“It’s not that,” I said quickly, shaking my head, even though a nauseating feeling in my gut told me he might be right. “This has to be about something else.”
“How do you know?”
“Because love isn’t real! How can it fix anything? It’s not some magical, selfless thing. All you have to do is watch a reality dating show to know that. It’s all about: What can this person do forme? And: How does this person makemefeel? Love is just taking and giving, taking and giving, swapping tiny pieces of yourselves back and forth until you both end up more broken than when you began.”
Ever since I stopped changing myself in order to make other people more comfortable, I started keeping all the pieces of me for myself instead of using them to buy the affection of others, which meant I’d been alone. Whole, but alone. The glue was still drying on the messy pieces of my soul, feebly holding them together. I couldn’t fall in love because I would fall apart.
“You don’t believe in love?” Bryce asked, as though I’d just revealed I was a flat Earther.
“You do?”
“Yeah. I believe it’s terrifying.”
“You believe everything is terrifying,” I reminded him, not unkindly.
“I believe it’s smarter to run from monsters than close youreyes and pretend they don’t exist.” Bryce leaned over and handed me the cherry blossom. “Unless that monster is only pretending to be a tough guy while she secretly mopes around believing no one cares about her. Then, I can’t seem to resist poking her big soft heart with a stick, even if I am pretty sure she’ll eat me for it.”
Rolling my eyes, I picked at the petals of the blossom, trying not to like how nice his gesture made me feel. How seen he made me feel with his gentle teasing and his stupid kind eyes and hismaking me feel desirable and sweet and not like a deplorable burden to society.
I plucked the last of the petals from the flower.He hates me. He hates me. He hates me.And now I was the one who was terrified—too scared to giveHe hates me nota chance.
CHAPTER 25INWHICHCOURTNEYSTEALSAPIZZAMYHEART
BRYCE
I’d been hurled into a fantasy world, was almost punched by a stocky barman, and knew some Evil One was lurking, but the scariest thing yet was participating in a semi–emotionally deep conversation with Courtney.
She didn’t believe in love, and suddenly, I was consumed with the desire to change her mind, even though I knew happy endings and love didn’t go hand in hand. Maybe it was the argumentative nature of our relationship; if she said something, I instinctually wanted to prove her wrong, no matter what that thing was.
Or maybe I wanted her to believe for the same reason parents lie to their children and tell them Santa is real; experiencing the magic was worth the letdown.
Except I’d never believed happiness was worth the letdown, so it was troubling that I wanted to convince Courtney it was.
I clenched my fingers around the pebble in my pocket. Something about the rock grounded me. It warmed until I could imagine the heat of Courtney’s hand against mine when she’d pressed the stone into my palm.
We reached the burial ground by late afternoon. It was just abig, empty field surrounded by trees and lit by golden-hour sunlight. It looked like the default background on a new laptop, all big blue skies, swaying grass, and wildflowers. The only reason we knew we were in the right place was because there was a stone marker that said: Burial Ground.
I scanned the grass and darkening sky. No dragon, though massive claw prints marred the earth, dirt staining the grass. “So, we just… wait and see if it shows up?” I asked.
“Weren’t you listening to Amy’s dragon-fighting lecture?” Courtney asked, eyes dancing. “We must search. Not, like, for the dragon, but forourselves, andeach other.”
I chuckled. “And don’t forget, we have to feeeeel.”
The jovial mood disintegrated at the mention of feelings.
“I’m gonna just”—I jerked a finger over my shoulder—“do stuff… over there.”
“Absolutely,” she said. “And I’m going to”—she pointed in the opposite direction—“do things over here.”
“Good.” I smiled in what I hoped was a warm, unconcerned way.
“Fantastic!” She gave me a slightly unhinged thumbs-up before spinning on her heel and practically skipping away, going so far as to whistle as though she hadn’t felt the same tension in the air that I had.
Hours passed. It was nearing evening now, and if we didn’t find the dragon soon, we’d never make it back in time for the tournament in the morning.
We spent the time wandering the field, avoiding each other, and fiddling with our many weapons, hoping to spontaneously develop mind-blowing fighting skills. The only thing I spontaneously developed was mind-blowing shoulder pain after hyperextending my arm trying to throw a dagger.
A little way away, Courtney drew her bow from her back andnotched an arrow. She pulled the string and went to let the arrow fly, but her fingers slipped. The string slapped against her arm, and the arrow fell pitifully to the ground.
