Page 6 of The App Trap
“Look, you seem like a lovely person… Pete,” I said in a semi-unintentionally patronising manner after clocking his name tag.
“We made a mistake. But the thing is, weareregulars. I’m sure if you go out the back and give either one of the Donnies a shout, they’d be mortified that you were gonna throw out two of his most valued customers over a measly 40p.”
“80p,” he corrected.
“Look, we buy so much pork from here that Donny One actually says he can smell bacon every time we come in.”
“Yeah, and he calls me his favourite piggy,” added Finn.
“Isn’t that because you’re a copper?” enquired Pete, nodding towards Finn.
Finn’s mouth dropped like a drawbridge, looking shocked at the revelation, despite how obvious the supposed affectation now seemed.
“That would make a lot more sense actually,” I said.
“It's actually against the law. You of all people should know,” said Pete, prodding the air just in front of Finn’s chest. He paused and looked towards the doorway that led to his manager. Donny was probably busy out back making coronation chicken & rocket sandwiches for his more modern client base, and therefore not in the mood for an insignificant problem like this to deal with.
Finn remained tight-lipped. Although he was in fact a fully-fledged member of a North London constabulary, he was no doubt unsure of any loopholes that he could use to tiptoe through what had quite-rightly been highlighted as a fraudulent situation.
“You can stay this time, but please don’t do that again. It’s dishonest when you come here and don't pay the required premium,” Pete said in a staggered fashion, as if reciting a script that he didn't fully understand.
“Thank you. And yes, of course, we won’t. It wasn't premeditated, by the way. You should probably have a money jar or something on the tables for people who change their minds about eating in on the way out,” I said, pressing my lips together into a semi-sarcastic smile.
He stared blankly at us until I felt compelled to break the silence.
“Oh. Nice shoes by the way,” I said, ramping up the goodwill.
Pete smiled and went to walk away.
“My gran used to have a pair just like ‘em,” I added clumsily.
He stopped in his tracks, then pivoted a perfect 180 degrees. “Okay, get out,” he said, pointing to the door.
We scurried out, wolfing the dry crusts of our baguettes, which were all that was left of our food within the space of a few minutes. That’s a fair indication of how delicious these breakfast baguettes were.
As we walked down the street back towards the house, a frightening thought occured to me.
“Do you know what I’ve just realised? I can't chat to real-life fellas anymore. I’ve been using that bloody internet too much. I’m just so used to rehearsing my lines now,” I said, with a face as sad as a morning commuter without a seat.
“Yeah, it’s one hell of a double-edged sword, isn’t it?” agreed Finn.
“I know, man. I can’t freestyle anymore. You saw that, didn’t you? Oh, this is awful.”
“To be fair, you’ve never been able to talk to real-life fellas without something terrible happening,” said Finn.
True, I’d never had aproperboyfriend, not that it was my fault. I just didn't see the point of going out with someone for the sake of it. It had to feel right for me in order for me to give a relationship a whirl, and I was simply nothing but unlucky that I hadn’t found anyone whirl-worthy.
“Icantalk to blokes,” I protested.
“Oh yeah? What about this one?” asked Finn, gesturing towards a gothic-looking twink swaggering out of a shop doorway.
“Go on…” he continued, pushing me mercilessly into the trajectory of what now appeared to be one hell of an angry-looking goth.
“No way. I can't just do a drive-by like that,” I said, flailing my arms around in protest like a badly behaved high-street child.
“Go on. Do it. EXCUSE ME!” shouted Finn, completely stitching me up by ducking around the corner, leaving me as exposed as a common street heckler whose white van was in for a service.
The man stopped in his tracks, looked up, and scowled at me through his brow, which looked almost Neanderthal due to the hostile squint. Ihadto say something.
