While I appreciate the sentiment behind her rah-rah-ree speech, she’s now given everyone the impression that I used an anonymous donor.
This is a clusterfuck of epic proportions.
I open my mouth to set the record straight, but all of a sudden, everyone is on their feet, taking turns hugging me and whispering supportive words in my ear as happy tears begin to flow from my eyes.
Pops presses a paper napkin into my hand and kisses my forehead. “Another baby in the family. I’m so happy, sweetheart.”
“I… thank you,” I say, dabbing at my eyes before taking my seat.
Okay, maybe this way wouldn’t be so bad. I could let this little misconception ride until I can talk to Reno. If he wants to have a private conversation with Bubba before we explain the misunderstanding, since they’re such good friends, that will be fine. It will all be fine.
Everyone sits back down, and Dad motions for the server to bring a towel for the spilled drink. Holly bumps me with her shoulder. “I’m so excited we’ll have kids about the same age. They’ll be cousins and best friends.”
“Or they’ll fight like cats and dogs like Xander and Jordie did when they were little,” Pops says with a chuckle.
As if to prove his point, Xander pulls Jordie’s blonde ponytail, and she punches him in the arm.
Meanwhile, Holly has both her index fingers in the air and is doing a wiggle dance while singing, “Preggy, preggy, preggy. Juliette is preggy.”
Aiden points at me and yells, “Peggy!”
I scowl at Holly. “Thanks a lot. Now my nephew thinks my name is Peggy.”
She laughs and kisses my cheek while everyone resumes eating. “How did you do the procedure? At the clinic or did you do it at home?”
I bite my lip to restrain the giggle about to escape. “The procedure? I, uh, did it at home.” Many,manytimes.
“You should have told me so I could help you. I took animal husbandry classes in college.”
The bite of pizza I’d just taken falls out of my mouth and into my lap. “Help me?” My voice is higher than that last key on a piano.
“You know.” She mimes sticking an object into an… orifice. “Help you get the baby juice where it needs to go.”
Bubba stares at his wife in disbelief while Dad glugs down the rest of his beer in one go. I’m speechless, but unfortunately, Holly is not.
“I inseminated a beaver once,” she says conversationally. “Used a tiny little thing similar to a turkey baster.” She pretends to pinch a small dropper, and poor Pops goes into a coughing fit. Jordie pounds him on the back, her eyes almost bulging from their sockets.
Bubba lowers Holly’s still pinching fingers to the table. “Honey, thank you for sharing thatwith the entire family,” he says pointedly, but she doesn’t get the hint.
“Of course, I would have used a large one for Jules since her—”
“Holly!” I snap before we get into a whole conversation about my apparently super-sized vagina, and she shrugs.
“Whaaat? It’s science.”
Swear to god, this entire dinner is trying to kill me.
“Welp,” I call out, marching into Reno’s apartment and dropping my purse on the table. “The cat’s out of the bag. One of them anyway. I feel like we have an entire litter of cats in our secret bag.”
Reno is on the couch, looking at his phone, and he doesn’t seem to have heard me because he replies with, “Babe, do you think the babies need watches?”
Oh for the love of…
“What are you talking about, Reno?”
“I was just reading where this guy had a kid-sized Rolex commissioned for his daughter. You think they can do that for babies too?” He looks up questioningly at me, holding up his phone, which shows a small platinum watch with diamonds around the face. His smile is boyish and sweet, andwhy the hell is he so damn adorable?
“No, honey. The babies do not need watches,” I say, trying to garner some patience at his ridiculousness. “Number one, it would be a choking hazard. And number two...Babies. Can’t. Tell. Time.”
