Page 34 of Quarantined
“If you didn’t feel the attraction,” Reid does air quotes, “then why did you go out with him?”
Now I am quiet. I haven’t gone into depth with Reid about my issues.
The venue is a fifteen to twenty-minute walk from our hotel. Since we have some time to kill, might as well utilize it wisely.
“Remember the talk you had with me the night of our seventeenth birthday party?” We exit the lobby and step onto the sidewalk. “You told me I was acting like a love-crazed teenager around Milo. I was mortified to hear it. I didn’t realize how my behavior was coming off to others.”
Reid cranes his neck to look at me, “I didn’t exactly use the words love crazed teenager.”
I nod. “Either way, I do have this constant need for attention from authoritative figures. I am always the teacher’s pet. I am the chaperone’s favorite during field trips. Dance coaches always choose me to be their assistant. For fuck’s sake, my mom basically abandoned me. And look at me now, doing everything I can to make her happy.”
I am suddenly filled with self-loathing. “I was doing the same thing with Milo. He took over the parental role, and immediately I had this sick craving to make him love me. I am a teenager. I should be ignoring family to chase boys, get drunk, and go to parties.”
I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose. “Instead, I am stuck in this vortex of pleasing one authority figure to the next. Constantly craving approval. I am consumed by it.”
I wave both my hands in front of me as if trying to paint a picture. “I just want to take my need for love and refocus it in a different direction. If I date, I can at least try to meet someone whose love and attention is enough for me. And I won’t have to humiliate myself in front of parental figures, begging them to love me.” I try to say my closing statement without bitterness, but I fail.
Reid’s face is still tilted towards me as he watches me. I stare straight ahead, too embarrassed from my confessions to meet his eyes.
“Rave, you don’t need to refocus your energy with such extreme measures,” he says tentatively. “I didn’t understand then why you craved Milo’s attention so much. I understand it now.”
Reid clasps his hands together. “We both have shit parents. At least I always had Milo. You had no one. Unlike our shit parents, Milo actually returns our affections. I don’t think you have to beg him to love you. He does that willingly, just like he does with Mia and me.”
Reid rubs the back of his head with his hand. This is one of his ticks when he is feeling guilty or nervous. “I was a jealous asshole. I didn’t want to lose my best friend’s attention to my brother. I didn’t think that would push you into dating men you are not interested in. I am a selfish piece of shit.”
“Reid, no. That’s not it at all. There was truth to what you said.”
“Even so, I made it sound worse than it was. Milo loves you. And I get why you need his approval and crave a special bond with him. I am sorry. I won’t stand in the way of that again.”
Reid pulls me in for a one-handed hug and kisses my temple.
I reflect on Reid’s words. Even with his “approval” of me seeking out Milo, I am not convinced.
It’s comforting to hear that Milo loves me and willingly returns my affections. Reid’s words make me think that I overreacted by distancing myself from Milo.
But he is not aware of what happened on the night of the party. I told Milo that I love him. My actions made him uncomfortable enough to send me all the way to Paris for the summer. Which means my behavior needed to change.
Over the summer, I’ve worked on my interaction with Milo, putting some distance between us. I plan to keep this up when I return.
As we reach the fashion show, I am adamant on my resolve, despite Reid’s blessing.
We check-in at the main entrance and enter the large ballroom. The fashion show is in full swing. Every chair is filled, the music is blaring, and the champagne is flowing. Mom is backstage, putting finishing touches on the models.
Reid and I have front row seats. We are already three glasses of champagne in when the lights turn down, and the show begins. I am so nervous.
Reid puts a hand on my knees. “Easy! I can feel you vibrating. It’s going to be great.”
I try to calm down.It’s going to be great, I mentally chant.
And it is. Model after model strut down flawlessly. The outfits look amazing. My nerves are now calm. I sit back and enjoy all of our hard work come to fruition.
Towards the end of the show, one of the outfits catches my eye. I didn’t see it on the list, and something about it looks oddly familiar. As the model gets close, I realize why.
My mouth drops.
Before I can decipher more, the model has retreated backstage.
Right after, my mom walks out with all the models in tow behind her. We all stand up to clap and cheer the successful show. This is a huge moment for her.
