Page 66 of Quarantined
“Hey, Rave,” one of the twins say in a singsong voice.
“Umm… hey guys. Wow, what a coincidence.”
“Raven, darling,” says a middle-aged lady, who I presume is the twins’ mother. I think I recognize her from a PTA meeting.
“Hi, Mrs. Alpert,” Raven gets up to give her a kiss on the cheek. “This is Mrs. Alpert,” Raven turns to face me and motions to the woman. “And this is my— this is Milo. He is..." Raven stammers to find an appropriate title for me. "He is Reid’s brother.”
Jesus, that’s what I have been reduced to. I stand up to shake hands with both the mom and dad.
“Yes, I remember meeting you,” the dad gives me a once over.
“That’s right. I saw you at one of the PTA meetings, and I think we chaperoned a school dance together.”
I can’t place them, to be honest. But Wellington has a strict rule about parents and guardians being involved. All parents must chaperone twice a year and attend at least four PTA meetings. It’s a safe bet that I have met them at one of those.
“Maybe,” Mr. Alpert scrunches his face in concentration. “But I actually know your family as well as the Becketts. John and I did our residencies together.”
This is news to me. “You did? You know Uncle John and my dad?”
“Yes. When John moved here, he knew that my girls went to Wellington. Before Raven started school, he gave me a call so the girls could look out for her. That’s how they became friends.” He looks from his daughters to Raven for confirmation. All of them nod in agreement.
“Mr. Alpert and Uncle Reese worked together when they both first moved to New York. Small world,” Raven chimes in.
“That’s right,” Mr. Alpert smiles kindly, before turning to me. “You know, before John left for Doctors Without Borders, he told me that the only reason he accepted the position is because you agreed to take care of Raven. And later he told me that you became Raven’s legal guardian. That’s such a wonderful thing you did young man, especially while you are going to school. Raising teenagers and going to Columbia full time is no easy task. I couldn’t have done it.”
Raven turns beet red at the reminder. I can barely mutter a thank you. We have been reminded about our reality, and I can already feel the wheels turning in Raven’s head.
This is how the world sees us. Me raising her, as if she was my kid. If I threw my arm around her now or kissed her, all those praises would turn into disdain. Disdain over taking advantage of the daughter Uncle John trusted me with.
Luckily, the hostess comes over to show the Alperts to their table. Raven keeps glancing at the Alperts’ table, barely saying a word to me.
“Should I get the check?” I ask. I can feel my own self-loathing return. Even as it does, I know it doesn’t change anything for me. I eye her apprehensively, needing something, anything from her, to confirm that’s the same for her.
“Yea,” is all Raven manages to say with her small voice.
After grabbing the check, we quietly stroll home. I nix the plan for fro-yo. She is not in the mood. I can feel Raven’s over analyzation resonating from her. I refuse to give her space right now and pull away.
Opening the door to the house, I let Raven in first. Before she can bolt up, I grab her elbow and whisper, “I am going to check on Mia. Come to my room after you change”.
Raven freezes. I am almost scared that she is going to say no. She finally gives me a nod, without looking in my direction, before heading to her room to change.
Lesson learned. If she is going to shut down every time we face our reality, then I will ensure we don’t face our reality anytime soon. If she is only compliant inside home perimeters, that’s where we will stay.
I am ashamed to admit it, but I will let her live in denial if that’s what it takes to keep her. From now on, we don’t have to talk about us. We don’t have to talk about anything. I can still show her how much I care and have faith that things will change down the road.
This is torture for me, but I can wait till she is ready to acknowledge what's going on between us. I can take anything as long as I can touch her, feel her, smell her, hold her, be inside her. I need her like I need air. I can't risk losing her.
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Raven
I run to my room and close the door. I immediately open up my laptop and Skype. I need to talk to someone. Preferably an adult, not immature teenagers.
I am so confused about the choices I am making. The physical aspect with Milo might be great, but everything else feels so wrong. I am tired of feeling like an indecisive mess.
Sex might provide me with temporary oblivion regarding my parents. The shame and self-loathing that come afterward do not. I try to compartmentalize as much as I can. But I can feel my walls crumbling. The ones that separate my thoughts into different boxes in my brain.
Milo and I went to dinner at Sorento’s last weekend. We couldn’t even grab a simple dinner in public, without a rude awakening of our reality. We ran into some school friends, along with their parents. Of course they knew of our situation and praised Milo for “raising me.” I felt mortified by Mr. Alpert’s words.
