Page 19 of Quarantined
Reid continues in his sad voice, “You look at him like he is your whole world. Like he is God. I have felt jealous for years. I still do. I didn’t say anything. Instead, I just lashed out.”
Reid shifts. “Before it was always you and I against the world. We looked out for each other. You looked at me like I was your world. And now… now you only look at Milo that way.”
Okay… I guess I can see that. Fair enough. I silently communicate;Go on.
“Recently, you guys have been so in sync. Like you have an unspoken understanding. It sucks.”
Reid closes his eyes and leans his head back. “Dude, I get it. Everyone loves Milo for taking care of us. I can be angry at him, but even I worship him. He did everything for me. Still does.”
I don’t make a peep. I want to hear all of it.
“But it’s not my fucking fault that my parents forced Milo into the position of a caretaker,” Reid says, with his eyes down and hands wrapped on his lap. “I wasn’t presented with the opportunity to act as your guardian. So I never had the chance to prove myself. It doesn’t mean I am not capable of it. If I had the chance, I could also prove that I can take care of you. You are my best friend. I will always take care of you.”
This is true. Before I moved into the Sinclair home, Reid often forced me to stay over. He would invite me to every family outing because he knew my situation at home.
Our first year in New York, Dad was very forgetful. He’d forget to give me lunch money. If I stayed at their house, Milo would pack me lunch. Otherwise, Reid would buy me lunch. A tray full of food would be waiting for me at my cafeteria table, leaving no room for my reluctance. I know he would do anything for me, just like I would for him.
Have I really been this obsessed with my admiration of Milo to take my best friend’s feelings for granted? Does Reid not know that I also think the world of him?
“You have this weird fixation with parental figures. That’s something I can never be for you. I would if I could. It just sucks to lose your attention, for something I have no control over.”
Reid is articulating this conversation really well. His thoughts are concise and well put together. This spiel is rehearsed. He wasn’t lying. He has been meaning to talk to me for a while. And I think the liquid courage gave him the push he needed.
“Reid… ”
“Let me finish. It might be the tequila talking, but I wanna get it out. You look at Milo with this admiration and respect, just like everyone else. You do everything you can to make him notice you, to make him say that he is proud of you.”
“Anytime something big happens, you call him instead of me,” Reid clears his throat. This is really hard for him. “I hate him for taking you away from me. And I don’t want to hate Milo.”
Reid’s body gives a shake, almost a shudder. I feel like he is gearing up to say something worse. I brace myself.
“To me, these feelings of admiration seem more than platonic. It feels like you are infatuated with him. Anyone observing would likely draw the same conclusion. It’s like you're in love with him. I can’t stomach it.”
And there it is. The heinous thought. I am almost speechless. Almost. “That’s ridiculous! I can’t believe you’d suggest that.” I refuse to let this insinuation pass. “Milo is my legal guardian. He is like a brother to me.”
“And what about me? Am I like a brother to you?”
“Yes!”
Silence.
“I am your Best. Fucking. Friend.” He enunciates each word as if that emphasizes the meaning. “Look, Rave, I hate to pull this card, but you were my friend first. I have been irritated about this for years now. I didn’t know how to address it. I am addressing it now, for my sanity.”
We are both quiet at that proclamation.
“Ever since we were kids, I only had you,” Reid continues. “I can’t talk to any of my other friends. Nor can I talk to my “groupies,” as you call them, about all the shit at home. If I lose you, I won’t have anyone to go to. And every time I see you with Milo, I feel like I am losing you. The whole world loves Milo. Everyone looks at me like the fuck up. I can’t also be the second-best in your eyes. I only ever had your admiration, and he wants to take that away from me as well. I don’t want to hate him, but this jealousy is destroying my relationship with Milo. And it’s fucking with our friendship. I am not asking for much, just put some distance between you two. I am sorry if that’s unfair. But I can’t share you with him. I just can’t. Truth is, I need you more than he needs you.”
I stay quiet. My mind is reeling. Reid doesn’t rush a response out of me. He knows that sometimes I need some time to process thoughts and emotions. I like to analyze and reflect on spoken words before responding.
“You are right. You are absolutely right.” I break the silence with the truth. “I am sorry. I have been a shit friend.”
Reid is right on all accounts. Why didn’t I see this before? Reid has been angry for a while now. It's been getting worse every year, and it’s my fault.
I didn’t understand why Reid was so angry at Milo. Now it all makes sense. I love being Reid’s favorite person in the world. In return, I made Reid feel that Milo is my favorite person in the world.
In my desperation for love from a “father figure,” I left Reid out to dry.
And I ruined their relationship. This insatiable need to please an authoritative figure has taken a sick form inside of me. What is wrong with me?
