Page 1 of Chase
Prologue
THE BRISK EARLYmorning air tingles through my chest and into my lungs as I inhale a deep breath in front of the hockey house. I roll my neck and swing my arms to shake out the aches and pains.Gotta make room for more.
It’s quiet but the intrusive thoughts in my head are already loud as hell. I reach down and touch my toes, stretching out my legs and checking my shoelaces one last time. The knots aretight, the laces looped securely. These beat-up, scuffed, and dirty sneakers have seen better fucking days… just like I have.
I check my smartwatch; I’ve been awake for eleven minutes and already wish this damn day was over. It’s now like this; I wait for the minutes to tick by, the miles to run down, and for my head and heart to shut the fuck up.
I used to have a different outlook on the start of a new day. I used to pack as much in as I could, jamming a crap ton into each hour, and spending as much time as possible with my friends, family, and team.Not anymore.
I don’t want to see anyone.Except her, always her.It’s why I’m out here at four in the fucking morning. There isn’t anyone else around.
I take off with a jog and follow the sidewalk down Jock Row passing the other team houses. The street lamps illuminate my dark shadow and it reminds me of why I’m running in the first place.
I’ve always worn my heart on my goddamn sleeve. I’m the sensitive triplet, the baby, the brother, and the friend everyone can count on. I’m loyal as hell, loving to a fault, and want everyone around me to be having a good time. The human equivalent of a golden retriever. Hell, I have more golden retriever energy than the actual one we had growing up. At least I did.At least that’s who I was.
I have an incessant need to fix things and to keep the people in my world happy. Especially my siblings, A and B. We’ve been through hell and back and our triplet-hood has taken hit after hit the past few years. I love my siblings and would do anything for them. Organ donation? Take my kidney. Getaway car? I’ll drive. Need to bury a body? I’ll grab the shovel.Stay away from my sister’s best friend even though I’m fucking obsessed with her? Easier said than done.
I’ve always run to get out of my damn head and to cope with whatever drove me to pound the fucking pavement in the first place. Long mind-numbing runs late at night, before the sun rises, or in the middle of the day, is what got me through some serious shit in the past and will no doubt get me through this now.That and a forced smile so no one really knows what's going on.
The running started after my parents sat the three of us down and revealed that we were adopted. A was punching walls or whoever got in his way, and B shut herself away in our treehouse.
When I wasn’t holding my brother’s arms back and trying to convince my sister to come down, I was running. I ran three mornings a week before practice and school to deal with my own fucked up feelings.
I needed to get my mind right before I started my self-imposed full-time job of keeping an eye on my brother and sister. I felt compelled to keep the peace, reassure my parents that everything was fine while they were working, and tried my best to keep things normal among us.
At the time, I couldn’t put into words what I was feeling so therapy wasn’t an option for me. I sat in front of a therapist and nothing fucking happened. It was dead silent for an hour and I never went back.
I tried to lose myself in girls but that just backfired and ended up pushing B further into her shell. A and I were assholes and hooked up with her friends when they would sleep over.I should kick my own ass for being such an insensitive bastard to her.
I did the only thing I could think of to manage the daily stress. The only thing that worked. I increased my runs to five days a week and focused on hockey. I shattered scoring recordsand helped push our team toward winning states our senior year, securing my spot as a winger for Havenwood.
I desperately tried to keep everything together and then the world fucking imploded when my sister was attacked. Since then, I haven’t been able to go a goddamn day without running. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to stop now that history repeated itself.
At first, I was able to run and repent. Go on with the rest of my day while I worked through the guilt and shame of what I had done. I had slept with a rival’s on-and-off again girlfriend which set off an avalanche of shit for my sister. B forgave me and I was able to put it behind me. She insisted I give hockey my all and I did that.
I was happy when she decided she was ready to come here. It was gonna be a fresh start for her and for the three of us. Then I fucked up again. I lied to her. I didn’t tell her that those fucking dirtbags would be here at HU.
I kept my mouth shut which was so fucking dumb. In my head, I was trying to protect her. My silence led to my sister screaming as loud as she could. I’ve never felt more fucking broken than when I saw Evie unconscious in Max’s arms. It still devastates me when I think about it.When I think about who I’ve become.
Every morning, regardless of the weather, I crawl out of bed at 4:00 AM and run. I run until my lungs burn, my calves cramp, and my toes bleed. I run until my brain can no longer hold on to images of my sister lying on the pavement, sprawled out on her dorm floor, or in another hospital bed.
I run until the pain in my body is so intense, it’s hard to tell if the tears that stream down my face are from the physical exertion or the festering emotional wounds. Either way, they mix with the waterfall of sweat that drips down my forehead, so no one would know the difference anyway.
I run until I’m so fucking exhausted, that my body doesn’t try to get to Sloane. I run so I’m too tired to find her and the soul-craving moments of peace that only she can give me.
I run to get away from myself and who I’ve become. I run from my past, from my present, and from whatever the day has in store for me.
I run until the devil on one side of my shoulder falls asleep and the angel on the other side falls off. I’ve never felt more at war with myself than I do now.
I run until my heart only beats to keep up with each pounding step I take instead of beating for her.Sloane.
My feet are aching as I hit my seventh mile. The pain isn’t enough to stop me, I need to feel it. The agony reminds me of what I’ve done and keeps me in my goddamn place. This is the emotional consequence of all my fuckups.I deserve this.
I round a sharp corner and eye a giant fucking hill. Like every day of my life, today is going to be full of ups and downs that I’ll need to tackle. The majority of Havenwood’s students will be returning today before the spring semester starts on Monday.
It’s no secret that everyone moves in today to get settled in before parties break out all over campus tonight. I’m dreading it. I’ll have to do my best to wear my fake-as-fuck smile to hide what’s really going on inside of me.
I don’t want one person tipped off that something’s wrong.It’s not about me.It’s about my sister and her healing. I won’t allow a shred of attention to be taken from her and refocused on me.
