Page 75 of Heal You
Gillian had called her once or twice, but it seemed she’d taken the hint after the second day of trying, and if Jan knew Finn the way she believed she did, she was probably lying low.They were the reason she’d ever sent that message to Morgan in the first place.If Jan had things her way, this week wouldn’t have felt so lonely.No, she would have been making more memories with Morgan, and she would have been unapologetic as she did so.
A sudden hammering on her front door made Jan jump, a hand splayed across her chest as she took a breath.Nobody knew she even had this place back.Chances were, Gillian and Finn knew she was back home—Morgan had probably told them—but neither of them would bang Jan’s door down.It wasn’t their style.
She shot down the stairs wearing a hoodie Morgan had left there and pulled the front door open.
Gillian stared back at her with tears in her eyes.“I know you don’t want to see me, but if you’d sent me a text telling me to fuck off, at least I’d know you were okay.”
“How did you know I was here?”
“Morgan told Finn the night she went to the bar.”Gillian visibly swallowed.“That’s how I knew I’d really fucked up.You would have told me otherwise.”
“As you can see, I’m alive, and I’m fine.”Jan attempted to close the door, but Gillian stopped her with a hand.“Gill, please.I don’t want to speak to you or anyone else.”
“Jan, can we talk?Please?”
“I have nothing to say.Until you showed up here, I hadn’t spoken to another soul in seven days.”
Gillian regarded Jan with a faint smile and stepped over the threshold.“Let me put the kettle on, and then I’ll leave if that’s what you really want.”As Gillian placed a gentle hand on Jan’s hip, the floodgates opened.“Oh, Jan.Come on.Sit down and take a minute.”
“A minute for what?”Jan barely recognised her own voice.
“Right now, I don’t know.I just need you to sit down, and then we can talk about what’s going on.”
Jan scoffed and wiped the backs of her hands against her cheeks.“You knowexactlywhat’s going on.Don’t try to deny it.”
Gillian lowered herself to the couch opposite Jan and hung her head.Did she feel terrible?Jan hoped so.For so long, she had held Gillian together.She had lain in bed with her nightly at one time, praying she wouldn’t cry herself to sleep.Everything Jan had done…had basically been thrown back in her face.
“As you can see, I’m fine.So, you can go now.”
Gillian looked up at Jan with tears in her eyes.“You’re not fine.You’re in a terrible state, Jan.”
“I was doing good.I had this place back, and I was dating Morgan.My life was…exciting again.Something I hadn’t had for a long time.”Jan sniffled as she plucked a tissue from the box on the side table.“I know it was a shock to everyone, and I know I’ve kept things about my marriage from you, but Iwashappy, Gill.She made mesohappy without even having to try.”
“What things about your marriage?”Gillian clasped her hands in her lap as she sat back.“If you want me to understand all of this, you need to be honest with me, love.”
Jan guessed it was time to come clean about her failing marriage.“We were in counselling.We had been since the end of last year.I felt like I was losing him and myself, and I didn’t know how to tackle it.Something just didn’t feel right.Gut instinct, I don’t know.”
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“Because it wasmymarriage, Gill.I tried to make it work, to be better, but it still wasn’t enough for him.He was changing, and I didn’t know how to make him love me anymore.”God, that was sad.Why should anyone put themselves in a position where they were fighting for a lost cause?Fighting to force a love that didn’t exist anymore.“We barely spoke to one another some days.I put it down to work and how busy he was, but I think we both know why he was falling out of love with me now, don’t we?”
“Oh, Jan.I had no idea.”
“For the briefest time, Morgan made me forget about the humiliation he put me through.She made me feel wanted.She looked at me in a way I’m not sure Phileverhad.”Jan closed her eyes and smiled.Even though they’d never have that again, Jan would never forget the care and support Morgan had shown to her.The exhilaration and the laughter they’d shared.“I just…hope she sees in herself what I saw.I hope she takes something positive away from our time together and uses it to find someone meant for her.”
“She’s…devastated.”
Jan didn’t need to hear that.She wanted people to tell her Morgan was glad to see the back of her.“Morgan will be just fine.She has so much ahead of her.”
“And you?”
“I signed the divorce papers two days ago.They were picked up by courier this morning.I don’t know what’s next for me now.I’m going back to work; Phil has agreed to keep me on as partner, so that’s something to keep me busy.”Jan looked around her huge living room.“I’ve always loved this house.It was my dream from the moment we bought it.But it feels too big for me alone.I hate the thought of putting it on the market, but…it seems silly to stay.”Jan scoffed.“Maybe Phil will want to buy it for his new family.”
“I know I haven’t been the greatest friend to you lately, but I can’t walk out of here after seeing you like this.I just… I don’t have it in me.”
“Has Finn been looking after Morgan?”Jan found it hard to believe that Morgan was upset—or devastated, as Gillian had claimed—but if she was, she needed to know she had people there for her.
“We’re not welcome at the bar anymore.She doesn’t answer Finn’s calls.They haven’t seen one another since the night you sent Morgan the text.”
