Page 35 of Map of Pain
“I’m sorry,”he whispered, the apology automatic as he curled further into himself.
Luka shook his head, the movement gentle against Nick’s hair.
“Nick s-safe,”Luka rasped, the strained whisper of his voice wrapping around Nick, somehow thicker and warmer than the blanket.“No s-sorrys. Just s-safe.”
The vampire’s embrace wasn’t possessive or controlling. Instead, Luka became the walls of the box Nick had beendesperatelyseeking for safety. Steady. Solid. Secure.
Nick looked up, meeting Luka’s gaze. The vampire’s eyes held no predatory gleam, no calculation—only understanding and a quiet concern that made Nick’s chest ache with an unfamiliar sensation.
Maybe Luka can be safe.
They’d been sitting in silence for so long that hearing his name spoken aloud by Luka seemed intimate. Nick realized they’d been looking at each other’s faces this whole time, neither breaking eye contact as he processed what happened.
“You said my name,”Nick whispered, his throat raw.
Luka nodded once, a small smile playing at the corners of his lips. His arms remained steady around Nick, neither tightening nor pulling away.
Nick becameacutelyaware of how close they were—close enough that he could feel the temperature difference between their bodies and he could see the individual strands of Luka’s beard, some of them aggressively copper red, others a warm oak brown.
An urge rose without warning, and before he could second-guess himself, Nick leaned forward and pressed his lips against Luka’s.
The contact was brief, gentle—just long enough to feel the tickle of Luka’s beard against his own face. Luka’s lips were cooler than a human’s would be, but not cold. And they were soft. Surprisinglysoft.
Luka didn’t move. Though his arms were around Nick and he could haveeasilytaken advantage of the situation, his embrace remained steady, the pressure unchanged. He didn’t push, didn’t take, didn’t demand.
Nick pulled away, his hand flying to his mouth. His fingertips pressed against his lips as he tried to understand what had just happened. His entire body shook again, a fine tremor that had nothing to do with fear or cold.
“I—”The word caught in his throat as he stared at Luka, who looked surprised but curious, his head tilted to one side.
Nick’s lips tingled from the contact, and he noticed that some of the pain in his arm hadmysteriouslyvanished. That cold voice from his conditioning started screaming in the back of his mind, but for once, it seemed distant, muffled:
What the hell are you doing?He’s a vampire!A monster!
But the more Nick focused on the feeling of safety, on what he wanted, not what the Society or Gianmarco programmed him to want—the quieter the voice became.
When was the last time he’d done somethingsolelybecause he wanted to? When was the last time he acted on his own desire rather than fear or conditioning or orders?
He couldn’t remember.
Nick realized he couldn’t remember his first kiss. He was pretty sure he’d had one, maybe back in high school, or during random hookups before Chicago. But everything after Gianmarco had been cold and mechanical. There had been no kissing with Gianmarco—only taking, using, controlling.
Tears welled upunexpectedly, blurring his vision as it dawned on him how much had been stolen from him. How many normal human experiences had been corrupted or erased?
“I don’t remember,”Nick whispered, still touching his lips.“I don’t remember my first kiss.”
Luka’s expression softened as his hand movedslowly, giving Nick plenty of time to pull away, andgentlybrushed a tear from Nick’s cheek.
The touch was so careful, so respectful, that something small and fragile formed inside his mind—not healing, not yet, but maybe the beginning of it.
“Can I—”Nick’s throat closed around the words. He swallowed hard, forcing himself to continue.“Can I do that again?”
Luka gave a single slow, almost imperceptible nod, his eyes never leaving Nick’s face.
This time, Nick made a conscious decision. This wasn’t about conditioning or submission or fear. This was about choice—his choice. He leaned forward, his heart hammering against his ribs.
Their lips met again, and Nick allowed himself to stay there, to experience the sensationfully. Luka’s beard was softer than it looked, tickling against Nick’s clean-shaven face. His lips were gentle, responsive but not demanding.
Nick closed his eyes as he pulled away from the kiss, unsure what to do with the feelings coursing through him. Being held by Luka on the floor felt safe, but fear still tugged at the edges of his consciousness. That hunter kept reminding him that he was being held by a monster, while the submissive urged him to do more to please the vampire. But that small voice in the back of his head—the one that had been growing louder this whole time—told him to stay where he was, because right now Luka was safety, acting as his walls and protecting him.
