Page 85 of Quarantined
So I tried. Last night, I stayed with Brandon. But my dark thoughts came back tenfold. Thoughts of her with another man. The thought of her being ripped away from me, for good. All those thoughts tore up my insides. The first time she was without me, she left for Paris and found some douchebag. The second time she was without me, I caught her kissing Asher. Those memories came back like a hurricane, and a gnawing voice inside me yelled,she is mine.I was back home before the night was over.
When Raven broke things off with me, I knew it wasn’t over. I told myself that I was giving her space. She just needed to miss me, to remember how much she appreciates me. That's why I was able to leave and stay away. I thought I was doing it to fix our relationship.
But this time, it feels different. Though I keep telling her that she wants me, I don’t have that same faith anymore. I can’t get her to admit that she loves me. Every time she says no, it’s like she is ripping my heart out. Every time it’s ripped out, I become a bigger monster.
Even as I keep telling myself that I need to let her go, I know I can’t. She deserves a happy life, away from me. But I am too selfish to let her have that, because it would mean I’d never get to have a happy life. If I don’t push her, that means it’s a life without Raven. I can’t fathom that idea. Despite my shame at my behavior, I can’t even say that I regret what I am doing.
As I said, I am not a good man.
I chant my daily mantra;I can’t do this to Raven. Even as I make my promises to stay away, I know I won't.
We just had a Thanksgiving Party tonight. Raven acted all polite and shit as she does nowadays in front of people. But willfully ignored me at all other times. I wait for everyone to fall asleep, then start towards her room. As I push the door open, I find an empty bed. Which means she is staying with Mia. Again. I shouldn’t be surprised. It’s been her number one shield against me.
But Raven underestimated my determination tonight. It’s been a couple of days since we have been together. And now I am even bigger of a madman than before. You can’t try to reason with a lunatic. You can only use logic against those who have rational senses left. If she thinks she is going to get away from me, she has another thing coming.
I confidently stroll into Mia’s room, to claim what’s mine. Raven is sleeping on her side, facing the window. She looks freshly showered and comfortably tucked into bed.
I sit on my haunches and study her. She is so beautiful when she sleeps. Raven stirs as I brush the hair back from her face. I brush my thumb on the apple of her cheek, and Raven’s eyes fly open, confused. Careful not to wake Mia, I get straight to the point.
“Come to the hallway with me. Otherwise, I will wake up Mia, and we can talk in front of her,” I whisper in her ears. Raven looks dazed and confused but stays quiet.
She doesn’t argue as she follows me out. She knows if I dared to come into Mia’s room, I am not past waking Mia up at this point. She slowly gets up from the bed, careful not to dip the mattress, so Mia doesn’t feel the sudden shift.
She turns to me as soon as we are in the hallway. “Milo? W-what the hell is going on?”
“Did you think you’d get away from me by staying in Mia’s room?” I say through clenched teeth. Raven just stares at me, still in her sleepy state. “I’d rather fuck you in my bed, but if you are going to be this difficult, I will happily fuck you in this hallway, or your bed, hell even in Mia’s bed. Choose an option.”
Raven’s eyes fly open. She is wide awake now. “Milo, everyone is here tonight. You can’t possibly be doing this right now.”
“I don’t give two shits about who is here. If you care so much, then don’t make this worse than it needs to be. Come back to my room.”
“No, Milo. Not like this. Not when everyone is here at the house.”
Grabbing her by the arms, I shock her by suddenly kissing her. Hard. She pounds my chest as I slip my tongue in. I break the kiss and yank at her hair. “In that case, I will fuck you right here.”
I can barely think clearly. I am in a fog—drowning and suffocating in it. Fuck, I want her. I want her so fucking much. I will happily fuck her in the hallway. I don’t care if we get caught.
Raven looks mortified. “Milo no, are you insane? We are not having sex while your parents are here.”
I am trying so hard to control my anger right now. How can she not want me, the same way I want her? Does she not feel this; this magnetic pull we have towards each other? I’d do anything for her. Yet, she continually rejects me.
“We are. And you get to choose where.” I haul her towards me, giving me her my most determined look.
Raven tries to struggle out of my grasp and realizes that she can’t get out of my hold. Careful to keep her voice low, Raven puts a hand on my chest. “Please, not here. Okay. Okay. You win. Let’s go to your room,” Raven says desperately. Presumably, to get out of this hallway, where we can so easily get caught.
I am quick to take advantage of the situation. “You are not going to be difficult? I don’t want to fight you every step of the way tonight. If you are going to give me a hard time, I swear I’ll bring you back here...”
“I will be good,” Raven concedes.
“And you’ll stay the night? You can go back before anyone wakes up. If you don't wanna wake up early, we can sleep in your room. And I'll wake up early to go back. Either way, we are sleeping together tonight."
Raven doesn’t respond. I can see the defiance in her eyes. She doesn’t want to risk getting caught in the morning. “I am serious about this, Raven. You care so much about what other people think. I don’t. Disappoint me tonight, and you will see how much I don’t care about what other people think. I will fuck you in front of my parents if that’s what it takes to show you. It’s your call.”
Raven blinks like she can’t believe the words coming out of my mouth. She should know by now. I am not that man she used to know.
“Let's go to your room. I promise I’ll stay. I promise I’ll do whatever you want,” she whispers, probably biting back the curse words she wants to haul at me.
I lift her in my arms before she changes her mind. I carry her to my room, locking the door behind us. I toss her on my bed, pouncing on her immediately.
