Page 51 of Better Daddy
Before he can finish the sentence, T.J. is asking for change so he can play Pac-Man.
So much for his dire need to know our secret.
We let him go, figuring it’s best if he works off some of the energy before we force him to sit and talk. At least he’ll have ice cream to entertain him when he comes back.
“So what are we telling him?” I ask once the server has dropped off his ice cream.
Sully shrugs. “That he’s going to be a big brother?”
I nod, though suddenly I’m not sure that’s the angle I want to go with. But what’s the alternative? “Good, good. That’s exactly how we should present it. Good idea.”
Brows lowering, Sully assesses me for a second. Then, with a shake of his head, he calls T.J. over.
He’s right. It’s important for us to focus on our son and his role as a big brother. That will make it easier to steer clear of questions about our family dynamic. A week ago, I would have been dead set onsticking to that. Now, though, the idea leaves me feeling a little crushed.
Maybe because I’ve gotten so used to being in the apartment with the little family that Sully, Cal, and Brian have created because of Terry’s trust. It’s nice having people around. It leaves little time for me to feel lonely.
What’ll happen when it’s time to leave?
My stomach twists painfully at the thought.
Will Sully and I share custody? Two apartments. Mine unbearably quiet on the nights Sully has the kids. And spending days away from an infant? I don’t know that I can handle it, yet it would be unfair to keep Sully from his child.
Shaking free of my spiraling thoughts, I force myself to focus on the matter at hand.
“We have some exciting news,” Sully starts as T.J. shovels ice cream into his mouth.
“Yes, you’re going to be a big brother. Isn’t that exciting?” I ask with a smile.
T.J. freezes with another spoonful of ice cream in the air, his eyes locked on me, his expression flat. “You’re having a baby?”
Dread washes over me like a wave. Shoot. I hadn’t considered that he might not want to be a big brother. What if he freaks out? Maybe we shouldn’t have done this in such a public place. It wouldn’t be out of the realm of possibility for him to toss his ice cream across the table.
“Yes,” Sully chimes in. “Your mother is having a baby, which means you get to be a big brother. Isn’t that exciting?”
“Where will the baby live?” T.J. asks, still pensive. The question is almost accusing. Far too knowing.
And dammit, my stomach is in knots.
“With us,” Sully responds easily.
T.J.’s whole body relaxes and he breaks into a smile. “Cool.” With that, he shoves another bite of ice cream into his mouth.
It occurs to me then that our son is far more in tune with what’s going on than I realized.
And it kills me that he even has to be concerned about it. I may be questioning what will happen in the future, but I never want my son to have to worry about that. I hate that it’s even a thought. More than anything, I want this time to be joyful for him.
“Is it a boy?” T.J. asks.
“We don’t know, bud. We thought we’d wait to find out with you at Mum’s next doctor’s appointment.”
With another nod, he stabs his spoon into the bowl in front of him. As usual, he’s determined to eat quickly so he can play again.
“If it is a boy, he’ll be your little brother, just like Cal is my little brother,” Sully says with a grin.
“Can I go play again?” he asks, holding up his empty bowl.
We nod, and he’s gone.
