Page 42 of On The Edge
I think back to just before we left. I remember the whispering, but I don’t remember ever hearing more than the odd comment about Melody. We always made sure people knew that if they messed with her, we’d fuck them up. Any guy whohad the nerve to say any shit about her or talk crudely about her, we took them out back behind the building, made sure they left with a black eye and an understanding.
No one said anythingtous.
“No… we–I–didn’t know.” I scrub my hand over my face. I can’t believe she went through all that.
She tilts her head in question. “Why do you think I used to skip class?” I get it; I should’ve known. I don’t know how I didn’t. Was I that unobservant to everything except her?
“I don’t… I don’t know.”
“Well, high school fucking sucked for me. The only bright spot was you guys. Then you left me alone. You can imagine the fucking harassment that happened when you guys weren’t there to keep the bullies back.” Melody shakes her head and rolls her eyes before dropping her sandwich on the paper plate.
I do the same because all this… it makes me sick to my stomach.
“What happened?” I ask. I have to know. Ineedto know what I did to her all because I didn’t ask back then.I need to know.
“You don’t want to know,” she insists while looking down at the table, running her finger over where I carved her name in the wood.
My hand curls into a fist on the table, my nails digging into my palm to keep myself grounded. I don’t want to snap, I don’t want to get angry, but I know myself enough to know that when I get frustrated like this, frustratedatmyself, I have a tendency to lose it.
I take a deep breath and try again.
“Melody,” I say gently to show how sincere I am. “I really want to know what happened after we left. I… I know you don’t want to relive it, but I think that telling me, even if it’s retaliatory in some way, might help me understand.”
“Retaliatory?” she asks without looking up.
“Yeah, I mean, you’re mad that we left, and obviously I deserve it. We all deserve it. So please, even if it hurts, tell me. Let me share some of the pain with you.” I reach across the table, holding my hand out again for her to choose whether to take it or not.
“I don’t want to hurt you. Even though you hurt me.” Melody tentatively takes my hand and glances at me through her eyelashes. She looks tired–beautiful, but tired. Her beautiful brown eyes have dark circles under them. There’s a wariness there, but I can tell by how she bites her lip that shewantsto confide in me.
What a heavy burden to hold for so long.
And it’s our fault.
Melody takes a deep breath, pulling her hand back to run both hands over her face before twisting her fingers to fidget nervously. Finally, she sits on one hand and leans her chin on the other.
“Well,” she begins with a sigh, “you know that I didn’t see you guys that night. But after those words, she dragged me outside where I was pushed into a locker and called a slut before she walked off. I called you guys, but you had all gone. I went home and cried because you guys were so fucking important to me, and there was…some truth to what she had said. I realized I couldn’t kid myself anymore. Everyone else could see how I felt, so why should I try to fight it?”
My eyes widen because whatthe fuckdoes that mean? My breath catches as my heart beats faster. She’s saying what I think she’s saying, right? Fuck, I hope so.
“I told myself I’d give it the night, then go and potentially ruin friendships in the morning. Imagine my surprise when I waited in our spot the next morning, justwaitingfor you guys to come to school so I could bare my soul. And you guys didn’t show up.” Her eyes shoot daggers at me. The anger that I knewshe’s feeling aimed completely at me, and I’m willing to take it all. I deserve it.
“You guys didn’t show up that morning. So, I called every one of your phones. And each one of you had canceled that number or blocked me. At school, everyone noticed your absence and took that as a free day to make my life hell. People kicked my chairs out from under me, threw trash at me, stole my notes and books. Someone even broke into my locker and painted it with ‘whore’ written in permanent marker, over and over.”
My clenched fist tightens so much, I can feel the strain from my knuckles. I welcome it.
If I could go back…
My eyes screw closed with the pain and overwhelming regret that floods my body. I don’t stop her; I don’t ask her to pause to get myself together. I deserve this.I deserve this.I need to know what happened so I can make up for it.
Melody doesn’t stop, and when I open my eyes to make sure she’s okay, she’s frozen. Numb. She’s looking through me, not at me. Her face is completely blank and totally emotionless.
I don’t like it.
My heart cracks even further.
“I ran to Reis' house after cutting last period,” she continues. ‘Ran right to the treehouse, hoping that you guys were there. Begging to the universe that you were all hanging out and hadn’t just left. I climbed up the ladder only to find the treehouse empty. I tried my luck and went to the front door, knocking frantically, crying and begging to see you guys. But Reis’ mom answered and told me not to come back. That I’d gone too far this time, and she never wanted to see me near their home again. She actually…” Melody stops, looking down and taking a breath before she continues. I swallow hard, the nausea churning in my stomach at what we caused. “She slapped me and screamed that it was my fault he left.” The way she says this with one tearslipping down her cheek wrecks me completely. I never wanted this to happen. I didn’t think she cared, but really, she caredso much.
“I sat in our spot outside of school the next morning, and the next. And the next. I waited in our spot for weeks, hoping that each day would be the day I’d see your faces, and you’d have some kind stupid excuse. Say it was just a joke and you were sorry. But a week turned into two. A month turned into ten. A year turned into six.” She clears her throat and pushes her plate away, like suddenly the thought of eating disgusts her. I understand.
