Page 49 of Fever Dream
He snorts out a short laugh. “I can attest to that. Well, unless you count sex with yourself. I’m pretty good at that.”
Okay I didnotneed that image in my head, thank you, Casey Calloway. We’re quiet for a while before Casey speaks again.
“So is he the kind of guy you’re into?”
“What kind of guy did you think he was?” I ask, not sure where this conversation is going.
“Oh you know, brunette, tall. Nice looking. A little bit muscular.”
“I mean, I’d like to think I’m not shallow but yeah, I guess so.”
“So you’re into muscles?”
“As much as the next gay guy, sure.”
“Right,” he says again. I want to leave the topic there because I’m slightly uncomfortable about where it’s headed but I have a feeling there’s more to come. Turns out I’m right as Casey takes another little breath. “So … can I ask a question?”
“Pretty sure we’re past that by now, Case.”
“Yeah. Yeah. It’s just … have you ever …?”
“Ever what?”
He’s quiet for almost a minute before he rushes out, “Have you ever thought about me like that?”
I let out the breath I was holding and shift onto my back. I knew this question was coming. I knew it and yet I’m still not prepared. I can’t give him the truth, obviously. If he knew how much I liked him he’d run for the hills, and I value his friendship way too much for that.
“Case, don’t go there,” is what I say. “Don’t make this weird between us. I promise you I have never once knowingly gone after a straight guy. That’s not something I’m into.”
“No, I didn’t mean it like that,” he rushes to assure me.
“How did you mean it then?”
“Just that. I wanted to know if you’ve ever thought about me in that way.”
I say nothing for a moment, debates rolling through my head in quick succession. In the end I just sigh and tell him, “Pretty sure you already know the answer to that.”
I know that will be the end of tonight’s conversation.
CHAPTER 19
casey
The thing about an overactive mind is that until a new concept or idea settles itself in there it tends to float around in perpetuity. Although float is not the right adjective here. It’s more like a bounce because it tends to jolt itself into my consciousness at various random moments.
Take Harrison’s news for instance. It’s still occupying all of the grey foggy zone in my head and that means I haven’t processed it or come to terms with it yet. Which also means I am thinking about it.
Constantly.
I’ve been on this treadmill, running with my thoughts, for way too long and I want to get off. But Harrison has just walked into the training room and now I don’t know what to do. His eyes briefly meet mine before he falls back into conversation with Ben McLean. They have a folder each and are going through their physio notes but for some reason, my heart has clenched up in my chest.
I don’t know why I’m grappling with this news so much. This news about Harrison.MyHarrison. Well, I thought he was myHarrison but maybe I was wrong about that. Best friends tell each other things like this, right?
Except, he was so very sincere and so worried and concerned about how hurt I was on Saturday night when I found him at the bar in a very compromising position. With a guy. A guy he clearly liked. A guy he was definitely thinking about hooking up with.
And would have done if I hadn’t had my embarrassing little melt down and pulled him away. It’s not lost on me that he gave up a night of sex. For me.
How had I not noticed before? I mean, I know I can be oblivious. And I know that my obsessive mind means I fixate on the wrong things sometimes. Things like pursuing Harrison until he became my best, best friend. Even if maybe that’s not what he ever wanted from me. And maybe that’s not really, truly what I wanted either.
