Page 20 of Chase
“He’s around here somewhere,” he offers as if he’s read my mind. I just smile, not sure what else there is to say. As much as the butterflies in my belly are fluttering to see him, I know nothing else will happen besides smoldering stares that won’t change anything between us. I can’t imagine anything happening tonight that will cause us to shift. He’ll stay glued to the walls of the room while I dance and have some much-needed fun with his sister.
He’ll watch and I’ll make sure he does. I’ll go home alone and wish he was there. That’s all it’ll be because he won’t step toward me. He won’t meet me in the middle. He won’t give in and fall over the edge with me. I can’t help but let out a frustrated huff and loud sigh. Hunter, bless his heart, just raises his eyebrows but doesn’t question me about it. After all, Hunter’s usually off brooding, but the boy ain’t blind.
I’ve never liked games but I’ve managed to have volunteered myself as tribute to play a part in this one-on-one match Chase and I seem to be playing. I doubt I’ll come out a winner unless I start to bend his rules. Push him a little. Give him that nudge I mentioned at dinner when Monroe was goating him about me. About us. About what could be.
I dig my nails into my palms again, frustrated with him and this situation. A situation I can’t get out of because that boy stirs my soul and makes my heart beat.Don’t get me started on the fanny flutters.He’s the hottest thing I’ve ever seen.
I find a few girls from the showcase who I’ll be performing with next weekend and go say hello. I promise them I’ll come back and read the text on my watch from my brother. He’s in the kitchen and I maneuver through bodies to get to him.
“There you are, Sloaney,” he looks me over as I hand him my purse to hold while I shimmy out of my coat folding it over my arm that probably has bruises from that jerk.
“Let’s go lock these in your room, then you can get me a drink and we can properly toast to you bein’ at Havenwood,” he doesn’t make a move to lead us to his room and he’s giving me that look, letting me know he knows something is up.
“What’s goin’ on with you? Ya got this look on your face that’s makin’ my alarm bells go off,” he says in a worried way that fills me with guilt for not texting him, for lying to him, and for putting myself in harm's way.And for hurting myself again.
“All’s well, now stop hoverin’ like Lucielle, and let’s put these away,” I tell him and he smiles when I mention our live-in nanny. That woman mothered and smothered us day in and day out and still calls us three days a week to check-in. She’s more maternal than our Mama and might as well have her helicopter license for all the hovering she does but I love her something fierce for it. As does Davis.
“Met your hockey player earlier. You failed to mention he drinks like a damn fish,” he says as we walk into his room and I put my coat and purse on his desk. I haven’t known Chase to drink but then again Evie and I steered clear of parties last semester.
“Really? That doesn’t sound like him at all,” I’m surprised. Whenever I’ve gotten wind of drunk hockey players, Monroe’s name is mentioned more than anyone else's. He’s the team party boy, not Chase.
“Smelled like a liquor cabinet and has a chip on his shoulder,” he says while folding his arms over his chest. “You deserve better than some jackass.” He’s letting me know he already doesn't like him.
Now Chase is a lot of things but I’ve never known him to bethosethings. The last thing I wanted was my brother and the man I can’t get out of my head to hate each other.
“Ya sure you met the right Wilton? Drinkin’ and bad attitudes sound more like Hunter than Chase,” I ask hoping it’s true.
“Nah, it was him, Drew introduced us himself.” He looks at me like he wants to say more but is hesitating.
“Cat got your tongue? Out with it, Davis, we’re not gettin’ any younger.” If he needs to get something off his chest he might as well do it now.
“I’m just thinkin’ that you may not know him as well as you think you do. Maybe you should just stay away from him, I’d hate to see ya end up with a broken heart.” I know he’s not trying to be harsh but his words hurt all the same.
I feel silly and small standing here considering how strong my feelings are for a man I really don’t know. Maybe my brother is right, maybe I do need to just let whatever this is between Chase and I burn off instead of burn bright.
Maybe I’m playing a game of solitaire after all. How could things have gotten this far for me when he’s still hanging back? I’ve been a fool and I have no one but to blame but myself. My heart might as well be a ping pong ball volleying back and forth as it’s hit repeatedly with paddles. My emotions are all over the place and I can’t keep up from one minute to the next.
I need to sit, I feel off balance with the heap of heavy revelations and realizations spinning in my head. My red-palmed hand grips my feather necklace and I run my thumb over the cool metal.
All I’m thinking about is cutting to release the pressure building up inside of me. My scarred and sliced thumb which has taken the brunt of razors over and over again rubs the pendant back and forth. One or two more won’t matter.
“Sloaney, talk to me,” Davis pleads. I know he knows I’ve been cutting. Pinching my skin, pressing my nails into myself. All of it. That I’m hiding it from him. I take a deep breath and the storm clouds in my head drift away. “I’m only tellin’ you all this so you can protect your heart. Don’t go gettin’ lost in your head over this guy.”
“We’re not datin’, we’re not anythin’, there’s nothin’ to stay away from because nothin’ is happenin’.” My accent is thick and the words taste and sound sour. I hate ‘em. I hate that it’s the truth, that he’s not mine, no matter how much I want him to be.
“Then why are ya settlin’ for scraps when you deserve the whole damn platter?” Is that what I’m doing? Am I misinterpreting being tied up in knots for really being strung along? I squeeze my hands together for the fourth time forming fists, exhaling my feelings through my nose. I haven’t seen Evie yet and already want to go home.This sacred Saturday is not turning out the way I wanted it to.
Davis reaches and takes my hands in his and rolls out my clenched fingers. I let out a shaky breath when he turns my palms over. I immediately try to ball them up again. To hide my demons and the darkest parts of myself.
“Let's see ‘em,” he asks in a concerned whisper. I don’t want him to see, I don’t want him to know how screwed up I am. How good it feels when I hurt myself. There are now several rows of crescent marks lining my skin from all the hand squeezing I’ve been doing since I came back here. He ever so gently grazes his index finger over the marks.
“Sloaney, you can’t keep-,” he’s cut off by a loud banging on his door and one of his new teammates demanding he, “get his ass out here,” which we both ignore. “You can’t keep doin’ this to yourself-,” Now I cut him off.
I know what he’s trying to say, I’ve heard it a hundred times. I know I need to stop but I also know today isn’t the day it’llhappen. I can’t make him a promise today that I know I may break before the end of the night.
“I know, Davis, I know. I’ll keep tryin’, okay?” It’s the best I’ve got and it’s going to have to do. It’s going to have to be good enough for now. “Come on, let’s get you out there. I need to find Evie anyway.”
I don’t want to talk about this anymore tonight. I feel weak as it is. I’m stronger than this but don’t have anything left in me tonight. There’s zero wind left in my sails. Some liquid courage may do the trick, it’s a party after all, and I promised my best friend a good time.
