Page 155 of The Sapphire Child
I have never loved anyone as strongly as I love you – not even my parents – and I’m ashamed to say, certainly not my poor fiancée.
In the early days, when we went to Scotland together, it was still a boy’s infatuation – a schoolboy crush. I pined for days after you left and only really started being happy again after I went to boarding school and made new friends.
But growing into manhood and meeting other girls, I couldn’t help comparing each one of them against my ideal of womanhood, which was you, Stella. Not in a million years would I have toldFelicity this, but when I first saw her, I was struck by how her fair hair and pretty eyes reminded me of you. I was drawn to her because in a very small way it was like having a glimpse of you. I’m not proud of that, Stella, and I don’t think that’s why I asked her to marry me, but I wish you to know that the only woman I’ve ever really wanted is you.
Seeing you again in India has only confirmed my feelings. I can’t tell you how much your kiss at Tiger Fall meant to me. Every time I think of it, I am filled with hunger for you and wish that I could hold you in my arms one more time.
But if you are reading this now, then that longed-for embrace is never to be. I am giving this letter to John for safekeeping and to be sent to you only in the event of my not surviving the battle ahead.
My darling Stella, I had wanted to say these things to you in person – would have done, had I come through this war. But at least I have been able to put my true feelings in writing and hope you aren’t too embarrassed by my outpouring. I kiss you across the miles, my dearest heart.
My love forever,
Your Andy xxxxx
Stella’s hands shook as she pored over the letter and stared at the neat sketch of fishing boats in shadow. She was too overcome to speak. Never in her wildest dreams had she imagined that Andrew had harboured such deep and lasting love for her. Her chest ached with yearning for him and yet she was paralysed by a sudden numbness. Surely he could not be dead? It was impossible to imagine that such a vibrantly alive man as Andrew could nolonger be living somewhere on this earth. Would she not have heard from the Lomaxes if such a dreadful thing had happened?
But the letter told her it was true. Captain Grant would only have sent it if Andrew had been killed. Her darling Andy! How could she bear it?
Stella doubled over, clutching her stomach as if she’d been gored, and let out a howl.
‘My dear Miss Dubois!’ Maclagan came rushing over from his desk in concern. ‘Whatever is the matter?’
Though she could barely breathe, Stella managed to say, ‘It’s fr-from A-Andrew. He’s d-dead...!’
She reached out to the major and burying her head in his shoulder, wept uncontrollably.
Chapter 59
The only thought that kept Stella from succumbing totally to her grief was that she must get to Kashmir. Like a lifeline, she clung onto the idea of being with Belle and the Lomaxes.
Major Maclagan swiftly made arrangements for her to travel.
‘Of course you must go and be with Andrew’s parents,’ he encouraged. ‘They will want to be with you too, I’m sure of it.’
He insisted on going with her as far as Srinagar. ‘I’ll book the train to Jammu and then we’ll hire a car. I don’t like to think of you travelling on your own in such distress, Miss Dubois. And I can do battle over those packing cases and baskets while I’m in the Kashmir capital.’
Stella was deeply grateful for the care he was taking of her. She had no words to describe the darkness that had descended on her since Andrew’s letter had come. Even the grief she had felt for her father did not come close to the acute pain she was experiencing now.
She sent a telegram to the Lomaxes to say she was coming, and the next day, she and the major boarded an overcrowded train to the north.
She recalled little of the train journey, only that it was stuffy and hot and the major did his best to coax her to eat and drink.
‘Can’t have you arriving dehydrated and ill, Miss Dubois.’
Her appetite had gone but she drank the tea he proffered. As the train rattled on, all she could do was fix her mind on seeing Belle – her sapphire-eyed child – whom she had been parted from for nearly two years. What would she look like now? Would she remind her painfully of Hugh or would there be a likeness to her, Stella? Her heart ached to think that Belle would not know her at all; she would be a stranger coming to visit. Esmie would probably introduce her as Auntie Stella. But she could put up with the distress of that as long as she could see and touch and speak to her daughter. It was the one thing that gave her the will to carry on when she felt as if part of her had died with Andrew.
They arrived in the town of Jammu at dawn. A peach haze covered the River Tawi and the plain, and obscured the surrounding hills. By the time the major had negotiated a hire car and they were leaving the busy station, the mist was beginning to clear. Numbly, Stella sat in the passenger seat and gazed at the receding view of the pink fort and the glinting domes of temples and mosques.
Soon the road was taking them upwards into the hills; its twisting and turning made Stella queasy, so she closed her eyes and tried to sleep. She was awoken by the car abruptly stopping. All around were icy-white mountain ranges standing boldly against an azure sky.
Stella gasped. ‘Are we in Kashmir?’
‘Yes.’ Maclagan smiled. ‘You’ve been asleep for hours. I didn’t like to stop.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ said Stella. ‘You must be exhausted.’
‘I’ll be glad to stretch my legs,’ he said wryly.
