Page 66 of Zeppelin
I grasp his face the way he just held mine. I curl my fingers into his hair and dig my thumbs too hard into his cheeks. “I don’t know what to call this, but I need you.” I don’t want to stop talking. For once, I want to keep going. I want to tell him the things I couldn’t before he left, and all the things I’ve thought about endlessly since he’s been gone. “I missed you. I achedfor you. I want you here with me. I want your friendship and your laughter. I want your crassness and your cussing. I want all your jokes and your vulnerability that surprises both of us. I want your strength and your tenderness. I don’t care if you have asshole moments. That’s okay. I do too. I just want you. So, so badly. I don’t need more time. I’ve had enough. I know it. It’s not a feeling. It’s a fact. I guess it’s both, but it’s something I can trust.” I barely get the last words out past my closed up throat. “It’s real. It’s true.”
His eyes are so dark, but filled with amber spokes that have never been so bright. It’s like he tipped the stars straight from the sky down into his gaze.
It’s so beautiful.
He’s so beautiful.
He inhales deeply and then tilts his face, pressing his forehead against mine. I melt against him, craving the hard planes of his body, the reassurance of his corporal physicality. I want to melt into him. Disappear into him. I want him to bring me back to life.
He was only gone for a few days.
Just. A. Few. Days.
It might as well have been an eternity.
“I traded my bike in for the van in Nevada. Drove it back up here. I’d like to fix it up. It’s already got the full camper conversion done, but I want to be absolutely sure it’s safe. I had this crazy idea that maybe you’d like to see the world with me. We wouldn’t have to leave now. Not until you’re ready. We could bring the baby with us, I don’t want to do it alone. I want to doit as a family. I think we could make it work if we had something like this. We could go anywhere. Or nowhere. It’s just an idea.”
I’m seeing double of him through the sheen of tears that springs back to my eyes. They spill over and go dribbling down my cheeks. “It’s a perfect idea,” I gulp out. “I’d love to do that.” I had no idea how much I could mean that word. Love. I love seeing this old van. I love that this man came back, not because he was afraid of going out there to discover himself, but because he wants to do that with me. Together. With the baby too. “I’d go anywhere with you. I just want to get to know you. I want to be open enough to do that. I want us to give ourselves to each other. I want to learn who you are, and I want to figure out who I am too. I want to know who we aretogether. I’m scared, but so what? I want to be brave.” I’m breathless from trying to get all of that out. Tears trickle down my cheeks, but they’re only falling because I can’t keep all of this emotion on the inside.
It’s too big to be contained.
Zep bends his head and traces the wet tracks. He kisses my tears away with so much care and patience. “I want to be brave with you too,” he says simply, but it’s not simple at all. There’s just as much emotion welling in his voice as what’s spilling out of me.
“What about your bike?” I sniffle, horrified that to him, the club and his bike are his life, and now it’s gone.
“It wasn’t worth much more than the van.” He shrugs one shoulder, my hand rising and falling with the movement. “I can buy another. One with an extra seat for you.”
He might as well have just offered me the world. My chest swells, my heart so huge that it’s painful. “Because we belong to each other,” I whisper.
“Because we belong to each other,” he agrees.
I don’t know why Zeppelin. I just know that I’ve found my one. It’s my truth now. I’m never going to be the same. The world will always be different now that I know him. That’s so scary, but it also feels so… blessed. I’m so honored that he turned around and chose me. He chose us, building dreams and figuring things out together. He chose the baby growing inside of me, his brother’s child yes, but every bit his as well.
Until Zeppelin, I never truly understood how your heart could be inside of your body, but beating outside of it, at the same time. I never knew how much that would hurt, and how much joy it could bring. I finally understand why people sing about this feeling, why they write about it, why there’s so much of it in the world. Because, when it’s happening to you, it’ssobig. It’s too large to keep it to yourself, and it’s too beautiful to shelter it and hide it away. The world needs more happiness and kindness. I want this feeling to make me a better person in every way it can, and then I want to share it.
“Will you come inside?” I ask shyly, well aware that every time this man has come to me, I’ve shut him down in some form. I don’t want there to be distance between us, but I have to close the gap. He won’t do anything that he thinks I’m not ready for.
“I’d love a cold glass of water. I have to admit, that well you have is pretty good. The water tastes better than anything in the city.”
“I’d love to get you a glass of water, but that’s not why I want you to come in.” Before I can lose my courage, I stand on my tiptoes and thrust myself up against him. It’s half clumsy, but I already have a hold on his shoulders, so it’s not much further to pull myself up so that I can reach his mouth.
My lips crush against his, almost painful and with a whole lot less grace than I would have wanted, but his arms tighten around me and he dips his head, meeting me. His mouth opens under mine, his lips always so much softer than I ever thought they could be. His beard tickles my chin. His tongue strokes mine and I don’t just melt. I turn into a column of fire, burning hot and furious. It’s the same way I’ve burned for him for weeks now.
He’s always been a good kisser, but now it seems like something’s been unlocked in him. He pours himself into it until I’m gasping, and even then, he takes my bottom lip gently between my teeth like he can’t stand for me to pull away.
I drink in oxygen and then he deepens the kiss, driving back, diving into my mouth and eating at me like he hasn’t tasted a drop of water or eaten anything since he left days ago. I let him devour me, opening my mouth for him, pressing my body so firmly into his that my sensitive nipples ache from mashing them into his hard chest. It’s nothing compared to the ache between my legs. I moan and whimper, grinding shamelessly against his leg until neither of us can take it another second.
He sweeps me up, cradling me carefully as he walks across the yard. He goes around the house, to the safe steps in the back.
I expect him to set me down, but instead, he claims my mouth again, devouring me like he’s still starving and didn’t have nearly enough to sate him outside.
“Let me get you some water,” I gasp out when I finally have to suck in a breath.
“I changed my mind about that. The only thing I need is you.”
The house isn’t that much cooler than outside. The stove made it hot this morning and the sun has done its work, but Zeppelin doesn’t act like he minds one bit. He carries me across the kitchen and tries to set me down on the table. It would be hot to have him strip me bare, splay me out, and dine on me like I’m his favorite meal, but I’d like that to be hot later.
I have something else I want, and even if it makes my whole face red because saying words like this are embarrassing for me, I’m going to get them out.
