Page 72 of Quarantined
Her voice rises as she grits out, "You wanted him to adore you, the way your parents didn't. He can't replace your parents, even if he took over your guardianship," Mia puts out both of her hands as if striking the air around her. "He was just a boy when you moved in. A boy, only a few years older than you. A boy, who relied on you for his own peace of mind. A boy, who thought a pretty girl liked him."
Mia stands up and starts pacing. I see sweat trickling down her forehead. "No one, other than Reid, took your crush seriously or expected Milo to reciprocate those feelings. It was beyond taboo between you two. Impossible."
"Except I knew it for what it was. No one else saw it, because they didn't live with us. Even the boys misunderstood. Reid and Milo are clueless when it comes to women. And why wouldn't they be? We have an insane mother, and neither of them has ever had a girlfriend or a healthy relationship with a woman."
Mia stops pacing and looks at me. "You were grateful to have Milo in your life, grateful to him for saving you from a life of loneliness. You were starved for something Reid and I couldn't give you, but Milo could. You wanted to hear agood girl andget a pat on the back."
She shakes her head again. "The boys didn't see it that way. Reid saw it as losing you to Milo. Milo saw it as you being infatuated with him. Maybe you are. I know you like alpha older men. But I don't know how you feel about Milo. If I had to guess, I’d say that you don’t either."
I can't argue with Mia. She is right, on all accounts. I don't respond. Mia wants to have her say. I owe it to her to listen to her without interrupting.
"I don't know exactly when things turned for Milo. But I saw it," she says quietly. "His eyes would light up every time you walked into the room. He'd watch you do simple things, washing the dishes or setting the table. I knew he was attracted to you, but I assumed he'd never act on it."
This is news for me. I didn't realize Milo's attraction was long-standing. But from everything Mia is saying, it sounds like she is the only one who saw everything in this house as it was. Despite her age, she is more cognizant than the rest of us. The rest of us are emotionally stunted, constantly misreading signals, or sending out mixed ones, never having an adult guide our emotional development. Mia is an exception because she had Milo.
I can see her anger is almost gone. Her blue eyes now look sad. I patiently wait for her to continue. "Reid worried about your crush on Milo. But it was never your crush that concerned me. You are not in touch with your feelings enough for that to be a problem. You don't even believe in romantic love. It was Milo's crush that worried me. He masked it so well that no one else noticed. The only reason I noticed is because Milo raised me. I know Milo. It was clear that he wanted you. He wanted you bad. When you left last summer, he went off the deep end. I tried my best not to give him a hard time and called him every day from Grand Cayman."
As if Mia can hear my thoughts, she answers the questions already generating in my mind. "Milo might have responsibilities far beyond his age, but he is just a twenty-year-old boy. He has flaws. As I said, I don't know the depth of his feelings. I just know he wants you."
Mia looks at me as if she is trying to make up her mind about something. "I never interfered before, with all the drama in the house. I didn't think I had to. I didn't think you would reciprocate his interest. I am guessing you still haven't made up your mind about how you feel about Milo."
If Mia's anger did not keep me quiet, her eloquent words and perception would stun me into silence. I cannot believe she read the situation, and me, so correctly.
She narrows her eyes at me. I can see some of her previous anger is coming back. "You can date anyone in the world. Why Milo? That is the only person Reid doesn't want to share you with. Not to mention how much it would hurt both of our families. Everyone will gossip. He is your guardian, for fuck's sake. He is your parent on paper. This will tear our lives apart if it gets out. If you guys are not in love or even serious enough to be having sex, then why the hell is all of this worth it?"
Now that Mia expects an answer, I am quiet. I have no answer for her. She is right. This is not worth turning our lives upside down for.
"It's not," I say quietly.
I take a deep breath in as I prepare the speech I am about to give. I hate this next part. I have to lie to her again. I can't acknowledge the extent of our taboo relationship.
"You are right that all three of us are clueless about healthy relationships. But you are wrong about Milo and I. Milo did have an attraction towards me. But it dissipated over the summer. We had some misunderstandings before I left for Paris. I am not going to bore you with the details. We had some intense conversations after I returned, on how to move forward, on how to rebuild trust. That's why I have been going to his room. We wanted to speak to each other while no one was around. That's why he has been closing the door. In the end, we both know we are good friends, and it was all a misunderstanding."
Mia's eyes soften, only a bit. I can still see that her guard is still up. "Are you sure that's all it is?"
"Positive," I say without hesitation. "This is all a misunderstanding—displaced feelings. You know how I calm Milo down when he gets anxiety. He just misunderstood that as an attraction. He got confused. As you said, Milo is allowed to make mistakes too." I never knew I was such a good liar. I should give myself the biggest liar award.
"So, you guys are not together?"
"Milo and I are definitely not together. You have to believe that."
Though I am lying through my teeth, I'll turn my lies into truths. I will end it the moment Milo is back. This relationship has run its course for me. I have a feeling that's not the case for Milo. He seems insatiable, rougher, hungrier each time we are together.
Nonetheless, I am hell bound on convincing Mia that this is over. I use my hands animatedly to get my point across. I find hand gestures to be a useful tool during arguments. "And come on, we all know Milo only does friends with benefits. That's the only relationship he knows how to be in. That's so not my style."
"I want to believe you, but this morning…"
"I fell asleep in Milo's bed. I know it's inappropriate. But you have to know it's innocent. We all used to fall asleep in his bed when we were younger. Now that we are older, it's hard to remember that it's not cool."
She looks unsurely at my profile, so I continue. "Do you feel any weirdness or tension when you see Alexa?"
"No, but…"
"Milo and I didn't even do anything. He had a stupid attraction and we talked it out. Alexa and he used to sleep together and there is literally zero weirdness between them. Which means there isn't anything to worry about. I swear Milo doesn't feel that way about me anymore. And I was never interested in Milo to begin with. I wouldn't do that to Reid." The last sentence takes all of my soul to spit out. I am a horrible, despicable human being.
"Okay, if you say so," Mia says, uncertainly.
"Mia, I am a mess. All of us are fuck-ups, except you. I am sorry I slept in Milo's room and crossed boundaries. I am sorry that I pissed Reid off by choosing Milo over him. But I can't lose you over this. Please don't be mad at me."
