Page 76 of Heal You
That hurt Jan’s heart.It wasn’t necessary to fall out with people, and certainly not because of Jan.“So, she’s alone?”
“I… Yes.I think so.”Gillian swapped seats and sat down beside Jan.“Finn has been trying to be there for her, but Morgan is angry with us.”Gillian took Jan’s hand and squeezed it.“I’ve been really worried about you.”
“Why?”
“Because I made a mess of our friendship.I’m scared we’ll never be the same again.”Gillian’s voice broke, but she cleared her throat and looked up at Jan.“I had no idea just how much you cared about her, Jan.You’ve kept everything so close to your chest that I had no idea what was going on.”
Jan understood from Gillian’s point of view; it was hard not to.Perhaps this was the moment when they tried to work on their friendship.“I do understand why you were both worried about me.Especially when I told you about Morgan.I guess I just tried to see the best in it and hoped you would, too.”Jan wrung her hands in her lap.“Maybe if I’d spoken to you before I actually came out with the truth, this may not have happened.”
“You had your reasons, and neither of us had any right to try to dissuade you.”Gillian curled her fingers around Jan’s shaking hand.“But we know now, so we can help you figure all of this out.”
Jan sat confused.What was there to figure out?“I’m sorry?”
“Do you miss her?”Gillian asked, a wry smile settled on her mouth.“Truthfully, do you miss her?”
“So much, Gill.”Jan swallowed down the emotion lodged in her throat and closed her eyes.“More than anything in this world.”She had never really needed much company in life; she had friends and colleagues she spent enough time with.But she couldn’t describe or understand the feeling she had when she thought about Morgan.She couldn’t process any of this because it had all ended so suddenly.To know now that Morgan was equally as upset… That surely meant something.Was this Jan’s chance to make it right with her?“I don’t know what to do.”
Gillian turned side-on and studied Jan’s face.“About what, love?”
“About Morgan.About any of this.”Jan didn’t want people to meddle in her lifeorMorgan’s life anymore.She just wanted to move on with whatever the hell was about to come for her.“I fear I’ve ruined it with her.”
“I don’t think you have.She knows you’re going through a lot, and I know she understands that your life is up in the air.”
“You don’t even like her.”Jan snorted.“I don’t know why you care if I see her again or not.”
“God, I wish people would stop saying that.Idon’tdislike her.Idon’thate her.When I met Finn, I was wary of her, that’s all.I guess she sensed that, and we’ve just never tried to get to know one another.”
“She means a lot to me, Gill.”
“I know.”Gillian wrapped an arm around Jan and rested her head on Jan’s shoulder.“Now you have to decide what your next move is.”
“I don’t follow.”
“With Morgan.This surely isn’t the end.If Finn and I could make it work, then you two can surely figure it out.”
“People will talk.I don’t want my life to be that way.I don’t want to be the topic of conversation.I just…want to be happy.”Of all the things Jan could have said, she hadn’t expected that.She couldn’t care less about other people, and deep down, she never had.If Jan was happy, that was what mattered.
“Fuck them.”Gillian nudged Jan’s shoulder and smiled.“If you want her, then you go and get her.”
Could Jan do that?Walk into the bar and demand Morgan give Jan another chance?They hadn’t gone their separate ways on bad terms, but Jan still should have gone to Morgan and spoken to her before now.Told her the reasons for Jan needing space.Instead, she had left Morgan to fend for herself while expecting Finn to be the one to pick up the pieces.
“Am I out of my mind?”Jan swallowed as she gazed back at Gillian.Before she’d asked Morgan for space, it didn’t feel that way, but now…now, Jan was doubting herself.
“Not at all.”
“That’s why I texted her, you know.Because that’s how it felt when I left your place that afternoon.As though you were accusing me of being crazy.That it was ridiculous to think I could date her.”
Gillian shook her head and sighed.“I could have handled it all so much better than I did.But I’m sitting here right now telling you that you have my support.I just want you to be happy, Jan.If Morgan makes you happy, then you should see where it goes.”
“It’s beenso longsince I’ve been with a woman, but the moment I kissed her, I knew it was what I wanted.”
“I’m sorry…what?You’ve been with a woman before?”
Jan waved a hand and got to her feet.“It was back in university.It…was a lifetime ago.”
“University?”Gillian almost shrieked as she said that.“Who?”
“Antonia.”
