Page 78 of Quarantined
Then it hit me. Raven is freaking out because of Mia’s suspicions. I really should have shipped Mia off to boarding school when I had the chance.
Raven went on full denial mode, saying things to justify what’s been going on between us. Even denying her own proclamations of being in love with me. She doesn’t know what she wants. And like always, I know what she wants, even when she doesn’t.
I decided to give her some time to think about it, to let her stew in her own crazy mind.
It was the best decision. I was still worried about other guys with Raven. My trust issues have not completely evaporated. So I asked dad to come home for a month, to take over the household responsibilities. Between him, and the nanny, I am able to keep an eye on her even from a distance. From what I hear, she hasn’t been anywhere other than school, home and dance classes.
Not surprisingly, after I left Raven started calling me religiously and sending me a steady stream of texts. I didn’t answer any of them unless they related to my responsibilities. I am letting her miss me for a change.
Yes, not the most mature way to deal with things, but I don't know how else to make her see reason. No two people on this earth have ever had something so undeniable between them as we do.
I hope she had the time she needed to think and conclude that we belong together. She has to because I can't live like this. I have already suffered for years holding back from Raven. I can’t do it anymore. I thought last summer without her was terrible. After having her under me last summer was a child’s play in comparison.
Problem is, Raven needs more time than a normal human being to figure shit out. She never realizes what she has till she doesn’t have it anymore. I figured that by my birthday party, she would finally get all this shit sorted in her head.
In the interim, I have been bunking with Brandon. Brandon is not the kind of guy who asks a lot of questions. I have been skipping classes, drinking heavily, and drowning in my misery in his spare bedroom. Brandon didn’t even ask what's wrong. It’s exactly what I needed, because I am in my own personal hell.
I mean it. This is what I assume my hell would feel like. My mind is continuously raging, and my heart is being ripped out every minute of the day.
After what I have been going through, a party is the last thing I want. But today is the day I plan to get some answers. I need to gage Raven’s reaction and make her face our reality.
Except, Raven has gone back to her personification of an ice princess. Throughout dinner, she made a point to keep the conversation light, barely making eye contact with me or acknowledging me. It was infuriating. It took everything in me to keep calm.
And now we are back at the house for a rager I don’t want, with a bunch of people I don’t care to see. I keep scanning the party for her face. But she has made her presence scarce.
I am worried about what she might be up to. This party is wilder than our usual parties because Mia is not in the house. Thoughts of drugs and Raven with other men stir my paranoia.
Personally, I don’t understand the stupid objectives of these parties anymore: beer pong, keg stands, getting your dick wet.
Why would I shoot a ping pong ball in a cup to encourage another asshole to drink? Why would I want someone to hold me upside down to drink beer?
And I don’t need to be at a grimy party to get some half-drunk chick back to my place. Not that I have any interest in any of them. There is only one person my eyes continually search for.
I already know she ruined me for all other women. Even before Raven and I got together, fucking other women was hollow. I couldn’t even get off unless I thought of her. Empty fucks! Now that I have been inside her, other women have ceased to exist completely. There is no one else for me. I know that.
Despite that fact, the only person I am interested in is nowhere to be found, which is worrisome. The moment she walked in, half the assholes here whipped their heads in her direction. They didn’t even try to hide their leering eyes. I can only stare down so many fuckers.
If I could just hold her hand or make a public claim, I wouldn’t have these murderous urges. These assholes would automatically get the message and move on to the next unsuspecting prey.
Even if I cannot make a public claim, if I knew she was mine behind closed doors, it would give me solace. I don’t even have that assurance anymore.
How the hell did everything go so wrong?
Actually, I know how.
Something in me snapped when I saw her for the first time after she got back from Paris. I couldn’t stop myself and pounced on her. I shouldn’t have done it for several reasons. But at the very least, I should have waited till she was eighteen, finished with school, and my guardianship was over.
Raven deserves to be paraded around and spoiled. I hate hiding her, and feeling like this is a dirty secret. It’s not. If we were both of age, we would still face a lot of scrutinies, but we wouldn’t necessarily have to hide. We would have a leg to stand on against our families and society.
Which is silly. You don’t turn eighteen and magically become more mature. Raven is wise far beyond her age, painfully understanding, poised, classy. I say that despite her recent insane proclamations and wishy-washy turmoils.
Yes. She is emotionally stunted. But she can still carry herself like a princess.
Actually, she carries herself like a queen. Because that’s what she is. She is a queen, and I am nothing but her devoted servant.
Hence, I need to numb the agony inside me. I need just a little buzz, to make tonight tolerable, till I can talk to Raven and fix things between us.
Annoyed, I chuck the beer can in the trash and walk around the house. Since Mia is not here, we allowed the herd to party all over the house, except for the top most floor where we sleep. That's always off-limits.
