“I think you should.”
“What the hell, Bryce?” My eyes stung. It felt like rejection, like suddenly I wasn’t good enough all over again. Not even good enough to be someone’s enemy.
“You can’t keep pretending you’re happy with all this.” He gestured around him vaguely. “Move on. Get out of this damn town. There’s nothing holding you back, but you’d rather float through life because anything else is too hard.”
My throat tightened. Bryce had never expected anything from me before, except that I would continue trying to make his life worse the same way he did for me. He was the one person who I’d thought wouldn’t ask me to be something I wasn’t, and here he was telling me I should change. I liked this life. What was wrong with choosing the easy road?
“Iamhappy,” I said firmly.
“Oh, really?” He crossed his arms. “You genuinely enjoy pushing everything and everyone away?”
Oof. That one stung. I might be content with most aspects of my new life, but deep down, part of me still wanted to be loved and appreciated.
Maybe I had been pretending a little. I’d told myself I was displaying the real me, but what if what I showed Bryce was just another mask—one that hadn’t fooled him for a second?
Despite my thinking I’d shredded all my capes, maybe I was still hugging one around me—an ugly, unsightly thing nobody could like. Because it was easier to be despised by making myselfdespicable than it was to be despised because, underneath all the layers, I truly was as unlovable as I’d feared.
But maybe I needed this cape. It ensured that, if anyone did manage to care for me like this, at my worst, their love was surely true.
“This could be a fresh start,” Bryce was saying, his tone a nauseating, pitying thing that sounded like the faux empathy from my family, right before they realized I wasn’t just going through a postbreakup phase. “Find a new neighbor you actually like and let them like you back. Don’t let the fear of failure hold you back from wanting more.”
I bristled. Bryce, scared-of-everything Bryce, was accusingmeof being afraid? I didn’t want more for my life; I wanted less. That was the whole point thatnoone, not even him apparently, could understand. He was just like Will.
A strand of Christmas lights took the tense moment as the prime opportunity to slide off the roof. One end looped round and round at our feet, while the rest of the strand trailed behind, bulbs skittering merrily over the shingles. When the tail end finally popped over the gutter and plopped on top of the pile of wires, I looked up at Bryce.
“Maybe I do float through life,” I said dully, turning to go. “But maybe everyone could afford to float a little instead of sprinting toward death. What about you, Bryce? If I should stop being happy with nothing, maybe you should start being happy withsomething.”
I left then, ducking into the house to grab my puke-green work vest and car keys. My shift started in approximately thirty seconds, but I always arrived ten minutes late to maintain my reputation and stop myself from falling into my old overachiever habits—habits that might tempt me into taking Bryce’s advice and skipping across the country in search ofmorewhen I had everything I needed right here.
By the time I went back outside, Bryce was gone. Out of spite, I plugged the Christmas lights back in before hopping in my car. If I pretended today was just another day, maybe I could pretend the only unconditional relationship I’d ever had wasn’t crumbling.
When I got to work, I did a little grocery shopping on the clock. The home improvement retail store also sold home goods, which was great because I could get everything I needed—home improvement supplies, groceries, and clothing—all at once and get paid doing it.
Slipping from aisle to aisle, I filled my grocery bags. With my vest on, to an outsider, it looked like I was hard at work. To management, it absolutely looked like I was slacking off, but they hadn’t said anything yet. Probably because management Did Not Care almost as much as I Did Not Care.
I picked up some bread, jelly, peanut butter, pizza rolls, and a giant box of condoms, because I had a feeling I’d be looking for a distraction on Tinder later to avoid my feelings.
After I paid for my groceries, it had been a whole hour, and I deserved a rest. And, okay, I knew I wasn’t going to be winning any employee-of-the-month awards for neglecting my job so spectacularly, but frankly I was even less in the mood to care than usual. I took a pit stop at the break room to nuke my pizza rolls, then I went to my favorite hiding place in the store. Maybe even the world.
The lighting department.
Hundreds of lights shone overhead and all around, from glittering chandeliers to lantern-shaped outdoor lights. Warm, glowing, magical. It made me feel surreal, like a sliver of magic existed in the real world.
My grown-up daydreams about magic were different from the ones I’d had as a child. All I wanted was a tiny alternate reality where I could simplybe, somewhere I didn’t have to repopulate, run, or save the world to have value. A place like that truly would be magical.
Is Brycereallyjust like Will?a little voice in the back of my head asked. Will had pressured me to return to the life he liked me in, with his love as the reward for my compliance. All Bryce had encouraged me to do was find happiness and consider letting someone in.
And move to California for some reason, a second, more spiteful voice in my head reminded me. Probably because he figured I’d need to change my whole life to become acceptable enough for someone to evenwantto be let into my heart. Just. Like. Will.
After that fun mental pit stop to refuel my wrath, I made my way to the center of the aisle, wheretheclothing rack stood proudly. It was one of those circular clothing racks, the ones kids hide in the center of when their moms take too long shopping. No matter how many times other employees dragged it back to its own department, I always dragged it back here.
I parted the heavy coats and ducked inside. The coats hung to the floor, creating a sort of tent with an open roof. Overhead, the lights sparkled like stars. Settling in, I rested my back against the metal post in the center, ate a few pizza rolls, and let my eyes shut.
Screw Bryce. He didn’t know me at all. How dare he assume I’d never tried to make something out of myself?
It wasn’t my fault I wasn’t destined to be a hero.
As I floated awake, I became aware that the lighting department, usually hot and stuffy, was cool and crisp. I squinted my eyes open. The lights overhead were as pretty as ever.
