Page 35 of Opening It Up
It was more than just sex. Theylikedeach other’s company.
I couldn’t stand it, I couldn’t survive it.
I couldn’t talk, could barely concentrate, jabbing my finger randomly at a dish on the menu when the waitress came by.
With my eyes, I tried to beg Lily-Mae to stop this.
“I love you,” I mouthed, but she only frowned at me and pointed to my date.
“Bad manners,” she mouthed back.
“Did you know,” Flea said, “that there’s an herb you can take that will make you lose 25 pounds overnight? It’s called the Lighter Than Air Herbal Mix.”
“Really?” Leopold said, cutting a piece of his juicy steak and raising it to my wife’s mouth.
Lily-Mae opened her pretty pink lips and Leopold’s eyes dropped down to where her tongue closed around the fork. I wondered suddenly if my wife had sucked his dick.
The thought made me lose all my appetite and distracted me so that I barely even heard what Flea was saying.
“How would you procure this magical herb, I wonder?” Leopold was asking.
Lily-Mae was looking at me with such pity that I wanted to sink into the ground.
Nothing had gone right since I suggested an open marriage.
And now I couldn’t even find one single normal woman to take on a double date without looking like the most complete fool.
“For nineteen easy payments of $19.95 apiece,” she said, “You too can reap the benefits. And I am looking for investors in this up-and-coming company, if you are interested.”
“No, thank you,” Lily-Mae said politely.
Leopold shook his head.
“Flea, I don’t think we should be talking business at dinner,” I croaked, desperate for this conversation to be over.
“Bree!” she cried loudly. “My name is Bree!”
“Ok, Bree, I don’t want you trying to sell your pyramid scheme on our double date.”
“It’s not a pyramid scheme!” Bree said hotly.
“It isn’t? Lighter Than Air? You sound like an idiot right now. Get up on that table and fly then, if it’s not a scam!” I cried, losing my temper because the whole thing was so ridiculous.
“Please wait until after dessert,” Leopold said, but I could tell by the way his mouth quirked up that he found the whole thing very amusing.
“Bree, you don’t have to do this,” Lily-Mae said to Flea. “Your date is a very very sad man.”
But apparently Flea had had a few glasses of wine too many, because she instantly jumped on the table and held out a tape measure.
“Just look at me! It’s all due to this proprietary blend of special herbs! Join me and let’s build wealth together!”
I wasn’t sure what level of delusion she was at, but just as one of the waiters started to rush over and insist she get down, somehow this Flea managed to tumble off sideways headfirst into a large potted plant.
And after that, it was pandemonium, with Flea screaming bloody murder, and the other diners either scattering to complain to the manager or getting up to leave.
Flea was eventually dragged out of the plant and had to be escorted from the premises.
“I’m going to go give the owner a massive tip,” Leopold said, laughing heartily. “That was the best entertainment I’d had in a while. Babygirl, send me a message if you want a couple of orgasms.”
