Page 79 of Map of Pain
How do I reach him? How do I bring him back?
«Nick,»Luka signed, even though he knew Nick couldn’t see him.«You’re safe. You’re with us.»
Nick didn’t respond. His body remained locked in that terrible position, arms behind his back, chin down in submission. But his voice continued, fragments of conversations bleeding together.
”—should have let me die, it’d be better than—”The words dissolved into a sob that seemed to come from somewhere deep in his chest, a sound of such profound despair that even Ophelia flinched.
What did they do to you?What did they do that made you think death would be better?
«This is fucked up,»Petrov signed to Matteo, his usually stoic expression cracked with something that might have been revulsion.
Luka wanted to snarl at him, wanted to tell him to stop watching, stop treating Nick’s breakdown like a spectacle. But he couldn’t look away either. He couldn’t stop cataloging every tremor, every tear, every damaged word that fell from Nick’s lips.
“Why are you doing this?”Nick asked the empty air, his voice small and scared, younger somehow.“Iwasgood. I followed all the orders. I killed who you told me to kill.”
Caleb made a wounded sound, his hand covering his mouth as if he could stop the words from reaching him. Marcuswaswatching with the careful attention of someone cataloging information, but his amber eyesweresoft with something that looked like grief.
“Shaw, please don’t make me repeat it again, I can feel—”Nick’s voice changed mid-sentence, becoming smaller, more submissive.“I know you love me. Thank you.”
The gratitude in those last wordswasthe most devastating thing Lukahadever heard. Nick thanking someone for hurting him, grateful for abuse disguised as affection. Someone destroyed him andmadehim thankful for the destruction.
Luka’s hands moved toward Nick’s shoulder, desperate to pull him back from wherever his mindhadgone.
«What the fuck do we do?»Luka wanted to scream the words, but his hands could only form the signs, shaking with suppressed emotion.
Ophelia translated his desperate question for Caleb, and the silence that followedwasanswer enough. They didn’t know.None of them knew how to reach someone whohadbeen damaged this thoroughly, conditioned this completely.
He couldn’t sit helpless while the man he loved folded himself smaller and smaller until therewasnothing left.
“Nick!”Luka forced the word through his damaged throat, ignoring the agony that followed.“Nick, s-safe! With me. S-safe!”
His voice came out as a rasp, fractured and painful, but it was everything hehad. Every syllable felt like spewing glass fragments, but he pushed through the pain because Nick needed to hear him, needed something to anchor him back to the present.
But Nick’s hand continued its slide toward his knee, his body beginning to curl smaller, the military precision giving way to something that looked like a child trying to disappear.
His voice—the thing he sacrificedso much to protect, the thing he used so rarely because every word cost him—itwasn’tenough. Nick couldn’t hear him, trapped too deep in memories thatshapedhim into someone who knew exactly how to surrender.
“Nothing’s working,”Caleb said, his voice tight with panic that echoed Luka’s own growing desperation.“He’s not hearing us.”
“Owen, why—”Nick’s voice shattered completely, dissolving into a keening sound thatwasn’tquite human.
Vincent started to lean forward again, his expression intent, and Luka felt his control snap for the second time.
This time itwasMarcus who reached across the space between them, grabbing Vincent by the front of his shirt and hauling him up until theywereface to face.
“If you suggest using his trauma for intelligence one more time,”Marcus said, his voice deadly quiet,“I will personally ensure you spend the next decade chained in our basement. Are we clear?”
Vincent’s eyes went wide, some of the cold calculation leaving his expression.“I just thought—”
“Don’t think,”Marcus snapped, releasing him with enough force to send him stumbling backward.“Not about this.”
Luka felt a surge of gratitude toward Marcus that almost overwhelmed him. At least someone else understood that Nickwasn’ta resource to be mined for information. Hewasa person, wounded and hurting and lost somewhere in his own mind.
Nick’s breathingwasbecoming rapid and shallow, his entire body starting to shake as whatever memoryhadhim trapped continued to play out behind his eyes. Luka could smell the fear pouring off him in waves, could see the way his shoulders trembled with the effort of holding position.
“He’s hyperventilating,”Caleb said, moving like he wanted to help but not knowing how.
Luka knew how Caleb felt. The helplessnesswaseating him alive, the knowledge that Nickwasright there but unreachable.He’dfoundNick in the junkyard and pulledhim back from death. But this—thiswasbeyond his abilities. This required expertise he didn’t have.
