Page 56 of From My Past
My head rested on Kieron’s broad chest; my fingers were tracing over the words in his tattoo as he held my body close to his side. He had picked up a few tricks since the last time we’d been together. And I tried to not let that thought take me into a spiral.
I’m sure that I’d lost some tricks I’d had, I couldn’t think of anything or do anything because I was trying so hard to be lost in Kieron that all I could do was react.
“I can practically hear you thinking, baby. Want to talk about it?” Kieron asked, his gruff tone was quiet. His large, tattooed fingers made their way through my blonde hair, gently detangling the knots from his fingers. It was rhythmic and soothing. Something that would put me to sleep if he kept it up.
“It was just a big step. For me. And I’m trying not to freak out about how fucking magnificent you are at sex.” I answered honestly, turning all my attention to the swirls and tribal designs etched in dark ink over his chest. His skin rumbled under my skin as he chuckled.
“And that’s a bad thing why?” He asked. I had to roll my eyes because despite not being able to see his face, I knew he had a cocky smirk on his smug face. Sitting up and pulling the sheet around my chest with me, I let my hair fall over my shoulder so it partially covered my face and the bruises I’m sure were green and terrible by now.
“It’s not a bad thing, Kieron.” I said with a sigh. How could I explain this to him without coming off as needy or possessive, borderline jealous, especially when I’djustfelt more like myself?
“Then why do you look so sad?” He sat up to face me, taking both of my hands in his.
And was he a sight to behold. All tanned muscle, tattoos and brave in his nakedness. He looked free and wild with his long dark hair falling around his face, his dark beard cropped close to his jaw and his dark brown eyes looking at me with such care. The sheet had fallen from covering my breasts, and I could see how hard he was trying not to look.
“I’m not sad.” I ran my fingers through my hair. “It’s just, you’re so good at sex. You were last time too, and I’m sure I’ve backtracked. I have had one partner in the last five years, and I spent most of that time closing my eyes, hoping it would stop.” I could see the fire of anger reignite in his eyes at the mention of Luca’s abuse but he smothered it quickly.
“So, you want to know how many girls I’ve been with?” He asked slowly.
“I don’t. I really don’t need or care to know that number.” I said, my tone tight. This is not how I wanted this to go. I wanted to keep cuddling and basking in the glow of the best sex I’ve had in years with the God of a man who wants to be mine. “I want to go back to cuddling and then take a shower, and then get rid of this blonde hair.”
“If that’s what you want, baby.” He said softly, laying back against the headboard. He kicked one of his ankles out from under the white sheet and opened his arms wide, beckoning me over to and into his arms. I smiled softly, crawling back into his arms.
Kieron wrapped both of his tree-trunk of arms around me tightly, drawing me in even closer to his chest. I was engulfed in warmth and comfort and felt him kiss my head while taking a deep breath. “Just know that I will always tell you the truth. If you want to know, I’ll tell you.”
I turned my head to kiss him, our lips met for a brief kiss that took my breath away. I honestly didn’t care about who he’d been with, how many people he’d been with. We weren’t together then, so it wasn’t my business really. But what I was really feeling was much more complex than just jealousy. It was a range of emotions. I was envious that he’d been able to gain all that experience and freedom to discover more about himself. Possessiveness over Kieron because of the women that he had fucked, knowing there was no doubt probably would’ve kept him. Fear that I wouldn’t measure up to them. Anxiety because I’d finally taken that pivotal step away from Luca and I don’t know how to classify it within myself.
“I know.” I say quietly.
“I won’t be upset if you want to know.” He whispers softly.
“Do you want to tell me or something?” I ask with a chuckle. “You realllllly seem to want to.” I tease him.
Kieron pinches my bare ass under the sheet, and I yelp in surprise.
“Brat.”
“I’m just saying.” I chuckle, snuggling closer to him.
“I’ve been with my fair share of women. No one that kept my attention for more than a few moments. No one that I spared a second glance at or could point out on the street again, if I’m honest. I’m a total dick and a pig or whatever other name you’d call someone that used women for just a fuck and then threw them out of their bed without a second thought for them or their feelings. It’s terrible, and I own that.” Each word he said was like a shock to my system. “The girls knew; I have a reputation both good and bad. But that’s not an excuse for how I treated them. I just didn’t care about any of them.”
I wasn’t shocked that he had treated women like that, but that he was so open about it. He wasn’t trying to hide himself or making himself look more favorable.
Kieron was beingrealwith me. Open, honest, showing the parts of himself I’m sure he’d rather forget.
“That was in the past.” I said softly. “There isn’t any need for me to know this. You were a free man.” I tried to explain to him, but he wasn’t listening. Too lost in his own thoughts.
“There is.” He said strongly, running one of his tattooed hands through his dark curls. “You do need to know. I’m not a good man.” He breathed deeply. My heart started to beat faster, worried that he was going to tell me something that would reverse all the comfort and sanctuary I’d found with him. I must have tensed or looked like I was starting to panic, because Kieron leaned over and kissed my bare shoulder.
“I’ve been with countless women in the last five years.” He said, throwing those words out there harshly. “But out of all of them, not a single one made me feel anything like you do.” He hands came up and cupped my face softly, brushing a lock of my hair behind my ear. “Even back then, I’d been completely infatuated with you. I had to make you leave when all I wanted was to hold you close and keep you. You were the one that got away. The one that I measured all other girls to because youaremy dream girl, my fantasy.”
With as sweet and loving and heart-wrenching as his words were, I couldn’t help but feel stressed at them as well. I wasn’t that same girl anymore. I wasn’t who he’d been envisioning and even though he was saying how he wantedme… would he still when he realized that I wasn’t her? I don’t know if I could even be her anymore.
“I can see your brain turning. I can see you overthinking. Let me relieve your worries, baby.” Kieron manhandled me and positioned me over his lap so our hips were pressed tightly together. His hands were spanned across my naked thighs, bracketing his thighs through the sheet. “I know we are both different people from when we were younger. But we get to know each other again. We get to take our time and pursue these feelings like we wanted to back then. Before I fucked it up.” He looked so shy and hopeful, like a young boy who was scared to hope for presents under the tree from Santa.
I looked into his dark eyes; eyes that had new shadows in the darkness from the things he had been forced to do as his role in the Mafia, eyes that were begging me to understand.
“I want that too.” I said confidently, trying to put as much comfort and conviction into those words as I could.
