Page 129 of The Sapphire Child
‘Oh, that’s terrible!’ Stella said in distress.
‘Will you come?’ Jimmy bellowed. ‘... agitated...keeps saying your name.’
‘Yes, of course I’ll come,’ said Stella at once.
As soon as the Lomaxes heard about Winfred Shankley’s request they were supportive.
‘Of course you must go,’ said Esmie. ‘Don’t wait till the end of the month – she might not last. Jimmy wouldn’t have rung if it wasn’t urgent.’
Within two days, travel arrangements had been made for four days’ time.
Those final days in Gulmarg were precious and bittersweet for Stella. She went more often to the annex to look in on Belle and Gabina. The ayah was quick to hand Belle into her arms.
On the final morning, Stella slipped out of the hotel before dawn and went around to the annex and Belle’s room. The baby was stirring and Gabina was heating up a bottle of milk. Stella didn’t need to ask; the ayah handed over the bottle.
‘I have to sort some of the baby’s laundry, Stella-Mem’,’ she said, and left the room.
Stella sat in the nursing chair where she had first suckled Belle and fed the bottle to the baby. Belle fixed her with a trusting look in her blue eyes as she gulped the milk and wrapped her small fist around Stella’s finger. It always amazed Stella how strong a grip her daughter had.
‘I have to go away for a while,’ Stella spoke softly to her. ‘I don’t want to leave you – I’ll never truly leave you, my darling girl – as you’ll always be in my heart. And Mummy Esmie and Ayah Gabina will look after you for me – and Daddy Tom will play with you. You bring them such joy, my little one – you have no idea how much.’
Stella cradled the baby tightly and kissed the top of her head. Belle paused from her sucking and her face creased in a milky smile. It took Stella’s breath away. A sob rose in her chest. She sat the baby up and rubbed her back, trying to keep her tears at bay. How could she possibly leave her? It felt as if her heart was shattering into a thousand pieces.
Stella wiped at the tears streaming down her face and continued the bottle-feeding. Eventually, Belle pushed the bottle away and Stella put it down, carrying the baby to the window.
‘Look, the sun’s coming up over the mountains, Belle. It’s the most beautiful sight in the world. You’re very lucky to live in such a place. Every morning at sunrise I’ll think of you here and send you a morning prayer full of love.’
Stella gave Belle a long tender kiss on her cheek, breathing in her warm milky smell and committing to memory the softness of her baby skin and the loving look in her beautiful eyes.
‘No one will love you as much as I do, my precious one! If, someday, you ever discover the truth, I hope you will come to realise that I did it to give you the best life I could. And that it was the hardest thing that I’ve ever done in my life!’
Gabina returned. Stella took a deep breath and handed Belle over to her ayah. She resisted the urge to hang onto Belle and cover her in more kisses, fearful that the longer she held her the more impossible it would be to let go.
Gabina said quietly, ‘We will look after her well, Stella-Mem’.’
Stella nodded and gave a tearful smile. ‘Thank you,’ she said hoarsely. ‘I know you will.’
She hurried from the room and out of the annex. The air was cool and sweet from a heavy dew. The sky over the Himalayas was turning pale gold as the sun’s rays poured over the ridge tops, flooding the valley with dawn light. How could the day be so beautiful when her heart was breaking?
Stella wiped her tear-stained face. She must not show her misery. This was the path she had chosen for herself and her daughter. She must be brave for them both – and make the most of a life without Belle.
Chapter 47
The Raj Hotel, Rawalpindi, November 1942
Winifred Shankley rallied when Stella returned to the hotel in Rawalpindi. For a while, Stella managed to coax her out of bed and to sit in the courtyard in the shade of the jacaranda. Stella would read to her or simply sit and hold her hand while the old woman dozed.
Stella was shocked by how much the missionary had aged in the sixteen months she’d been away. Winifred was painfully thin and frail and her back was so bent that she was forced to look at the floor when she walked. But mostly she sat in her wheelchair and talked about her family as if they were present, although Stella knew all her relatives had died long ago.
‘You won’t go away again, will you?’ Winifred fretted.
‘No, MrsS, I won’t,’ Stella promised, squeezing her hand gently.
‘I missed you, dearie.’
‘And I missed you. But you had my cousin Lucy looking after you well. Yvonne said you got on together like a house on fire.’
‘That other girl was nice,’ Winifred admitted. ‘And I don’t want to complain but you and I are like old friends, aren’t we?’
