Page 26 of Risk
“Then let’s go with that,” I soothingly say. “What happened from there, Kenna?”
“I became a commodity,” she says, her voice muffled. “I was young and inexperienced, which is what the sickos were wanting. Days blended into weeks and the weeks blended into years until eventually, I found a way to escape.”
“That’s when you met me?” I confirm.
“Yeah, that’s when I met you. Remember how scared and angry I was when you found me? I hated men, all men, and you paid the repercussions for that,” she whimperingly giggles. “I was such a bitch to you, but you never gave up. You kept searching for me. Why did you do that?”
“Because there was something remarkable and special about you. Your light and zest for life called to my darkness. I knew you were born to be my salvation,” I acknowledge. “And you were, until I fucked everything up.”
“It was fake,” she adds.
“What was fake, Kenna?”
“My zest for life. I was living with the mentality of fake it until you make it,” she replies. When I look taken aback, she pats my hand and tells me, “I didn’t fake everything. Once you had me, you got the real me. Lucky you, huh?”
“I was the luckiest man in the world, Kenna. What happened between us was on me. You did nothing wrong. You were the best part of me.”
“I ruin everything I touch so it wasn’t a complete surprise that you went to another woman’s bed. I had been expecting the other shoe to drop at some point. I may have been mentally prepared for it, but emotionally, I couldn’t have imagined how hard it’d hit me. I never really blamed you, not in the grand scheme of things anyhow. I knew our time was limited but I’d decided to enjoy basking in our love for as long as I had it.”
“Fuck, Kenna,” I whisper, hanging my head in shame. I created more damage than I thought. Her psyche was just starting to heal and I smashed it into smithereens. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to look at myself in the mirror again.
CHAPTER
EIGHTEEN
McKenna
“Don’t,Risk. You can’t take all of the blame for what happened between the two of us. We’re both condemnable for what happened to us in the end. How could we build a future on lies? I never let you see me. Not the real me, anyway. I gave you the fakest version of myself that I could. I tried to be upbeat and chipper so that you’d stay because that’s what I thought you wanted,” I reveal.
“I don’t mean to interrupt, but this is a conversation you two should be having privately. For now, we need to get back on task. We need to know what happened after you left us, Kenna?” Conan prompts, leaning forward. His eyes are full of unshed emotions. Out of all of the boys, he and I were the closest. He’s the only one I let come close to seeing the real me. Flaws and all because he let me see his true self on more than one occasion. Things we held back from others we opened up and showed each other.
We’re getting to the part where I don’t have a clue on if I should confess all of my sins or if I should veer around it. I’m conflicted. Words are pretty when they’re wrapped up in a bow, but I have to ask myself if telling them about Phoenix is the right thing to do or not. My mind screams ‘fuck that’ but my heart coos ‘tell them the truth’. It’s a conundrum, and I hate being the referee between the two warring factions of my psyche. Phoenix’s cherub face flashes through my mind, and I’d love nothing more than to give him the family he deserves in the form of a mother, father, aunts, and uncles all communing under the same roof—but is it safe? That’s the million dollar question I don’t know the correct answer to.
But that all changes when I scan the room and see a plethora of children’s pictures, their ages varying in range, hanging on the wall. There’s even one with Kodiak and a beautiful woman who’s holding a newborn in her arms. I briefly remember Risk telling me about them adopting a group of kids into the family and Kodiak having an old lady, but I don’t recall him mentioning that Kodiak is a dad.
“Those are the kids I was telling you about on the way here,” Risk leans in and tells me.
“They’re beautiful. Congratulations, Kodiak,” I cheer even though I’m tangled up with perplexing emotions.
“Thanks, doll,” he replies with a flaming smile. It’s a fire I don’t see being extinguished anytime in the near future. He’s happy, they all are, and now, I really am conflicted. If I tell the truth their lives may burn down around them and they may never recover, but if I do, and they can make things safe for us, Phoenix could have what these other kiddos do.
“Conan,” I call out his name then tilt my head in Risk’s direction. He knows the drill by now, something I say is about to cause him to explode and he’ll need to be tamed until he calms down. Which may never happen after I cause everything he knows to spiral into an abyss.
“Fuck,” Conan whispers as he knocks his knuckles against Regulator who then repeats the motion to Rev. Before anyone else catches on, they each have a restraining hand on Risk who looks perplexed.
I turn in my seat and stare into Risk’s eyes. Like all things when it comes to him, I don’t beat around the bush because that angers him more. Seeing the pictures on the wall and the way my boys reacted to me noticing them with smiles on their faces cemented my decision, one that I’m sure is about to blow up in my face. “You have a son.”
“What?” he whispers, a sign that he’s daydreaming about throttling me. His eyes turn molten at my declaration. He stares at me, no he looks through me, as if I’m a complete stranger. The boys spring into action when Risk begins thrashing against the three holding him still. Kodiak grabs me by my shoulders and shuttles me to the other side of the room, blocking me in the corner using his bulk as a shield. “Stay still and don’t say anything, Kenna,” Kodiak warns as his eyes stay glued to the mass destruction happening before us. “Hurry up and tell me the rest, give me the cliff notes version.”
Swallowing around the lump in my throat, I do as he asks and say, “After leaving, I was a shell of myself. I was numb to the world around me. When the bus dropped me off at the depot, I ran to my mom’s and hid. I thought I’d be safe there, but that only lasted throughout my pregnancy. I never told her who the dad was, I knew without y’all’s protection I was in trouble. Iwas in survival mode and nothing could penetrate that. I never left for my prenatal appointments without wearing a disguise. I changed everything about myself. My hair color, my haircut, the way I dressed, I became a totally different person. That lasted until Phoenix was born. I didn’t bond to him the way most mothers do, I knew if I did then he’d become a pawn if Marshall ever found out. I refused to let him be used against me.”
“You couldn’t let him be your weakness,” he confirms.
“Exactly. My mom thought I was suffering from postpartum psychosis since I was showing signs of depression and detachment, which, to be honest, in a way I was, so she had me admitted for observation. I was twitchy, always watching over my shoulder so they thought I was paranoid. Which again, I was. I voluntarily gave her custody so he’d be safe.”
“What made you think he would be since that’s how Marshall got his hands on you?” he probes. “You were underneath your mom’s roof when Marshall set his sights on you. I’m not understanding the difference, Kenna.”
“My mind was warped, Kodiak. To a degree, it still is,” I acknowledge. The crashing in the background has me wincing. “Is anyone hurt? I can’t see around you.”
