Page 44 of The App Trap
He texted back.
‘All right Oliver Reed, how about next Saturday? Fancy a drive to a country pub? Maybe Kent or somewhere?’
I maintained the rally:
‘Deal.’
He returned:
‘Cool. It’s supposed to be really nice there.’
It turned out that Deal was actually a place in Kent. I had no energy or brain power to continue this discussion, so terminated the conversation with a,‘Sweet, let’s sort it out in the week.’
After a long nap and‘The Works’from my beloved local Domino’s, my head was beginning to feel normal again.
I was pretty happy that Harry had asked me out, although there was now a pesky niggle at the back of my mind telling me that if things did work out with us, I’d definitely have to give up all of this fun dating business and all of these wild adventures that seemed to be becoming the norm.
The trouble was that I was now really beginning to enjoy myself on the dating scene. Every day I’d chat to a new guy and hatch a brand new exciting online relationship with a gorgeous picture on a screen. It was becoming harder and harder to give up. Maybe if I just went crazy this week, that’d get it all out of my system and then I could put it all behind me and settle down with Harry?
Tuesday
“Oi!” cried Mum as she and Silly Bollocks walked through the front door. Finn had just picked her up from chemo, and they’d stopped off at ours for some reason. “You berk,” she continued.
“What?” I asked, baffled. “You little shit, Finn, did you tell her about the-“
Finn interrupted me with a loud cough, which thankfully my mother dismissed as she continued on her tirade.
“I’ve just been talking to that lovely Jack at the hospital and he told me what you’ve been up to.”
“Up to? I haven’t been up to anything. Well, certainly nothing that you’d bethatupset about.”
Finn was standing behind her, tightly pressing his lips together and trying desperately not to laugh.
“Don't be a smart-arse. He told me you've been sending pictures of your bloody … y’know…”
“What? I haven't, I swear! What’s the best that would happen if I did? He’d show his mates and laugh. Done. I'd never do that.”
“Well, Jack tells me that he was chatting to you on some Bumblebee app or something and you sent him a dick pic. Oh, and I know what a dick pic is, by the way. What’s all that about? I thought I’d brought you up better than that, Daniel.”
“Ahhhh! I can totally explain. I haveNEVERsent a dick pic. I swear. No, wait. I mean one that wasn't asked for. And even then… once. Twice. Never mind. Look… let me find the message and…” I fumbled through my phone. “Oh, shit. I forgot he unmatched me.”
Mum folded her arms and raised one eyebrow. “He’s such a nice young man… I mean…”
“No, wait, listen. I matched with him and for a joke, I asked him if he wanted to see a dick pic and sent him this.” I showed her the Dick Van Dyke picture. “See? It came through pixelated, he couldn't decode it, thought I was a scumbag, and that was that. Ah man…THAT’Swhy theywere all laughing at me. Oh, you've got to explain to him… it was a mistake.”
Mum burst out laughing. “You wally. All right, I believe you. What is it with these blokes and pictures of their bloody dicks?”
“I dunno. I honestly don’t. How do you know so much about them, anyway?”
“Huh? Oh, I may or may not be on Sliderr,” she whispered incoherently.
Finn’s eyes widened.
“Sliderr?” I cried, before continuing. “Absolutely not for you. I know what blokes are like on dating apps, and you can do way better. Show me your age-range immediately.”
“No! Anyway, why not? Loads of my friends are on it. Chris likes your little joke about the Airfix model, by the way.”
“Chris is on it?” I said, in disbelief and horror that Mum’s best friend had been eyeing my profile, and furthermore, had possibly decided not to swipe positively.
