Page 64 of Zeppelin
I don’t even know where that is, but I know, he’ll be coming back here. I have no doubt about that.
He needs to do this.
I hope that every single day in between, over the next few months, sees him safe, happy, and healthy. I’ll be right here, living my life, trying to thrive on my own, preparing the house for me and the baby, trying to find whatever it is that I need to find while he’s out there doing that for himself.
I don’t want to say that I’ll be waiting. That sounds so depressing. It seems like long, empty days that pass far too slowly. It feels like an ache in my chest, a cavern so deep that if I tip off the ledge into it and fall, I’ll never hit the bottom.
The club had a send-off for Zeppelin two days ago. He made sure it was on a Thursday, so that I could come for it and still make it back out here in time to get ready for the market on the weekend.
It was crazy busy. All the families came out for it. There were kids running around all over the front lawn of the clubhouse. I didn’t know even half the people who turned out, but I was introduced to so many of them. It was a close friends and family gathering only, but it was still remarkable to see just how many people camped out on blankets and in lawn chairs all around the clubhouse. The last event I went to there was Jack’s celebration of life. The atmosphere for Zeppelin’s going away was far less somber. There wasn’t that same mad, desperate sadness that people get when they’re reminded of their own mortality. It was more like a full circle. Zeppelin was trying to finish the journey he and his brother started years earlier.
That didn’t mean I wasn’t sad to see him go.
I managed to make it through the whole thing before I hugged Zeppelin goodbye. He hugged me back. So tight. So hard.He held me for just a few minutes too long, and I was eager to soak up every single second of it.
I made sure that my smile was so convincing that even my sister didn’t ask me if I was okay before I headed back to the farm. I would have loved to stay the night with Bronte and Dom and to see Ellie for longer, but I knew that Mom needed me in the morning.
But it wasn’t that.
I wanted to be alone when I finally broke down and allowed myself the luxury of the tears I’d held back all day and all week before that.
I managed to make it back to the farmhouse, and then I cried myself to sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night and cried so hard I threw up and then I cried about throwing up.
I cleaned up and headed over to the farm early, to help Mom with the chores. We were so busy Friday and Saturday that I was too exhausted to cry again.
There’s plenty of work at my parents’ farm, and plenty of work at my own house. More than enough that I can keep my mind from going continuously to the ache in my heart and the hole in my life.
At least that’s what I keep telling myself as I measure all the windows that my dad and brother are going to be replacing shortly.
Zeppelin was most worried about me here. He asked me eight times at the cookout if I was sure that I’d be okay, if I hated him for not doing the job for me that he promised, if my family was going to hate him. The assurances I gave him weren’t empty.My dad and Gabe have some time and they’re more than willing to help me out.
I think my parents were secretly waiting for me to decide that my little homesteading experiment wasn’t going to be feasible. They both want me to come back home, but if I want to be here, they’ll do everything in their power to make it happen for me.
The last thing Zeppelin told me as he leaned outside my truck door before I left the clubhouse, was that all I had to do was give Tyrant the word, and the whole club would be there, helping me renovate. He’d already arranged everything.
I just about broke down and bawled right there, even though it wasn’t the first time he’d mentioned it.
I promised him I’d be okay, and that he would be too, and then I let him lean into my own window and kiss me on the forehead and wave me off with the saddest, goofy grin that I’ve ever seen.
It’s a good thing that I want to make good on that promise to be self-sufficient.
I’m out here in shorts and a t-shirt, my hair tamed back into a bun with a ballcap on top, sturdy boots in place, cursing the damn weed-whacker for not working. When we go for windows, we’re also going to try and find a used ride on mower so that I don’t have to keep trailering my parents’ and bringing it over here. They let me borrow this asshole so I could take care of the six foot weeds growing thick all along the fence lines and up the sides of the outbuildings.
I took the can of gas that I know it needs, but I’ve been pulling the damn cord for a while, and nothing is happening. Not so much as even a sputter.
Is it possible to flood it?
It’s as hot as hell out here, and instead of taking out my frustrations on the weeds, I’m only getting more aggravated. I had zero problems being by myself out here before, but now I realize just howaloneI am.
“Fuck me for letting Gabe start this thing for me every time at home,” I mutter.
A crow calls from the trees lining the shelterbelt along the north edge of the yard. Most people hate them, and magpies, but I don’t mind that they’re nesting in my trees. I’m up before they’re noisy cawing anyway. I’ve never been particular about bird calls. Sweet or scratchy, it makes no difference to me. I like just about all things living and looked forward to seeing our wildlife year after year return to the farm.
I set the weed-whacker down, cursing under my breath. It’s a bad habit that I’ve grown way too used to now that my mom isn’t out here with me. I’d never be this foul mouthed if she was around. I better untrain myself out of it before the baby comes because I don’t want their first word to be ‘fuck’.
Zeppelin promised he’d be back before the baby was born, but that seems even further away than ever.
I kick a clump of weeds with my boot, stomping them down because I can’t cut them down. Sweat trickles down my back under my t-shirt. It’s pretty much already sodden, because it’s also humid as heck after a small shower this morning. I haveat least twenty bug bites, and I’m ready to call it a day before I’ve even started.
