“That sounds amazing. I’ll think about it.”
“We also offer couple and group massages if you find someone you’d like to spend time with while you’re here.”
Group massages? Who would want a bunch of other people there during relaxation time?I inwardly chuckle. Probably those crazy unicorn ladies. They seem like they could turn anything into a party.
Kat slides a yellow folder across the teakwood, pulls out a map, and points with a red pen. “This is where we are now, and this is your cottage. You’ll just follow the path to the left when you leave the lodge. Would you like someone to escort you?”
I take a sip of my drink. It’s fruity without being overly sweet, and I’m pretty sure I taste a hint of prosecco on my tongue. “I think I can find it.”
“Wonderful. Our grounds are large, so if you get lost during your stay, or if you feel uncomfortable walking alone at any time, call the front desk. There are signs along all pathways with a location code. You just give that to them, and security will come and escort you within a couple minutes.”
My shoulders sink in relaxation, probably both from the drink and the sense of security I feel at her words. After what happened with my friend Evie all those years ago, I can’t deny I had a hint of trepidation about coming to a tropical location.
“That sounds great. Thank you, Kat.”
“My pleasure. I’m the manager here, so please let me know if there’s anything you need.” She points with her pen toward the back door ofthe lodge. “You mentioned the pool earlier. We actually have two. The main pool is just through that door, and swimwear is required there.”
“Okay,” I say becauseduh. Swimsuits are required at the swimming pool. I’m not going to wear a ballgown, lady.
Then Kat circles something on the map. “The other pool is located here and is clothing optional. As is this section of the beach.” She draws a square on the paper near what is obviously the ocean.
Clothing. Optional. As in, you don’t have to wear clothes?
A giggle escapes me, and I try my damnedest to make it sound cool and nonchalant, but I fail miserably. I sound like Woody Woodpecker.
“Great. Heh heh heh heh. Super. I’ll just… you know… run over there without… clothes.” I wave a hand. “No biggie.”
Amusement tips Kat’s lips up on one side. “Robes are provided in each cottage for your modesty while walking to the pool and beach.”
“Right, right, of course.” I do that weird-ass laugh again. “Heh heh heh heh. I’ll wear the robe and then just…” I mime flapping open the edges of an imaginary robe. “Patow! Naked Juli is here!” That came out way louder than I meant for it to.
Oh god, help me to shut up now.
But alas, I don’t. I continue, leaning forward with wide eyes. “I’m assuming there’s sand at the, um,clothing-optionalbeach?”
She clears her throat, and I’m pretty sure she’s trying not to burst into laughter. Or slap me upside my crazy head. “Indeed. Our beaches are full of beautiful white sand.”
“Wow. Okay. Sand with all those… crevices… and sensitive regions.” This doesn’t sound pleasant at all, and my mind fills with all the complications. “Is there some kind of special ointment one could use for coochie chafing and ass rashes? And I imagine the men would need SPF one-thousand on their penises. Oh! And what if you’re just lying on the beach relaxing, and a sand crab tries to crawl inside your…”
Kat, the dear, dear woman, handles my bizarre rant with the utmost professionalism when she interrupts. “Perhaps it would be best tostick to these areas at first,” she says, putting giant stars on the map to highlight the non-nudey swimming areas of the resort.
I slam back the rest of my slushy drink, giving myself a brain freeze in the process. With a wince, I bob my head up and down. “Right. Definitely. I’m just gonna…” I pick up the map, stuff it into the folder, and twirl it wildly around the room. “Gonna head to my room and unpack. Because I brought clothes. To wear.”
I take off at a rapid clip, halting when Kat calls, “Ms. McNamara, you’re going the wrong way.”
“Right. Yep.” I pop the P and do an about face, shooting finger guns at the double front doors. “This way. Bingo-bango.”
Well. That wasn’t awkward in the slightest.
By the time the sun is settling into the horizon, so is my mortification. But only slightly.
Bingo-bango? Coochie chafing? Really, Juliette?I shake my head at the memory as I tuck the rest of my clothing into the drawers of the ash dresser. I’ll just have to take measures to avoid that Kat woman at all costs while I’m here. I imagine myself rolling across the lobby floor and hiding behind furniture and plants with theMission: Impossibletheme song in the background.
Dun dun dun-dun, dun dun dun-dun. Doo doo dooooo.
Grinning, I pull my phone from the pocket of my floral maxi-dress when it rings.
“Hi, Daddy.”
