Page 73 of Map of Pain
«I saw how you looked the past few months,»Matteo continued, his signs sharp and pointed now, fingers jabbing the air for emphasis, moving closer again to close the gapLuka created.«Like someonehadlita fire inside you. Likeyou’dfoundsomething thatwasn’tjust keeping me from going feral every few months. And yeah, I understood why you needed to follow that instead of sitting by my bedside waiting for me to waste away again.»
«I didn’t want to abandon you—»
«I never said you did!»Matteo’s hands sliced through the air with unusual vehemence, his gestures so large they forced Luka to lean back.«But maybe Iwastiredof being the reason you refused to have a life!»
The words hung between them like a challenge. Luka felt something crack open in his chest, months of carefully controlled frustration flooding to the surface. His arms uncrossed as anger overtook defense.
«You think I didn’t want a life?»Luka’s signs became wild, expansive, his whole body radiating anger as he moved forward again, their hands nearly colliding in the space between them.«You think I enjoy watching everyone else find something meaningful while I’m stuck in endless cycles of crisis management?»
«No one asked you to manage my crises!»Matteo’s responsewasimmediate, his hands nearly colliding with Luka’s still-gesturing fingers.
«Someonehadto!»Luka snapped.«Someonehadto make sure you didn’t hurt innocent people when you went feral. Someonehadto hold you down while Ophelia and Petrov shoved a tube down your throat because youwereliterally dying rather than accept help!»
Matteo flinched at the reference to past forced feedings, his entire body recoiling as if struck, but his hands remained ready to sign, arms refusing to cross in surrender.«And that someone alwayshadto be you?»
«Who elsewasit going to be?»Luka’s face felt too hot, his muscles too tight.«MarcushasCaleb. VincenthasAdam. Petrovhandles the diner when you can’t. Everyone else gets to build something, gets to grow, gets to fall in love. And I get to be the designated caretaker for my broken twin who won’t even tell me why he’s broken!»
«I don’t know why!»Matteo grimaced and slapped his chest for emphasis.«You think I want to be this way? You think I enjoy not being able to feed like a normal vampire? You think I like watching our entire family make decisions based on whether ‘Matteo is going to be okay this month’?»
Luka’s hands twitched at his sides, wanting to respond but caught off guard by the emotional honesty. The pulsing black light made Matteo’s face look almost ethereal in his anguish, highlighting the desperation in his teary eyes.
«Then fix it!»The demand burst from Luka’s hands before he could stop it.«Figure out what’s wrong with you and fix it so we can both stop living like this!»
«I can’t!»Matteo’s face contorted with frustration, taking a few steps back as he continued,«I don’t know how! I wish I could just not care where the blood comes from, I wish I could hunt like you do, I wish I could drink from bags without feeling like I’m stealing from people who need it more. But I can’t make myself stop caring!»
«So what, I’m supposed to give up everything forever because you have moral complications about being a vampire?»
«I never asked you to give up anything!»Matteo stopped stepping back, his hands forming sharp, precise movements that carried decades of suppressed emotion.«I never asked you to be my caretaker. I never asked you to put your life on hold for me. I never asked you to feel guilty every time you want something for yourself!»
The words hit Luka like a slap. His handswent still, dropping to his sides as the truth of Matteo’s words sank in.
«You want to know what I want?»Matteo continued, his signs calmer but still intense, stepping back to give them both breathing room.«I want to live in our dumb little farmhouse and run my restaurant where I get to make food that makes humans happy. I want to figure out how to feed without feeling like a monster, and if I can’t, I want to find a way to live with that. I want you to have whatever makes you feel alive, whether that’s Nick or someone else or just the freedom to make choices without wondering if I’m going to fall apart.»
Luka stared at Matteo, seeing him clearly for perhaps the first time in decades. Not as a problem to be solved or a crisis to be managed, but as a person with his own wants and fears and complicated feelings about the situationthey’dboth been trapped in.«I’ve been taking care of you for eighty years,»Luka said, his shoulders slumping as some of the anger began to fade.
«And I never asked you to.»Matteo’s expression grew gentle again, but his signs remained firm, his posture straight and unyielding.«You decided thatwasyour job. You made yourself responsible for fixing me without ever asking if I wanted to be fixed or if I wanted you to sacrifice your happiness for mine.»
The truth of it settled in Luka’s chest like a weight. He made himself Matteo’s caretaker. He chose that role, and wore it like armor against the guilt of being unable to fix his brother. His hands hung loose at his sides as he processed this realization.
«I don’t know how to not take care of you,»Luka admitted, his signs small and uncertain now, a stark contrast to the aggressive gestures of moments before.
«You don’t have to stop caring,»Matteo said, his movements growing softer, stepping back to normal conversational distance for the first time since the argument began.«You just have to stop making my problems your only priority.»
They stood facing each other, their hands silent. Luka felt emptied out, wrung dry, but also strangely relieved. Like a pressurehe’dbeen carrying for almost a centuryhadfinally been released.
«I love you,»Luka said, the words feeling both enormous and simple, his hands moving with gentle precision in the proper space between them.
«I love you too,»Matteo replied, a small smile on his face as bloody tears dripped down his face.«That’s why I want you to be happy. Even if it means living separate lives sometimes.»
Without conscious thought, Luka stepped forward and pulled his twin into a fierce embrace. Matteo melted into it, his arms coming up to wrap around Luka’s shoulders. They held each other tight for a long moment, and then—like theywereseven years old again—they pressed their foreheads together.
The gesturewasrare now, reserved for their most profound moments of connection. But it still carried the same meaning ithadwhen theywerechildren:we are two parts of the same whole, even when we’re apart.
«I’m scared to live without being your caretaker,»Luka admitted, his hands forming the words in the small pace between their bodies
«I’m scared to live without being taken care of,»Matteo replied.«But maybe it’s time we both tried.»
When they pulled apart, something fundamentalhadshiftedbetween them. The desperate codependence that defined their relationship since their turning cracked open, making room for something healthier to grow in its place.
