Page 74 of Quarantined
"I don't want to go back to how it was. I will tone it down around Mia. We will be more careful from now on."
"No," I say hurriedly as panic sets in. I try to wipe my clammy hands on my skirt. He is making me feel like an insane person for making rational choices.
Milo lifts a hand and runs it through his hair, as he studies me suspiciously. "Is this about something more? Did I do something wrong? I know I have been gone for a few days. I tried to call and text…"
"It's not that. It's nothing you did," I cut him off. I can't bear to see the agony in his face but I have to stay on course. I don't want to be his fuck buddy anymore. Why is that so hard for him to believe?
I look all over the room, praying for divine intervention; anything that will make him understand. “Look, we tried the whole friends with benefits thing. Personally, I have outgrown it. You are one of my closest friends and legally my guardian. We still have to live together in the same house. So let’s be adults about this.”
Milo gapes at me, like I have lost my mind. “What the hell Raven! Do you think I risked everything in our lives to have a fuck buddy. You think that’s what we are?”
“Well, not anymore.”
“This is not about sex,” Milo yells. He breathes heavily, in an attempt to steady his temper. He finally speaks in a lower, but still angry, tone. “Where the hell is this even coming from?”
I narrow my eyes at him. Is he really going to pretend like I am the stupidest human being on earth? “You sleep around with your female friends. And then you guys go back to being just friends. The only type of relationship you do is friends with benefits,” I declare as slowly as I can, throwing his own condescending tone back at him.
“You know about my past?”
“Everyone does.”
Milo stares at me for a long while, like he has no idea what to say. “Yes,” he starts apprehensively. “I did sleep with some of my female friends. Not all of them, but a few. I am not proud of it. If that makes you uncomfortable, they don’t have to be in my life anymore. I don’t want anything from them, other than a cordial friendship.”
“Why can’t you extend the same respect to me?” I say haughtily. “I would also like the courtesy of a friendship.”
“For God’s sake Raven, you are not my fuck buddy. Christ! I am not that desperate for sex. You are the one who always teases me about mygroupies,remember? If that was all I wanted, you must know I have other options.” Milo sounds incredibly frustrated.
He looks right into my eyes, piercing me with his green orbs. “Rave, I am sorry if I gave you that impression,” he says softly. “You are not my fuck buddy,” he repeats. “You are just mine. I love you. I always have. I am so in love with you that it hurts. I know that you love me too. You told me so yourself. How can you even compare what we have to those girls? Jesus! It’s like you are so emotionally damaged, sometimes I don’t even know how to reach you. I thought you understood how I felt,” he shakes his head. “I thought wrong.”
It’s my turn to gape. I am staring at Milo like he has grown three heads. I don’t have any sensible comeback to his proclamations.
Milo can’t love me. Not likethat.It’s not possible.
Suddenly, Mia's words come back to me. Milo's attraction started because he thought I was into him. If I tell him the truth, maybe his feelings will fade as well, and he will move on. We can move on from this. We have to.
"I want to be honest with you, Milo. This was all a huge misunderstanding. I am not interested in you like that. I never was."
"I don't believe that for a second," Milo says without any hesitation.
He strides towards me, reaching out for me with his hand. I stay behind the round coffee table, using the circle as leverage to run away from his grasp.
"Milo, I made a mistake." I hold up my hand, indicating him to stay away. "I… I gave you and everyone the wrong impression. Everyone thought I had a crush on you but that was not the case. I never knew other people saw it that way. And after I got back from Paris, things got out of hand. I didn't even realize what was happening. This was all a miscommunication."
Even as I say it, it sounds insane.
Echoing my sentiments, Milo bellows, "Are you fucking kidding me?" He yells so loud that it's pin-drop silence as his voice dies down in the hallway. "We have been sleeping together this entire fall. You are telling me that was all a miscommunication?"
Milo looks around manically, a tinge of desperation evaporating from him. Like he has no idea what to make of all this. He walks around the coffee table again. I immediately move in the opposite direction, deflecting any physical proximity.
"Please stop. Just let me explain."
"Okay," anger spews from Milo's eyes, as he stops pacing. He folds his arms to his chest. "Please. Go ahead, explain," Milo says sarcastically.
Ideally, he'd be sitting and calm while we talk. Unfortunately, I don't have that luxury. I have to work with what I got. And I have to do this under Milo's unnerving gaze and tense posture.
"It was hard when my parents left," I start from the beginning. "I was completely deserted, and I had no one. I never told anyone exactly how hard it was. I didn't want to be a charity case. Even Reid missed some of it, but you saw through it," my eyes flicked up to his.
Milo's eyes are unforgiving; his face is entirely void of any expression.
