’s running through me and I know if I turn around, I’ll find the heat source. It’s always him. The minute our eyes collide I feel the butterflies in my belly take flight like they always do when we first connect. I can’t help it. The physical reaction I have towards him is instant and it’s the exact opposite of the swirling thoughts in my head. I need to get myself one of those nets to capture those butterflies to keep them…and my heart… under control.
He’s not helping the situation and is causing my whole body to tingle when I get a good look at him. He’s got a blackHavenwood Devils sweatshirt with his name and number on the back. Red hockey sticks adorn his left sleeve which fit nicely over his toned body. He’s got his hat on backwards and his brown hair sticks out underneath. He’s been wearing it longer than usual and I love it like that.
He’s got on black joggers that hug that bubble butt of his and sneakers that are at least a size twelve. He’s absolutely delicious tonight and I can’t help but run my tongue over my lips wondering what his kiss would taste like.Not that he’s given me any reason to think he wants to kiss me, but still, I bet it would be ground-shakin’.
The longer I look at him, the more flush I feel. It’s hotter than the noon sun and the hard seltzer can feels cool against my skin when I run it across my heated neck. I fan myself while talking to the girls and notice they aren’t nearly as sweaty as I am.It must be him.
I catch him staring like I’m all he sees. It's just him and I and the electrical current running along the wire that’s pulled tight between us. I feel him in every cell of my body as I stand straight as an arrow and perfectly still. His effect on me is immediate and infuriating.
It’s all-consuming regardless of the tiny bits he throws me. It’s like he’s in control of these moments and I’m unable to break free. He’d just follow me if I ever managed to do just that…and I’d want him to.
The riot of fluttering wings in my belly usually makes me giddy with anticipation, but now I’m wondering if they really are just making me feel woozy. This push, pull, push, pull between us used to lead to anticipation of ending in us giving into it.
Maybe I need to just see it for what it really is, which is just plain ole’ exhausting. As devouring as he looks, he frustrates me to no end. I cross my arms over my chest in annoyance at thegames we play, and I do take on some of the burden in this situation as I push my boobs up.
The showcase girls pull me in to dance and I start to sway my hips still feeling warm from his burning stare. Having his eyes on me makes me scorching hot. I’ve never felt like this with another set of eyes on me before. It’s our chemistry. It’s combustible and unfortunately, a big focus has been on the bust.
He could easily walk over and dance with me but he won’t. And as much as I say that I’m done with the games, I’m not done with him. I say I am and then he looks at me like he does, he looks as handsome as he does, and I’m back in his game, our game, push, pull, push, pull.What’s the definition of insanity again? If you looked it up, you’d see a pic of me. That’s what he does to me.
If he would show me the man I know he can be and made his move I’d meet him halfway. But he won’t. And that’s what makes me feel so foolish. I feel conflicted and that everything is jammed up. My brain tells me to stop messing with his immaturity, my heart tells me to stop allowing us to be strung along, my body tells me it likes the burn marks he leaves, and my soul tells me that Chase Wilton will be worth the wait. All of my rational logic might as well be thrown out the window when it comes to him.
He’s sitting on a couch that’s pushed up against a wall and looks hauntingly handsome with sad eyes that are clearly glazed over with the drinking he’s done tonight. I watch as he tips a golden bottle to his pouty lips when Hunter whisks it away and shoves water into his hands.
This man has always worn his heart on his sleeve, his emotions strewn across his face, with his expressive eyes giving everything away. Now is no different as I look back at him although his usual carefree demeanor from last semester is gone and in its place is something else entirely. He looks defeated and depleted. It’s a look I recognize, feelings I know well.
