Page 59 of The App Trap
“Toe-rag. He invited me to a party and it turned out to be a bloody swinger’s do. It was full of a load of old naked prunes. Obviously, I never saw him again after that. I got him to take me home immediately. Almost immediately. It was actually quite fascinating, you know. It wasn’t for me though, darling. Anyway, I’ve got another date lined up with Tony next week.”
“Why not, eh? Good for you, Mum,” I chirped.
“Well, ‘solo’ and all that, as the kids say.”
“YOLO, actually.”
“You're such a smart-arse, aren’t you? So, what’s going on with you, then?”
I told her about Harry, and that I thought maybe this could be something good, and her face lit up even more.
“So, my plan worked then? Is he the love of your life then?”
“Well, it’s early days. We’ve only actually been out three times. Anyway, it’s all good with him now—thanks to you—so hopefully, y’know…”
“Ooh, I hope so darling, I really do,” she said, as she put down a couple of lilies to rub my hand.
She looked gaunt today, and for the first time, Mumactually looked ill. She wasn't as chatty as usual, and I could sense that something was up, although I didn't pry. If she wanted to tell me anything, she would. Also, I didn't want to press for any bad news, so was kind of willing her not to say anything I didn’t want to hear. She went back to her flower-arranging for a few seconds. I could tell from the back of her head that she had something else on her mind. I was right.
“Danny?”
“Yes, Mum?”
“Why’s that prick got ‘I’m a Twat’ on thesideof his mug? It doesn't work.”
“Well, it’s quite simple,” I explained. “He’sactuallya twat.”
A week later,I met up with Harry again. I had resisted going on any kind of dating app all week. It was to prove a point to him and myself that I didn't need them anymore. Besides, I knew I would be pushing my luck if he saw my mug pop up. Mind you… obviously, I could question whyhewas on there, but this was a rabbit hole I quite simply did not want to slip down.
Not being on the apps myself, I had no way of checking up on him, so I employed the skills of a mate from the comedy circuit, Charlie, who himself was a connoisseur of the serial-dating world. Anyway, it turned out that Harry was clean. And relax.
Harryand I sat in a faux gastro-pub and we both went forthe dirty burger––the item on the menu with the trendiest name. This was when we had ‘the conversation’.
“So, um… I was thinking. Are we gonna progress to exclusivity status?” I asked.
“’Er.. mind reader alert!” he said in a purposely cute and excitable way, repeatedly tapping both hands on the table.
“I reckon we should delete all of our apps and profiles and what-not, then.”
“What? Fuck off.” He laughed.
I frowned. He laughed again.
“Jokes! Okay, then. Get your phone out.”
We both drew.
I held my finger on the Sliderr app until it started shaking like a nervous bartender in a Western. I poked the cross. Bang. Dead.
“There. Now you.”
He opened a folder containing more dating apps than I’d ever seen in my life. Of course, I recognised most of them. Well, all of them, actually. Who was I kidding?
One by one, we both annihilated our dating careers. It was like the end of Goodfellas, when everyone got sent down or killed. It was finally over. We were now officially free.
“Oh, just one more thing…” said Harry.
“Which is?”
